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Revelation
Posted: 02 October 2007
Word Count: 55
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Version II
She trusted
his expertise,
his confident aplomb.
Assured by
such calmness
she fell at his feet,
until the
nineteenth spreadsheet
appeared. Then she left....
Version I
She trusted
his expertise,
his confident aplomb.
His calmness
assured her so
she fell at his feet.
With a flash
of something like
gut reaction, she left....
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Comments by other Members
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 Tina at 08:22 on 03 October 2007
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HI Joanie
I am so glad she left - and that gut reaction/ instinct still has a role to play.
Wonder if you really need three lines begining with, 'his' - I think the repetition works in the first stanza but could you think of another way of starting the second??
Very much enjoyed as ever
Tina
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LRF at 08:44 on 03 October 2007
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Hi Joanie,
what a beautifully succint poem! Gosh, if only I was as quick as she - would have saved myself a lot of heartache!
The only thing I'd consider is possibly just a little suggestion of how she gets from trust - which is a deep thing, a gut thing -- to the flash/change. Possibly trust is too strong a word to describe her state at the beginning? OR - one line could show us something that happened to cause the change.
At the word by word level, the only ones I'd quibble with are "something like" - either it's a gut reaction or it isn't, I don't see how something can be like a gut reaction.
Very enjoyable read...thanks.
all the best, Susan.
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 joanie at 20:16 on 03 October 2007
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Thank you, ladies! You are right, Tina; I'll play about with that.
Susan, I'm thinking about your suggestions. I need more time to fiddle with it and ponder! My head's spinning now with your detailed observations! Thanks very much.
joanie
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 James Graham at 20:56 on 03 October 2007
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As Susan says, a beautifully succinct poem - like a neat little hammer that drives a nail home - very effective. But as Susan also suggests, some fiddling with the last verse might give it even more punch. You might perhaps use a line, or a even a line and a bit, to include a hint as to what set off the gut reaction. It might be just the thought, ‘Trust, assurance? Had those feelings before…’ or it might be something visual, something he does - a gesture, stroking his beard, smoothing his hair. These are daft examples, but just to show you what I mean. To make room you can dispense with ‘something like’ or even ‘a flash/ of something like’ as we know that gut reactions are usually instant anyway. It can be brain-racking to cram an idea into such a tiny verse - but that’s your forte!
James.
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Ticonderoga at 13:33 on 08 October 2007
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Oooh......I'm too late, but I agree with the praise and suggestions, and would just chip in that I think version 2 is a vast improvement and, for me, stands as it is......
Best,
Mike
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James Graham at 19:48 on 09 October 2007
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A bold move. Instead of tinkering, you ditched almost everything in the last verse and brought in a new idea. It works - 'gut reaction', which seemed ok at first, now seems far too vague beside this very particular thing - the spreadsheets. That was the right choice - there's now an appropriately down-to-earth turning point in the poem's 'brief encounter'.
James.
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joanie at 21:30 on 09 October 2007
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Thank you James. I'm glad you think it works. Thanks for your initial comments, which prompted the re-think.
joanie
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Tina at 08:09 on 10 October 2007
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Hi Joan
I am amazed she lasted till nineteen spreadsheets! AND this is why this line works so well for you. Instant recognition from too many of the female race who have been in her shoes - great stuff
thanks
Tina
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