|
|
 |
autumn haiku (No.2)
Posted: 07 October 2007
Word Count: 11
|
Font Size
|
|
this autumn night,
the moon has gone missing
-in your absence.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 joanie at 15:09 on 07 October 2007
 Report this post
|
Hi, DC. I can picture the overcast sky and feel the sense of loss here. I would suggest no punctuation at the end of the second line. In fact, I wonder if you could isolate the last line.....this autumn night,
the moon has gone missing
in your absence. |
|
Good one.
josnie
| |
 Dreamchameleon at 16:55 on 07 October 2007
Report this post
|
Thanks Josnie. Isolating the last line would be perfect, but prefer to keep it in the haiku mould.
| |
joanie at 20:01 on 07 October 2007
Report this post
|
That should have said 'JOANIE'!!! I need to rein in my typing fingers!
Sorry.
joanie
| |
Beanie Baby at 21:22 on 10 October 2007
Report this post
|
I really like this and feel it perfectly capures what autumn is all about - tying in the moving on of the season with the absence of someone you are close to was really clever.
Beanie
| |
Account Closed at 09:51 on 19 October 2007
Report this post
|
Love it! Very poignant. I'd remove the comma and the dash though, and let the words have all the power.
Hugs!
A
xxx
| |
RobD at 07:15 on 25 October 2007
Report this post
|
Yup, I would certainly remove the dash.
one interesting, and great thing about this little gem, is that it works just as well if you reverse the first and last line. Loses some of its 'Haiku-ness' the other way round, but I think it is just as valid :)
| |
Alan Summers at 17:00 on 03 November 2007
Report this post
|
this autumn night
the moon has gone missing
in your absence
or
in your absence
the moon has gone missing
this autumn night
I like both versions, and HollyB is right, the way your syntax is formed, you don't need overt punctuation.
| |
smudger at 21:02 on 23 December 2007
Report this post
|
I like the way this ties together the natural and the personal. My preference would be to remove all the punctuation marks, but it's great as it is.
Tony
| |
cherys at 23:29 on 19 February 2008
Report this post
|
I like this. It elicits a gut reaction of longing which my favourite haikus do.
Thanks for posting it.
C
| |
cherys at 23:30 on 19 February 2008
Report this post
|
FTR I much prefer the original version. 'Absence' is a stronger word to end on than 'night'.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
