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Striving for average

by joanie 

Posted: 05 September 2007
Word Count: 238
Summary: Perhaps it's just because I'm back at work... (Version II) - Cain and Kyle are VERY real!!
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Version III (Last stanza removed)
The longer
life is lived
the more
normality
becomes
less the norm
and more
something to be grasped.

Cain, friend of Kyle,
would never be able -
that we knew.
Would never conjugate
foreign verbs
or get to grips with

Milton.

Quadratic equations
were always an enigma, yet

that ancient tractor
which once lay fallow
in the field
was now beginning
to take shape
under his expert hands.

The more
attainments fail
to hit the spot
the less
achievements
seem to count
in the scheme

of things.


Version II
The longer
life is lived
the more
normality
becomes
less the norm
and more
something to be grasped.

Cain, friend of Kyle,
would never be able -
that we knew.
Would never conjugate
foreign verbs
or get to grips with

Milton.

Quadratic equations
were always an enigma, yet

that ancient tractor
which once lay fallow
in the field
was now beginning
to take shape
under his expert hands.

The more
attainments fail
to hit the spot
the less
achievements
seem to count
in the scheme

of things.

While the world
strives to gain possessions,
Cain, friend of Kyle,
shows the world that
he is able.



Version I
The longer
life is lived
the more
normality
becomes
less the norm
and more
something to be grasped.

The more
attainments fail
to hit the spot
the less
achievements
seem to count
in the scheme

of things.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 09:04 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
That is deep philosophy with great economy Joannie. I adore it, and the title too.
Oonah
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joanie at 10:59 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks, V'yonne!

joanie
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Elsie at 22:08 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Joanie
The first stanza I understand totally, the second not quite - perhaps because I'm not sure of the specific difference between attainment and achievement - perhaps an 'attainment' is an education lingo word, whereas achievement is broader?

<Added>

Ooh, by the way, I also liked the title.
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V`yonne at 09:19 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
You see, as a special needs teacher, I got that bit about attainments and achievements perfectly. It was one of the reasons I left - that, I was being made to set attainment targets, which if not met, diminished the real achievements which are very often not measurable, thus discouraging endeavour.
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joanie at 08:34 on 08 September 2007  Report this post
Elsie, V'yonne has just put it perfectly. Thanks for reading! Much appreciated.

joanie
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James Graham at 15:09 on 09 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Joanie - You tell us this may be a result of being back at work, which is a hint that in some indirect way the poem has a context. I’m not necessarily pointing out a fault when I say this, because this is something you often do well - you’ve expressed the thought completely without its context, in a completely detached, impersonal way. You don’t write ‘The longer/ I live’ or even ‘The longer/ we live’; it’s the passive ‘The longer/ life is lived’. And so on - the poem is distilled, it's a concise statement of an abstract thought.

I wondered how I would go about writing this myself, and decided that probably I would try to put it in a context. Maybe a pupil I once had who couldn’t write a sentence or do maths to save his life, but took free after-school lessons - which were available at the time - and learned to play the cornet. He could play a simple tune very nicely, and joined the school band. He gained a lot of self-esteem. I’m sure I know the difference between attainment and achievement - and so did he. I think I’d probably write a few lines about this boy, and then draw a conclusion about attainment versus achievement. Do you see what I mean? You’ve written lots of poems in which you have ‘abstracted’ the thought from its context, presented just the pure thought, and done it very tellingly. But I just wonder if this poem needs a little ‘story’ to back it up.

James.
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joanie at 16:57 on 09 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks, James. I'm already working on it!

joanie
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Ticonderoga at 13:44 on 11 September 2007  Report this post
I'm with James - great stuff that would be even better with a bit of 'set-dressing'.........;-)


Best,

Mike
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joanie at 19:26 on 11 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks Mike. I'm still working on this one!

joanie
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joanie at 21:27 on 11 September 2007  Report this post
Not fully happy with this, but .... what do you think?

joanie
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Tina at 10:43 on 14 September 2007  Report this post
Joanie

Late to t his as I have been away - a bit of psychology as I am NOT retirning to another Autumn term - the first time in years and it feels VERY odd - I almost feel guilty that I am not working!!!

However - glad that I am late as this has enabled me to see both versions - haven't read all the blog above but much liked the second version - it reminds me of so many childrens poems - like 'Billy MacBone' do you know that one?

Anyway very much enjoyed this - as ever - after years in education struggling with 'raising attainjment' this really hits the spot:

The more
attainments fail
to hit the spot
the less
achievements
seem to count
in the scheme

of things.


I liked the 'story' in the second version - but there again I like stories in poems/ poems in stories. Great stuff

Tina
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joanie at 20:43 on 14 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks Tina; I really appreciate it.

joanie
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