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Senryu or Haiku?
Posted: 11 September 2007
Word Count: 9
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In summer-ripe
Honeyed fig succulence;
She waits for him.
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 joanie at 21:31 on 11 September 2007
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MMmmmm.... delicious! As for the title, I have no idea! I love the brevity, the sensuousness.... You could drop the hyphen, though!
Lovely.
joanie
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 Dreamchameleon at 09:01 on 12 September 2007
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Oh Joanie... I know my hyphens irritate. But tell me, English is not my mother tongue. how do I create a pause, a suspense there, just before you read the las line? That is my intention actually, a full stop is better? Thank you again for visiting
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joanie at 14:08 on 12 September 2007
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I'm no expert, DC, but I think that often a semi-colon is OK. In this case, grammatically it should be a comma and no dash. How about changing it slightly so that it could be summer-ripe
honeyed fig succulence;
she waits for him |
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I would prefer lower case rather than capitals at the start of each line, but that's just my preference.
joanie
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Dreamchameleon at 16:01 on 12 September 2007
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OK let us try, will edit it. Thank you Joanie.
About the capitalization at the start of each line, I seem to have got that "rule" for non-Japanese language Haiku from somewhere, one of those "expert" books.
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joanie at 16:47 on 12 September 2007
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Yes, like I said, I'm no expert! See what others think.
joanie
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Account Closed at 09:41 on 14 September 2007
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Fantastic. I do however agree with Joanie, and would go for:
In summer-ripe
honeyed fig succulence:
she waits for him.
It's absolutely fine to anglicise the haiku - it's more important to go with the heart of the poem than any Japanese rule. I do think it flows better with lower case, and I'd go so far as to make that semi-colon a colon at the end of line two.
Wonderful stuff.
A
xxx
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smudger at 20:32 on 15 September 2007
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This worked for me even without the edits; it's very sensuous...phew!
Tony
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