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Believe me, Baby

by Jordan789 

Posted: 23 September 2007
Word Count: 382
Summary: Not so much for the challenge anymore, but it started with that.


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Bill climbed the garbage-smelling stairs and entered the apartment above the shop.

Tom, Rick, Mike, Dan, PJ, and a few guys Bill had never met before all shook Bill’s hand and then offered the tour.
“Damn, look at that television,” Bill said. “Are those the lazy-boys with the refrigerators built in?—Damn, Carol and I just purchased a juicer—you all would love it—”
Dan cracked his hand in a whipping motion.
When the conversations died down, and most of the beers as well, Mike stood up and hung his head all solemn, garnering the immediate attention of the brothers. He then raised his beer can, signaling a toast, and said, “I’ve had enough of this sausage-fest, let’s take Bill here out to find some skanks-ass-hoes.”
The men all raised their beers, Rick offered a slurred, “here, here”, and they drank up.
“I’ll meet you guys down there,” Bill said.
“Sure you will,” Dan offered. The other men looked slightly disapointed, but their excitement returned as they headed out into the cold air.
Bill sat in the car, hands on the steering wheel, his breath fogging the window. Go home to Carol. He started the ignition. His car moved three feet when he saw Rick stumble out of the door and look around as if lost.
“I’ll take you down there, Rick, but I ain’t coming in,” Bill said. It was five past midnight.
When he arrived home, it was 5:15 in the morning. Please, let her be asleep. Please let the tequila smell a lot stronger than that girl’s perfume.

When he closed the door, he turned the handle so the lock wouldn’t make as much noise as it shut.

Yellow light came from the living room. In the far corner, she sat in Bill's favorite chair, a closed book on her lap. Bill grinned and said, “Hey baby, what are you--” She stood and walked very quickly towards him. For a second he thought that she might smack him. He stepped to the side, and she kept walking, their arms brushing as she passed. The bedroom door slammed behind her.
He rapped once with his knuckle.
“Come on, baby. Open the door,” he said. “I fell asleep at Mickey’s—I didn’t want to wake you up.“

Lying was easier with a good buzz.






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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 11:30 on 23 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan

Is this a theme you are exploring here, about male group interactions? Just curious, because if you are following a thread I would be interested to know what it is, so I can comment more efffectively.

The story is effective on its own, but could also work as one of a group of vignettes, hence my question.

Best

John

Jumbo at 14:06 on 23 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan

I agree with Prosp here (I do sometimes, you know!) There is a definite theme emerging here and it would be interesting (and instructive) to know where you are coming from.

I liked this piece - the heavy, macho feel that it has - and the 'we're all guys together, and we can do what we want' feel of the dialogue and the actions of your cast.

May I mention a couple of points?

I think you can drop 'set of' from the first line. IMO they get in the way of the rhythm of that line - and add nothing at all to your opening phrase.

Tom, Rick, Mike, Dan, PJ, and a few guys Bill never met before ... doesn't work for me. That list of names is far too mechanical; you need to use some other device to introduce the characters. And has Bill already met Tom, Rick, Mike, Dan, PJ? I'm not sure. Maybe you need 'had' between 'Bill' and 'never'.

Shouldn't 'hear, hear' be 'here, here'?

In looking around for everyone else, who had already left I think you can do away with who had already left - and leave that to the imagination of the reader.

But apart from these picks, this nice writing! And I'll be interested to see where you take this.

Thanks for the read.

john






<Added>

... wasn't sure what level of comment you were looking for with this, so I apologise if my crit is a bit 'over the top'.

Jordan789 at 17:54 on 23 September 2007  Report this post
Prosp and John: I don't have a connected theme so much in my head. All of these pieces are sort of about the same thing because they're all revisions on each other. I look at what I wrote, X out what I don't like on the new day, and start again. I don't really have a set game plan, which probably doesn't help; I'm shooting from the hip, as they say.

John: Thank you for the thorough editing. I made your corrected changes and hopefully it reads slightly smoother now.

jordan

crowspark at 22:21 on 23 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan.
I like this version much better. It felt more believable and had good details.
Bill climbed the garbage-smelling stairs and entered the apartment above the shop.

This placed me in your story quickly and made me feel uncomfortable, pulling in the sense of smell.
garnering the immediate attention of the brothers

"Garnering" wasn't a good word choice in my opinion. It didn't fit the tone of the piece.
The other men looked slightly disapointed

The use of the modifier "slightly" didn't work for me either and I would have left it out.
A much better version with a stronger storyline. Your word choices were good overall but your tone was off in a few places (easily rectified).
Thanks for the read.
Bill

<Added>

Oh yes, I liked the title!

Jordan789 at 04:00 on 24 September 2007  Report this post
thanks for the comments bill, and i agree on your suggestions.

jordan


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