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no good feeling it now

by dr_mandrill 

Posted: 05 October 2003
Word Count: 230


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Watching the dark from my car, we went through the fight we'd practised.
I chose answers to fit your honest questions.
Really the lies were as true as anything I could say.
(Can say).

When you held my hand and asked for reasons not to go,
I thought of when your mother died and I held you
In the weeks when you could only see grey.
I thought of the night in town when you thought
I'd said I'd drive us home. We both got hammered,
Ruined the shoes we couldn't afford dancing in the fountain.

I thought of the first time I saw you-
Talking to Sarah by the stairs and you trailed off
To smile at me,
Of talking the sun down and up again, of fucking
Under the acres of stars and not once looking up.
I thought of our Sundays.
I thought that maybe six years of not quite loving you
Could be fixed inside a minute
And I let you drop to the ground.

I left that silence for you to fill with what you wanted
And hoped you had it in you to hate me.

You said you were cold and you left me.
You didn't look back to see me crying
(For real, I was cold too).
This time it didn't stop when you turned the corner
And I was out of sight.






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Comments by other Members



Sparrow_splitter at 17:52 on 06 October 2003  Report this post
I liked this poem. It flows well and a story is put across in an interesting, yet readable way.
It's dark, but still manages to be quite tender in places which I like.
I look forward to reading more work by your good self.

Ellenna at 18:57 on 06 October 2003  Report this post
It's moving and I love the rambly style ..talking half thoughts and bringing them out..there is a desolation about it too.

I like it.

Ellie

Nell at 07:10 on 07 October 2003  Report this post
I don't usually comment on poetry, there's such a lot of fiction to read on this site, but I saw your post and thought I'd take a look.

This feels very true and touching, written from the heart, but without a trace of false sentimentality. This line in particular struck me for its insight.

I thought that maybe six years of not quite loving you
Could be fixed inside a minute
And I let you drop to the ground.


It does feel complete too.

Best, Nell.


olebut at 08:42 on 07 October 2003  Report this post
this is a good poem my only comment is I think you use 'Fucking' in the wrong context as it was the 'in love stage in the relationship' I think you should chnage it to
making love

take care

david

Anna Reynolds at 14:51 on 07 October 2003  Report this post
Lovely; bitter and sweet. I wondered about the lines you have in brackets, being picky cos it's so good- they seem almost like undecided words, and an odd contrast to the rest which feels like you're very sure about. Also, they somehow seem dislocated, as if they're not quite part of the poem. But it's beautifully written and painfully accurate.

dr_mandrill at 15:26 on 07 October 2003  Report this post
Thanks for your comments, folks. It feels good to get positive feedback, I'm sure I'll upload some more stuff now.

David:
I tried it with making love instead to see how it looks. In the end I decided that 'love' sounded a bit fraudulent next to the not quite loving you line.

Anna:
Yes I'm unsure about the brackets. They were the main reason I didn't think the poem was finished. I'm definitely going to take Talking to Sarah by the stairs and you trailed off
To smile at me
out of the brackets, but I'm not sure about those other lines. I think the two shorter lines in brackets were supposed to give the reader the idea that, outside the narrative of the poem, there was still hurt going on. I'm not really sure how to make that work, so I put those lines in brackets as if I'm saying them to myself as I write. Hmm, I'll play around with it a bit I think.

Thanks again sparrow_splitter, Ellie, David, Nell and Anna.

Ioannou at 15:48 on 09 October 2003  Report this post
Great. Sad. Stylish. I agree with you on keeping 'fucking' - though it might have been the 'in love' stage, as David puts it, the poem's narrator is telling us all about how he didn't really feel in love. Lots of the lines are perfect 'talking the sun down and up again', 'Really the lies were as true as anything I could say.' It's an insight. Love, Maria.

Fearless at 18:47 on 09 October 2003  Report this post
Mandrill

It sounds just the way it actually happens

Fearless

Ticonderoga at 21:40 on 10 October 2003  Report this post

'Fucking' is the right word; we have so few words for love, emotional and physical, in English that we need to reclaim some of the taboo ones and restore their dignity. You've done that, in a beautiful poem. Thanks.

Best,

Mike

dr_mandrill at 23:52 on 20 October 2003  Report this post
Right on. I think 'fucking' is a lovely thing and a lovely word in the right context. Making love was wrong for reasons explained above. 'Shagging' sounds a bit locker-room. 'Bonking' sounds totally Carry On. I'm 100% confident I like fucking now- it's serious, adult and unsentimental.

Thanks everyone for the posts.

dm

miffle at 23:52 on 22 January 2004  Report this post
I liked this piece - it reminded me of T Hardy's poem 'Neutral Tones' about a similar parting of ways; the line 'Really the lies were as true as anything I could say' reminded me of Hardy's - 'The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing/ Alive enough to have strength to die' in its riddling nature.

I found the poem endeared the protagonist to me though i.e. far from making me hate him...I liked too the intrigue of the last verse where I felt that perhaps the tables had turned (?)and that her 'cold' was a different 'cold' to his...

NB re. 'fucking' - the right word here, a sound fit i.e. i.e. 'sun' 'up' 'fucking' 'under'; and because in the sound fabric of the poem it fits so seamlessly it becomes in fact (for me) a beautiful word and not in the slightest profane - nikki


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