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When
Posted: 06 September 2007
Word Count: 67
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When
When you touch me
I am yours
When you hold me
I am held
When you kiss me
I am home
When you love me
I am at peace
When I fear
You make me safe
When I doubt
You give me faith
When I despair
You give me hope
You are my quiet place
between dark and dawn
in parting night
my solace
my light
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Comments by other Members
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 Elsie at 21:15 on 07 September 2007
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Hi Zettel
Perhaps you need another word/phrase for
"I am held" as it's the only place where you are repeating exactly the verb.
Linda
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 joanie at 08:39 on 08 September 2007
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A heartfelt love poem, Zettel, but I would agree about the hold/held and I'm not sure about the rhyming despair/there even though I love rhymes. It seems to spoil the feel of it, somehow. I think the light/night works better.
joanie
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.JPG) Zettel at 14:19 on 09 September 2007
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Thanks folks
The use of the 'held' was intentional. There is a distinction I was trying to tease out. Holding someone or something is an everyday, action. Being 'held' in the deepest sense means more than that - being held in this sense means that you feel completely and without reservation safe, completely loved, completely at one. It is only too possible to be held and this NOT to be the experience above. And this special sense of 'held' does not always have to be between lovers. Obviously with a different emotional context it works with a parent holding a child. Here this most simple natural human act expresses comfort, protection absolute safety.
A lot of words for simple usage. To illustrate.
I did not mean
When you hold
I am held
(tautology)
I mean't
When you hold me
I am held
(the implication of the second one is that the meaning of 'you' carries a special weight. But to italicise the 'you' as well would detract from the weight precisley on 'held'.
Maybe it doesn't work. But it was intentional.
regards
Z
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 James Graham at 20:04 on 09 September 2007
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I can see now what you meant by 'I am held'. Your putting 'held' in italics in your comment suggests that maybe if you put it in italics in the poem itself, you would avoid any impression that it's a weak line, and clearly show that a wider meaning is intended. I seem to remember you don't like to use italics, but maybe this once?
Don't you agree, though, that 'When I despair/ You are there' is not so good? It's like what they're always saying on Trisha etc, daytime agony shows, about 'being there' for somebody. There must be many possible lines to follow 'When I despair...', avoiding the rhyme too.
I like the lines
You are my quiet place
Between night and dawn |
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so much, I'd be inclined to be ruthless and end the poem with them. Those two lines break the pattern of 'When' clauses just enough, and end the poem with a fine image; more lines after them break it too much, I feel.
James.
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Zettel at 12:14 on 10 September 2007
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James - as ever you're right.
The cadence doesn't work for me ending on the line you suggest. So I've changed the rhythm slightly. For short poems I always feel their ending needs to be defined by rhythm rather than meaning. Or ideally a synthesis of the two. Through their rhythm the last line(s) should I think 'bring it home',unless of course one has a poetic reason to leave something hanging out there. Here I don't. In my ear, the 'when' clauses build towards the change in rhythm required to end them satisfyingly.
Thanks as usual for the comments.
regards
Z
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James Graham at 10:59 on 11 September 2007
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Yes, this works much better. You're right about rhythm at the end of a short poem. If the rhythm is right, a few extra words, even if they don't - very strictly speaking - add much to the meaning, can make the ending work as it should.
James.
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