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A Message to an Older Brother
Posted: 08 September 2007 Word Count: 161
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Message to an Older Brother - Do you remember the time when we sat up and played in the dark, With the TV glowing off our faces, leaning forward on our knees on that pink rug turned brown rug from Shoes and dog feet and hair, and when those windows broke, and the dogs, The zombie Dobermans chased us from one end of the hall down through and past The sea foam green wallpaper, until we escaped through the door, the door, And our hearts beat and we looked at each other, eyes wide, both saying the same Thing and thinking the same thing, this is the coolest video game we’d ever Played, and it was. With zombies and shotguns and conspiracies And puzzles involving giant chess pieces and even larger serpents. I hope that sometimes you look around and someone Is with you to share in a moment as exciting as being chased down a corridor by zombie Doberman pinschers.
Comments by other Members
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joanie at 08:42 on 08 September 2007
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Hi Jordan, I love this! I don't have brothers or sisters so it is all the more poignant for me. I like the descriptions - I can see that scene in front of the TV very clearly. I would drop the capitals at the start of each line, however, and punctuate as in prose.
Very enjoyable.
joanie
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V`yonne at 10:35 on 08 September 2007
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I love it too. It has a rough-and-tumble of boys quality about it and the end is wonderful. It is often difficult to say, 'I love you' to a brother or sister - easier sister to brother.
Little things like you don't need the second 'rug' in
that pink rug turned brown rug from |
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could hone it down. And I agree with Joanie about the caps.
But it's really meaningful and well observed emotion.
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Elsie at 11:29 on 09 September 2007
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Very nice. Took me back to childhood - not that we had video or computer games - but that feeling of getting so involved in a game. Agree with Joanie about the caps, it does confuse a little. Perhaps you could rearrange as a prose poem, too.
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James Graham at 15:26 on 09 September 2007
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There's a spontaneous feel to this, as if the message to the older brother had been written on the spur of the moment. The long lines jog along, even rush along - especially where we come to the chase - and the whole thing reads like something said in a momentary surge of good feeling.
The only part I felt was not quite right was the last three lines. The second-last especially seems a bit long-winded. 'Being chased down a corridor' is plain repetition, and your description of the chase a few lines previously is vivid (with the breathlessness of 'the door, the door') and is fresh in our minds anyway. As soon as I read these last lines I thought of something like
I hope that sometimes you look round and someone
Is with you to share a zombie doberman moment.
The line-breaks could be different from this, but I do think your ending needs to be compressed for more impact.
James.
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bjlangley at 17:14 on 09 September 2007
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Ha, ha, Resident Evil. Once I blew a giant spider off the wall with the grenade launcher, and it came flying at me. I was scared to play it again for days.
Worst thing about that, I was in my twenties at the time...
Anyway, captured the moment spot on, nice one.
All th ebest,
Ben
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Jordan789 at 19:10 on 09 September 2007
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haha. I didn't think anyone would know the game, but i'm pleasantly surprised. Thanks all for the comments. I shall digest, digest.
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Ticonderoga at 13:52 on 11 September 2007
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I like tis very much - strong imagery and feelings, rhythmic language, and an echo of Ginsberg in structure and feel! Write on.....
Best,
T
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Tina at 08:08 on 19 September 2007
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Hi - a bit late but better later ...
I enjoyed reading this and its spontaneous feel - the writing has a lot to say about siblings and the kind of special friendship they share which makes it very appealling to the reader. As to the form I liked that too - actually I think I might lead a revolt against the 'you can't do it that way brigade' - want to join?
Thanks
Tina
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Jordan789 at 16:24 on 21 September 2007
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I would like to join the resistance, Tina. Thank you for reading and the kind words. Appreciate it.
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