Dry
Posted: 13 October 2007
Word Count: 104
Summary: I don't know when I wrote this, that's how my memory works these days, but it happened sometime in the last month. I found it tonight and I really liked it.
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Dry, she wrote in the abstract, as the arts,
She throws thought against her tongue and saliva
Into the faces of the crowd, like paint from a can
Onto a canvas of brick wall and scented candles.
She,
Drives faster when I tell her not to.
She,
Opens up her heart when I just want to laugh.
She, climbs into bed at night and untucks fear
Worry, semifrantic rushes of evening from
The closets.
We, belong, together.
She sees me deeper than the stomach of
A 300lb snapping turtle, neck, neck, down, down
Like a well, a bottomless chute.
Then the time is over.
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 joanie at 18:07 on 13 October 2007
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Hi Jordan, I really enjoyed this - I am still re-reading and getting more each time! However, I have to say again that I think the capitals at the start of lines spoil the flow. (Are you writing it in Word then copying?) Also, I think the comma after 'She' is superfluous - the single word line does it all, I think!
I particularly liked like paint from a can
onto a canvas of brick wall and scented candles |
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I would love to know the story behind this or the thought process used in arriving here!
joanie
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 Jordan789 at 01:28 on 14 October 2007
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yes, the er of writing poetry in microsoft word... sorry for the caps.
I don't really remember the thought process behind it, and when I found the poem last night it caught me by such surprise that I didn't even know if I had written it.
Thanks for reading, Joanie.
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 James Graham at 14:47 on 15 October 2007
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I liked this right away - though I'd be hard put to say what every little bit of the poem means. It's adventurous, putting ideas together that nearly don't match, such as saliva like paint splashed on to a brick wall, or 'deeper than the stomach of/ a 300lb snapping turtle' (not just any turtle, but its species and weight specified). What a refreshing change from some cliche like 'deeper than the ocean'.
The saliva/ canvas of brick wall idea is one of the most striking of your juxtapositions. It suggests that 'she' is a public person who makes speeches, and the image gives quite an unsympathetic impression of her, as if she harangues crowds and her opinions fall on them like saliva. This may not be true of the actual person the poem is based on, but it's the impression the imagery conveys.
It's part of the overall impression of this woman's character - someone attractive and unattractive at the same time. The two matched contradictions in the middle of the poem tell us more -
She,
Drives faster when I tell her not to.
She,
Opens up her heart when I just want to laugh. |
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The first is just an irritating thing she does. The second is irritating too, except it tells us she does at least 'open up her heart', even if sometimes at the wrong moment. And this goes with the way she 'untucks fear' at bedtime. There are glimpses of a person here who it's impossible to be indifferent to. She imposes herself, having a relationship with her is hard work. There's also a strong suggestion of vulnerability.
'We, belong, together', with commas, is a nice touch. Given the kind of personality she seems to have, 'We belong together' wouldn't trip off the tongue, it would be said with commas. Then of course the last line tells us it didn't last, or isn't going to last, and turns the poem into a sketch of a transient relationship. I think the last line is more or less expected, and it feels right.
The parts of the poem that puzzle me a little are: 1. the first line - it seems to mean 'Dry as the arts,' she wrote, in the abstract (i.e. without having much real experience of the arts) but I can't get any further with that. This line is also the only one that's in the past tense, which is a little confusing. 2. 'Canvas of brick wall' is easy, but 'and scented candles' doesn't seem connected enough. I maybe just don't get it, but it seems a private reference that doesn't communicate - it means something to you but would puzzle a reader. Actually, I think those two things are all that seriously puzzle me.
James.
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