Longevity
Posted: 22 September 2007
Word Count: 87
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Longevity
It's my birthday soon; I'll be
a hundred and sixty five.
I've travelled
every continent; I've been
seven times in India.
I've finished Finnegan's Wake.
Beethoven's late quartets
are as good as new.
My great-great-grandson fixed
the ozone layer.
I've published thirty books
and almost learned to write.
I've seen the whole span
of two young trees I planted
a hundred years ago.
In another fifty years, perhaps
(if I don't waste too many days)
life may seem almost long enough,
by the old Earth's measure.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 19:02 on 22 September 2007
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James, I keep returning to this. It's very thought-provoking. I find that my brain is being taxed by the ideas here. 'the old Earth's measure' ....!
I do particularly like I've published thirty books
and almost learned to write. |
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Wonderful!
I know that I shall return often.
joanie
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 V`yonne at 01:17 on 23 September 2007
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Whilst I see what you're doing I think a realistic take could be very meaningful with minimal effect on the poem.
I've travelled
every continent; I've been
seven times in India.
I've finished Finnegan's Wake.
Beethoven's late quartets
are as good as new. |
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Why not traveled the globe, finished BLAH BLAH BLAH understood Beeethoven and Whoever?
My great-great-grandson fixed
the ozone layer. |
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How about may or cn fix the qzone layer
In another fifty years, perhaps
(if I'm careful not to waste
too many days) life may begin
I think like thatat 53. You don't have to go to 165. Make it now-ish.
to seem almost long enough,
by the old Earth's measure. |
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I love this without the part in parenthesis. It has a wonderful balance.
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 Jordan789 at 04:20 on 24 September 2007
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The jist and tone of the poem resonates a bold tone (see what i've done!), however the fictional aspect also leads the tone with a slightly bitter sigh--as if saying, "As if..." We know that what is being described is not truthful, yet the speaker leads us with an eagerness and a youthful insight that makes the overall poem so bitter-sweet.
I've considered oonah's suggested changes and while they certainly would lead to a good read, I think something changes and is lost. While the message of the poem will still shine, I think that the extra years enhance the expressed youthful curiousity, and an eagerness to see all of it, 165 times over, which makes the actual truth seem that much more disheartened and quaint.
I suppose I would scrap what's in the parenthesis, as well as the final line "by the old earth's measure." Only because it sort of hangs on there at the end like an extra tail, both with rhythm and with meaning; the added bit reminds the speaker about the old world; we know it all too well.
-Jordan
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Tina at 11:04 on 24 September 2007
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James have read this and need to return again - as Joanie says - no immediate thoughts or too many - back later
Tina
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Ticonderoga at 17:12 on 24 September 2007
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I'm no good at analysis - but I know a deep, beautiful, resonant and witty poem when I see one. Splendid!
Best,
Mike
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LRF at 16:24 on 28 September 2007
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Hi James,
I'm going to try this dissection business, boss, and if anything I say is of any use it's because I'm trying to imagine what YOU would say.
I like the last stanza best by far. It gives a welcome feeling of peaceful arrival after a choppy journey.
I'm struck as I read and re-read by the choppy rhythm, accentuated by the stanza and line breaks.
I started out thinking the "I" of the poem was not a human, perhaps a ship, or a box...until I got to the bit about Finnegan's Wake! Only humans, bless our cotton socks....
I love that subtle, delicate alliteration - finished Finnegan's...and --fixed--- in the next stanza links so well.
-as good as new. -- It's a bit of a chummy phrase and sidles up to Beethoven with a familiarity the old boy might not appreciate. Also, I'm not sure what you mean - do you mean they sound as good now as when they were written? -They're as good as new - suggests that you've repaired them. "Here, Ludwig, good as new! No sign of that unfortunate accident with the chamber pot."
I wonder about the repeated -almosts--
almost learned to write
the whole span, almost,
to seem almost long enough... are they intentional?
I like the jump from the world-changing to the more mundane aspirations of a writer:
My great-great-grandson fixed
the ozone layer......I've published thirty books
and almost learned to write.
In another fifty years, perhaps
(if I'm careful not to waste
too many days) life may begin
to seem almost long enough,
by the old Earth's measure.
