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Up in Smoke

by tractor 

Posted: 05 September 2007
Word Count: 467
Summary: Week 167 challenge entry


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Harry had just returned from buying coffee for the team when Max, his Director, beckoned.

"Take a seat."

Relaxing into the deep leather Italian furniture was like being swallowed by a perfumed clam so Harry hunched forward. This forced attentiveness was made more uncomfortable today by the cardboard tray of hot drinks on his lap. He could already feel his thighs beginning to burn.

Max sat in the chair opposite and lit one of the workplace-illegal cigars he favoured. Light from the struck match reflected briefly from the glass and stainless steel coffee table between them.

"Bad news Harry, Redundantsyville beckons. Nothing I could do about it. H.O. wouldn't listen. You know how it is."

Harry knew, he felt his blood turn to ice. He'd joined LeBros five years ago after losing his last job in a bank merger.

"So, why me?"

"You want to go through that?" Max waved his cigar in surprise, a trail of pungent smoke hanging in the air. "The usual things. You're one of the higher paid members of middle-management, recent results o.k. but not spectacular. The Bank thinks that combining your team with Connor's, under a new man not so close to retirement, will bring dynamism."

"I'm just 47, no where near ready for retirement." Harry felt the bile of panic build and his trouser belt suddenly felt tight over his modest paunch.

"Unfortunate that you haven't managed to get your financial ducks in a row, but your experience with LeBros should help you find a fill-in job."

"It’s a career I want. Is Connor being made redundant too?" Harry said, his face reddening in anticipation of the reply.

"Keep cool Harry, H.R. say the position, not the person, is redundant. Connor’s going to be No. 2 in the new team." Max’s face betrayed the slightest degree of embarrassment.

"Come on! Despite exceeding the bloody new business budget for the last five years, you're treating me like a number two, something to be flushed down the toilet. "

Max stumped his cigar in the flowerpot of a sick looking Yucca and leaned across the coffee table. "Look Harry, there's no point in getting emotional, it won't change anything. Lets cut the crap. HO has empowered me to make an offer."

"Let's hear it then."

"A month's salary for every year you've worked, plus we'll put you on gardening leave for three months, give you the chance to find that new position without an interruption in income. Your company car is gratis, family medical insurance stays in place for a year. LeBros will pick up the tax."

"I've got to think about this Max."

"What's to think? There's no negotiation with H.O. Take the package man, if you don't accept it now, it'll be less tomorrow. It's the way the system works."








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Comments by other Members



Forbes at 14:21 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Ahhh I remember this so well! The cut & thrust of the City. I'm so glad I'm out of it!!

Nicely drawn, believable stuff. One pick

...five years, your treating...


should be you're.

But back to the tinpot god...hope Harry sticks out for more!!


TFR

Forbes

V`yonne at 14:31 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Hey, Mark, a great read and that yucca isn't the only sick thing around.

HO has empowered me to make an offer."


empowered - don't you just hate that word?! and the whole game theory ring of it.

It's the way the system works."


I loved the clever way this scene played out from being the team player to ousted in a flash - literally!

Great work Mark!
Cheers Oonah



tractor at 14:51 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Forbes & Oonah,

thanks for your comments. The land of Mamon certainly isn't a bed of roses for most.

Grammar will be corrected.

Mark



Jordan789 at 19:07 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Ah, the sad way of the corporate.

I like this story, with the dialogue and scenes playing out accurately and very lucidly. I find myself wanting to better connect to the characters personally. We can understand and empathize if we've been in his shoes, or even if we've seen movies where this plays out, but what else is at stake for the guy? Family? Is he a big old loser?

I loved this line: "Relaxing into the deep leather Italian furniture was like being swallowed by a perfumed clam"

Well done vivid image.

tractor at 23:22 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Jordan,

thanks for commenting. This may be part of a larger work where the empathy angle can be more fully explored. I think though, that with Flash you have to capture a point in time and make the best you can of it. Necessarily, this means gaps, but you have to leave the reader to fill these in. As you point out, probably
we’ve seen movies
so that helps and, ultimately, there's nothing original on earth, we all known the basic themes. Maybe newborn babies are original, but if you believe in reincarnation.....

Mark

Jumbo at 23:37 on 05 September 2007  Report this post
Mark

I can see this being played out - the over-flash furniture, the characters,the cigar smoke. All neatly drawn in a few well chosen words.

And great dialogue - just the right mixture of office speak and emotion.

One pic - I think you could drop the full-stops in the abbreviations - HO instead of H.O.. What do you think?

And I think you are right when you say that flash is about capturing one point in time - and I think you've done just that with this piece. And caught it quite accurtately.

Nice writing, thanks for the read.

john

crowspark at 21:50 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
Great details Mark. Nice piece of work. I find myself going over the nuggets -- he is in the middle of fetching drinks for his team, the sofa is
like being swallowed by a perfumed clam
(superb and fitting image)
the details of the 8 months pay etc.
Completely believable dialog.
A master stroke having him trapped in a painful position by such an odious boss.
My only slight reservation is that I didn't feel the ending was a strong as the rest of the piece. I'd like him to have dumped the coffee on his boss and tell him he was giving it all up become a pavement artist/sand sculptor ....
Thanks for an impressive read.

Bill

tractor at 22:43 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
John & Bill,
thanks for reading.

Jumbo: yes, I agonised over those dots! I think your right.

Bill: agree, but real life....

Cheers

Mark

tiger_bright at 09:21 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Mark, this should not have been so chilling given that it was just a slice of "everyday" life but you so effectively painted the picture of poor, modestly-paunched Harry that I was scared for him. I'm late to the party and see that everyone else has already said how brilliant this image is but I love it so I'm going to put it in the quote box:

Relaxing into the deep leather Italian furniture was like being swallowed by a perfumed clam

Masterful!

Tiger

titania177 at 15:43 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Mark,
urgh,this made my skin crawl! Poor harry! This feels like part of a larger work, is it? I will assume it is, because the ending doesn't really end things. Max is a great character, despicable in so many ways. I'd love to know a bit more about Harry. You've got something great here, go with it!

Tania

choille at 23:50 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Mark,

I like the dialogue - runs true.

It is so far away from my life - yet it felt right on the money as they say - see I read the Money section in the Guardian;)

I would endevour to steer well clear of cliches e.g His blood turned to ice & try & shove in a tad more show - more show than tell, that sounds harsh - it's meant to, coz I enjoyed this, but see that it could be really polished to glitter.

The topic is very topical - which is good.
- takes us to a place that is probably all too common in this land of down-sizing, out-sourcing & generally living in a post-modern consumerist society, but rarely examined.

Good flash - well done.

All the best

caroline

tractor at 10:53 on 08 September 2007  Report this post
Tiger, Tania & Caroline,

thanks for commenting. Glad you liked it. I'll think about the editing.

Mark

Prospero at 13:34 on 15 September 2007  Report this post
Hey Mark

This hit where it hurts. This has just been done to me without any of the 'gardening leave' or other perks. I can really relate to Harry and his frustration.

Prosp

tractor at 09:04 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
Hi Prosp,

sorry to hear that. From experience I know you can always climb back.....if you want.

Cheers

Mark

Prospero at 10:15 on 16 September 2007  Report this post
Yep. In fact every time I have ended up better off. So we shall see what happens.

Best

Prosp


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