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by Dreamchameleon 

Posted: 15 September 2007
Word Count: 23


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With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;
wiping away tears
with the tip of the tongue,
she reshapes his lips, into a smile.







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Comments by other Members



joanie at 21:37 on 15 September 2007  Report this post
Hi DC, this is so sensual. I love the feline reference in the opening line, which sets the scene beautifully, I think.

I do find, however, that I'm struggling with the punctuation in the last two lines; it made me falter as I read. I would prefer
With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;
wiping away tears
with the tip of the tongue,
she reshapes his lips into a smile.


Just a thought!

joanie



Dreamchameleon at 21:53 on 15 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Joanie, I need help here, I am struggling with this one too. The idea is that "with the tip of the tongue" links the previous line "wiping away tears" AND the last, "reshaping the lips": with the tip of the tongue. That is my idea, not sure how to convey it, though. Any ideas how to use the punctuation to depict just that?

joanie at 14:39 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
Hi again. I felt that the way I suggested does just that - links the three lines. See what others think!

joanie

Dreamchameleon at 13:26 on 17 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Joanie and thanks, if that is the way it reads, then I am happy. DC

Account Closed at 13:25 on 21 September 2007  Report this post
Love it - very sensual. I'd go a little further and have:

With feline delicacy
she grooms his eyelashes;

wiping away tears
with the tip of her tongue,

she reshapes his lips
into a smile.


I think having the space between stanzas allows the reader room to process the single image in each couplet and also gives them time to breathe. I also think it needs a title just to give it a home, but I'm not sure what your title is. Maybe just "Feline" or similar? - something strong and sexual anyway!

:))

A
xxx

Dreamchameleon at 12:01 on 23 September 2007  Report this post
Hi HollyB (A) thank you for your comment. DC


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