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At the Alhambra
Posted: 13 September 2007
Word Count: 83
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Sheltering in the shaded gardens of the Alhambra
I opened the treasure chest where I had hidden you smile,
you lured me through cool courtyards, where we
kissed and embraced by warbling fountains.
Intoxicated by the kiss, dreams led through the quarters
of the harem, where we caressed and caroused
till the sun became moon. Wanting to capture the stars
that shone in your eyes, I sealed your eyelids with
a kiss, and fixed your dreams.... before disappearing
into the jasmine scented night...
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 Ticonderoga at 15:32 on 22 September 2007
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Two tiny things - 'had hidden' in the second line, I think......
and 'set' in the second last doesn't quite make sense.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this; it has a lovely, dreamlike, Omar Khayam-ish quality which is very beguiling. Write on!
Best,
T
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foundit at 10:43 on 24 September 2007
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I enjoyed the flow and content.
I wouldn't wish to presume however just two words.
Second line the last word would it make a difference if it wasn't there smile and the first word on the third line if it was you would it flow better.
I enjoyed the sentiment and the feeling of your words.
The pleasure in writing leads to the pleasure in reading.
Joe.
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DeepBlueGypsy at 06:54 on 06 December 2007
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Hello Dreamchameleon, This and your other poem Starry Night seem to be in the same voice.(A series perhaps?) Full of imagery that is lovely. The words ancient and timeless come to mind for both poems. Something about them made me think of the works of Rumi- love poetry isn't easy to write (atleast for me)so I admire anyone who even attempts it. The only line I stumble on is "I opened the treasure chest where I had hidden you smile" I am a bit lost on that line and I don't know quite why. The rest of the poem flows in image and understanding very well for me. Look forward to reading more! Divi (Poetry Group I)
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Account Closed at 11:53 on 04 January 2008
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Lovely, warm and erotic! I might be tempted to change a couple of things, as below:
Sheltering in the shaded gardens of the Alhambra
I opened the treasure chest where I had hidden your smile.
You lured me through cool courtyards,
where we kissed and embraced by warbling fountains.
Intoxicated by the kiss, dreams led through the quarters
of the harem, where we caressed and caroused
till the sun became moon. Wanting to capture the stars
that shone in your eyes, I sealed your eyelids
with a kiss, and fixed your dreams
before vanishing
into the jasmine scented night.
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