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by Zettel 

Posted: 25 September 2007
Word Count: 44

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Waiting patiently
upon the gift of sleep
along the edge of dreams
you are buried deep
within my heart
within my soul
I will take you with me
into night’s sweet grace
at rest at peace at one
pretending you're not gone

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Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 16:23 on 25 September 2007  Report this post
Really rather lovely. A quart of thought and emotion in a pint pot of a poem.........it can be done. Bravo!


joanie at 18:16 on 25 September 2007  Report this post
I agree, Z! Lovely. I like the rhymes, the lack of punctuation (especially in at rest at peace at one), the form and the deep, quiet sentiments. Somehow the last line doesn't quite work for me but I don't know why. Perhaps I'm feeling that it's a bit clichéd.... perhaps you intended it to be!

I enjoyed this.


Tina at 09:16 on 26 September 2007  Report this post

I really enjoyed this gentle writing - you have really conveyed the essence of the moment here -
a very condensed piece with lots of feeling


Zettel at 15:33 on 27 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the comments folks. Constantly trying to pare down. Reduce. Distill. Harder for me than most. Wordy by instinct and philosophical training.



LRF at 13:48 on 02 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Zettel,

Thank you for this lovely poem, and I'm sorry not to have given my review earlier - I read it, but I find reading critically such hard work I had to come back.

You've created a very affecting ambience in this poem, as much with the rhythms as with the words. I like that you're using very simple words, and I do like the repetitions.

I have mixed feelings about the total lack of any punctuatiuon, and somehow feel that the absence of punctuation in some lines, such as -- at rest at peace at one-- would be even more effective if certain other lines had just the occasional comma or perhaps even a period. Then the blurring of one line into another becomes a choice, a place where the poet leaves his fingerprints on the language.

I think a similar heightening could be acheived by the very judicious use of a capital or two, and maybe an indent for the 7th line?

And...that last rhyme...ooh. Too easy? Almost a cliche? I feel it lets the poem down a bit.

All the best,


Zettel at 10:56 on 03 October 2007  Report this post
Thanks Susan.

You're all right about the last line. Changed now.

At war with punctuation - must work without it for me with simple poems. longer ones are different.

Thanks for taking the trouble. At least we exicised another cliche fomr th world. Never a bad thing.



LRF at 12:31 on 03 October 2007  Report this post
Aha, AHA, AHA!!! Now that last line kicks ass. A very worthy and wonderful end, that resonates meaning back up through every preceding line, as a good last line should. Bravo!

Zettel at 11:43 on 04 October 2007  Report this post
Thanks Susan

So THAT's the kind of poetry you like eh?

Is a happy poet an oxymoron?

just teasing



DeepBlueGypsy at 04:02 on 07 October 2007  Report this post
all that in 44 words, amazing!
I really like it. I could relate to it and feel it.
Good on ya!

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