In these last stanzas there are three "to" sounds: to, too, to. I wonder if one or two can't be avoided....???
That "life may begin" dangling attractively at the end of the stanza requires the following "to", but I find "begin to seem" intrinsically awkward, despite being separated by the stanza break. I think you're already conveying the sense of beginning by putting the whole thing fifty years hence. Such is the concision of poetry that it's taking me dozens of words to say what you conveyed by the merest flip of one little word: begin!
In another fifty years, perhaps
(if I don't waste too many days)
life may seem almost long enough,
by the old Earth's measure.
The rhythm of this version is completely different and perhaps way too smooth and predictable? Nice rhythms are a weakness of mine, I know.
Phew. This is hard work, boss! But I've enjoyed having a go.
Many thanks for a wonderful read and a very stimulating attempt to practice your excellent art.
I'm left wondering who you are...and who your doctor is!
Susan.
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 James Graham at 21:32 on 28 September 2007
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Susan, I see what you mean about 'good as new'. It was the Quartet Opus 131 that was the worst - had to replace dozens of worn-out demisemiquavers. No, the line isn't quite right...I meant they seemed as good as when I first heard them. 'Seem as fresh as ever'? Mmm...
Maybe there are too many 'almosts' but they are intentional. 165 years of life...265 years...well, almost enough. However, I've cut the one in the tree verse.
You've done a thorough repair on the ending, though. This is exactly what I'm always telling other people to do - cut unnecessary words. I've changed it. Thanks, boss.
James.
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James Graham at 22:00 on 28 September 2007
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Thanks, all, for commenting. Jordan - 'The old earth's measure' - I think I'll keep that. The last lines of the poem were clumsy for other reasons, and I think they work better now with Susan's revision. The last line is just meant to sign off with a reminder of the age of the planet compared with the absurdly short time we're on it.
Oonah, re making it more now-ish. Like you, I think right now (in my case, at 68) these things about the shortness of life. But I think it actually sharpens the idea to add a century or so on. It does make it a fantasy, even a kind of joke...but I prefer to stick with that idea. As Jordan says, maybe it adds a regretful touch because we know it's not true.
James.
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Tina at 09:22 on 29 September 2007
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James I am returning although I don't know that I have much to say - I read all the dissections above with interest. All I guess I can contrbute is my gut feeling that when I first read this there was something in it that did not feel 'right' others seem to have put there expert fingers on the spots and I like the revisions - please post the whole again so we can compare the before and after. For me that would really illuminate the process.
Thanks
Tina
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LRF at 09:29 on 29 September 2007
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Hi James,
Beethoven's late quartets
are as good as new. |
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OK, I understand what you're trying to say. I'm not sure about 'Seem as fresh as ever' either. It has the same problem, which I now see is not so much the casualness, or colloquialness of the phrase (what I called chummy) - it's that it's second hand.
It tells us nothing about the original experience you had with the music - and it's this experience that remains real and vivid, while your phrases refer to the quartets as objects.
Of course, I don't know what your experience is, but if it were mine, I'd try to convey beauty, sublimity, the immediacy, the shocking reality of the music...
Beethoven's late quartets
are thrilling still ---- well, blah
still zip and tingle.....a bit too visceral?
still sing to my soul --if you like that kind of thing...
are still angels in my blood --- stretching into another metaphor, yikes!
Not for me to find, this phrase. What I'm saying is that it's a opportunity for a little zing that gives us an insight into why you're still into THAT music after all these years.
all the best,
Susan
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DeepBlueGypsy at 04:04 on 09 November 2007
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Oh, I had a totally different view of this poem
I thought that the subject of the poem was a tree. I looked at this poem as if it were a riddle of "who am I?"
A tree that is 165 yrs old
a ship made from a tree
sailing to India.
James Joyce's Finnegans Wake is about the cycle of life
and Bethoven's best work would not be here if we didn't have paper.
The future growth of trees that help replenish the ozone layer better than any man could.
publishing books(unless they are ebooks) wouldn't happen without the paper(again) and the wooden pencil.
The tree that cast it's seeds "planted" the two young trees.
We have measured time by the rings of the trees.
Well, I'm not very good at disecting poems, I'll not be doing this very much, very uncomfortable, so I'll leave this to the experts who do it so effortlessly.
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