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The Raft

by FizzdeBrooke 

Posted: 13 September 2007
Word Count: 234
Summary: A shipwrecked sailor is forced onto a raft made of cheese to survive, but the raft is slowly crumbling away.

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Shaun tipped the bottle of Louis Latour, Meursault, 2004, two hundred-year-old sherry. It dripped over the squirming snail, and it promptly stopped moving.

He picked up the stiletto, his wife’s favourite shoe, and cracked the shell of the snail.

Julie, beloved Julie, if only they’d not drank so much of the sherry – she wouldn’t have fallen off the uncanny raft.

Just a little he thought. It can’t hurt. He chipped a small piece of the raft with the pink heel, like an axe.

He crumbled a pinch of gorgonzola over the grey delicacy.

His mouth watered. He munched, enjoying the flavours and licking slime from his fingers.

The only survivors of the ship Delicate, trading in giant cheese, sunk by a freak storm. Correction, only him now – he shouldn’t have taken his wife with him. A bad idea maybe ... but they’d spent so much time apart. It seemed like the best option to save their marriage.

Sharks everywhere, Julie wouldn’t have known. She was so drunk.

Shaun pulled his stumpy legs closer to his body as more of his raft crumbled into the sea. It was crumbling faster. At first it was a little piece every day.

He shifted his heavy frame to ease the aching in his old hips, and dribbled sherry over another snail. Five snails left, half a bottle of vintage, not a bad life for a sailor.

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Comments by other Members

ireneintheworld at 19:22 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
did you call US whackos? my god this is a truly mental piece. magnificent fizz.


V`yonne at 19:59 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
What surreal ending.
did you call US whackos?
Did you? Well we haven't a patch on this. This is the one to beat, Forbes!
Oonah :)

Bandy Bundy at 20:23 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
A strange challenge from a bunch of nutters produces a gourmet flash!!

This is a brilliant accompaniment Fizz - excellent take on the prompt.

When you're hungry; you're hungry!!!

Fave line:-

Just a little he thought. It can’t hurt. He chipped a small piece of the raft with the pink heel, like an axe.

Why not, might as well make the most or his delicacy!


FizzdeBrooke at 21:18 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
Wow, thanks everyone. None of you are whacko. I'm whacko, totally and utterly. You're a great bunch of people. My imagination's pretty weird though. I hope it isn't too much.

It was either a sailor or a bunch of robots worshipping a giant snail, which is worse?

Forbes at 21:24 on 13 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Fizz

lateral thinking here aplenty! Weird and wonderful!



Account Closed at 09:27 on 14 September 2007  Report this post
Mad!!! And also surprisingly sad - as well as funny!!



bjlangley at 04:10 on 15 September 2007  Report this post
Surreal, but not so far as to be unenjoyable. I don't know if it would be a little confusing without the summary telling us it's a cheese raft from the start.

Imaginative stuff, thanks


Prospero at 12:06 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Fizz

Reminds me of that old shaggy dog story about the eskimo who put a parrafin heater in his canoe burnt a hole in the bottom and sank it. The punch line was 'You can't have your kayak and heat it.'



rmol1950 at 15:50 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
A sailor with pink stilletos and a penchant for live snails and gorgonzola. Luvly jubbly. What a great imagination.

FizzdeBrooke at 20:43 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks everyone. I know it isn't perfect. It was just a bit of fun after all, wasn't it? I had a lot of fun writing it. I look forward to another prompt.


Prospero at 03:02 on 17 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Chris

It was just a bit of fun

Precisely. That is what all these Challenges are about. They are intended to prompt people to write and hopefully to work at their writing. Mine has improved out of all recognition.

So whether yours is picked as the best or not, is not really the point. Ultimately we are all winners.



Forbes at 12:00 on 17 September 2007  Report this post
And I think that makes Prospero the Mr Congeniality of WriteWords!!

Forbes ;)

FizzdeBrooke at 14:44 on 17 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks, John. In order to grow as a writer, would be useful if people could comment on what could be changed to make the writing better. For me, I can see mine needs to be clearer that the raft is made of cheese! But is that all that needs to be changed?


ireneintheworld at 15:37 on 17 September 2007  Report this post
hi chris

i don't think this is confusing at all; i got that the raft was a giant cheese without the preamble but, if you changed...
He crumbled a pinch of gorgonzola over the grey delicacy

the 'a' to 'the' any problem should be covered.



btw, i have noticed that in here they don't seem to go in for in-depth crits, perhaps because there's a new piece of work every week; and, usually there's not a lot of critting needed on a flash. i use flash to make me write but they don't just stay like that - i expand them (i've expanded one into a novel!) or they are really poems, so i do a bit of shaping and cutting.

the flashers are the most prolific workers on ww chris, so get ready to haul ass.


ps i'm only here sometimes 'cause i'm lazy.

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