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Freedom
Posted: 08 October 2007
Word Count: 24
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Freedom
Caged, confined, the eagle cried
for his lost freedom of the skies
and as he grieved his spirit died
resignation in his eyes
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 23:11 on 08 October 2007
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Oh, wow, Z! Perhaps it's late, perhaps I've had one too many glasses of wine.... but this is just wonderful! It hit home, somehow. I like the rhymes and the lack of a full stop at the end of line 2, despite a capital at the start of line 3.
For 'eagle', read whatever/whoever is appropriate.
I just wondered if And as he grieved his spirit died
while resignation filled his eyes |
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might be better. Just a thought!
Good stuff.
joanie
<Added>
That should read 'one too many glass of wine'.
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 tinyclanger at 23:26 on 08 October 2007
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Mmm, lovely Zettel,
The lines seem to swoon, and to have weight
I wondered about 'and as he grieved...'
just to make the whole thing seamless and to run on...I know you use 'and' in the last line too, but to me the piece can stand the repetition, like adding to the weight, giving more emphasis..??
Whatever. I responded to this with pure emotion, and that's a wonderful feeling. Thanks!
x
tc
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tinyclanger at 23:28 on 08 October 2007
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Gosh, I hadn't taken in Joanie's suggestion when I wrote...just read her comment properly now. How odd that she should propose the same thing! Or perhaps that means we've got something?!
Your decision, as always, Z
x
tc
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joanie at 23:54 on 08 October 2007
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tc, that was very interesting, to say the least!! Good to see you.
Joan
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.JPG) Zettel at 11:03 on 09 October 2007
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Thanks guys (sounds sort of better than 'ladies' and much better than 'girls' if that's ok)
See how empathic this group is getting. You've both suiggested I put it back to where it was. Rhythmically it seems to demand and 'and' in line 3. One of the reasons to try more shorter peoem is precisely to make each word carry more weight and then the poem seems to acquire its necessary rhythm that one discovers rather than creates.
Having put the essential 'and' back I've let the poem's own internal rhythm alter the ending. Hope you approve.
Lotta a words about 4 lines eh?
thanks
Z
<Added>
strange about these short poems they always seem to me to want a last line that is what I think is called dramatically a 'dying fall'. (Always wanted to find an excuse to use that lovely expression).
thanks again. 'Our poem' reads better now!
Z
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 James Graham at 20:31 on 10 October 2007
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'...to make each word carry more weight and then the poem seems to acquire its necessary rhythm that one discovers rather than creates' - this struck a chord with me, the realisation that you have discovered a poem's rhythm rather than having done anything to create it. I've sometimes (not often enough) had that experience. The realisation makes you feel (usually rightly) that you've made a better poem.
The subject of this poem is one that could no doubt be expanded to a hundred lines - but it's far better as it is. A huge tragedy, the misery of a wild creature, the confinement and constriction of its energy, is condensed into those four lines.
James.
<Added>
'A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage'...
or
'How can the bird that was born for joy
Sit in a cage and sing?'
I was just reminded of those lines of Blake.
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