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Haikai

by Dreamchameleon 

Posted: 04 September 2007
Word Count: 34
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A summer wedding,
Confetti papering the sky.
The seagulls.
~~~
Autumn mists
A soupcon of sun through cloud;
Old gown, new dawn
~~~
Change of season
Foliage gold, full moon
-Her first verse
~~~











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Beanie Baby at 16:52 on 06 September 2007  Report this post
These are real haiku stuff and I absolutely adore them. The only thing I would say is that the final line of the third one does not tie in very fluidly with the rest of the piece and kind of left me with a question mark hovering over my head. Particularly like the second one - bit then autumn is my favourite season so I am biassed!
Thank you for sharing.

beanie
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Account Closed at 10:35 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
I really enjoyed these - though I would say you don't need that little hyphen at the start of each third line. The words on their own are powerful enough & don't need a "lead-in".

A full stop or semi-colon/colon at the end of line 2 would be fine.

:))

A
xxx
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Dreamchameleon at 13:01 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
To Beanie
Thanks for visiting my page and constructive comments. The last line of the last Haiku, is personal and refers to a change of season, parallel to personal change, thus the "first verse" is the first of the new life/season.
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Dreamchameleon at 13:05 on 07 September 2007  Report this post
Thank you Holly and for the comments.
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joanie at 09:00 on 08 September 2007  Report this post
Hi DC, I, too, enjoyed these, and would agree that a semi-colon is sufficient rather than a hyphen. I will try now to see the seagulls as confetti papering the sky, which is a lovely image, rather than scavengers!

joanie
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Dreamchameleon at 18:26 on 08 September 2007  Report this post
Thank you Joanie for the comment.
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