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Happiest Days Section 4 of 4

by Tracy 

Posted: 22 August 2007
Word Count: 1560
Summary: This is the final part of my first chapter. Hopefully it won't disappoint. If it does though please tell me.


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Happiest Days Chapter One – 4th Section

The meeting had taken place around him, he had only spoken when he was addressed directly, and if anyone had asked him he would have had no idea what tasks had been allocated him for Ofsted or any of the other decisions made by his faculty.
Now though he was in his own classroom, surrounded by familiar things, as he tried to come to grips with the shattering news he had heard in the staffroom. How could he have been so stupid? Well, if he was honest with himself he knew how. It wasn’t so easy when he was working all day to have time to spend out and about in the evenings. Soon there would be reports to write, lesson preparation, and liaison with other faculties to deal with. Add to that the fact that almost all departments had a new scheme of work in place this year, and last year’s plans weren’t worth squat.
That knowledge of time running away had spurred him on and he had gone out hunting ill prepared. He had stood in the shadows, watching, waiting, until he saw her, someone, anyone, who gave him those feelings, who fitted his image of perfection. They could be brunette, blonde, but each time there needed to be vulnerability, a little-girl quality, which drew him to them.
She had that in spades. Her hair had been auburn, shoulder length and moved in waves as she walked. When he heard the click of her car unlocking via remote he had known she was the one. Climbing in behind the passenger seat, while she emptied her trolley, had been a snap and everything had gone as planned after that. It had all been just as it should until he had gone to the staffroom before his faculty meeting and realised she had been a colleague’s wife.
He took a mouthful of coffee and then, leaning back in his chair, remembered for a moment. He could see her, the fear in her eyes that he caused, and the excitement stirred within him once again. She had begged, but then they always begged, did they really think, after he had gone to all the trouble to find them, he would just let them go?
He opened his desk drawer and looked down at his latest prize, which he couldn’t yet be parted from. The watch, dainty as she had been, gold and beautifully crafted, had engraving on the back of the solid band, ‘to Annie, together we have all the time in the world, Darren’ A laugh filled his classroom as he heard her begging again, but this time she was asking him to take anything else, not her watch, not her precious watch. He let his laughter continue; enjoying the moment enormously knowing it was he who had all the time.

Annie had explained how she had been made to turn the opposite way to her usual journey home, and how the road, tarmacked for a little way, soon turned to no more than a gravelled path.
“We … he made me keep driving, my headlights were picking up potholes in the road, but I just kept going in a straight line, I … I was too scared … and he wouldn’t let me look anywhere but right in front of me.
“I don’t know how far we went, I … I have no idea how long the entire thing took but it seemed like forever.” Annie’s voice was no more than a whisper now, but Joel knew the tape would pick up her words and wasn’t worried, just understanding of her situation and feelings as he noted down her body language, as well as an odd word here and there to repeat back at the end.
“Can I just ask a question?” Ryan had coughed lightly and, once again, put her own hand over Annie’s. The young woman seemed to look in her direction, the pads an ever present reminder to all in the room of the visible injuries she had suffered.
“Yes, I’m sorry; I’m trying to be accurate.”
“No, it’s not a problem, I just wanted to clarify something.” Ryan waited, watching the young woman as she listened intently.
“Ok, but I’m sorry if I left something out.”
Ryan gently tightened her own hand round that of the other woman in the room, just for a moment and then she spoke.
“When you said you had your headlights on, why was that? It was still light wasn’t it?”
“Yes, it was, but not light enough, with the trees and everything around me, to see the track very clearly. I … I thought I might remember it later too, if I could see it, but I don’t, I don’t remember it at all.” Her voice faded off into the distance and for a moment all was quiet again as they waited for Annie to continue her tale.
“He told me to stop, he was still, so quiet, so … measured, but muffled. I could feel his presence behind me, and that was menacing, scary. So was his voice but in a different way, like he’d done it all before and knew where he was. Ryan nodded and realized, belatedly, Annie couldn’t see her do it.
“I did as I was told and climbed out of the car. When I’d locked it up he told me to give him the keys. I … I tried to look at him but he had a mask on.”
Both Joel and Ryan looked up sharply. This was something they hadn’t released to the press. Each rape so far, and there had been three of them that they knew about, had been carried out by a man wearing a mask.
Again Ryan made a noise before her hand covered Annie’s and she began to speak.
“Can you describe the mask? What type it was, colours, how it was fastened? Anything you can remember.”
“Oh, ok. Let me think for a moment.” Annie’s voice had taken on a singsong, almost automaton tone, which Ryan recognised as an attempt to distance the voice and the memories from the rest of her existence. So far it seemed to be working and Mrs Walden was coping well.
“It was …” She paused, and those watching could see she was thinking hard before giving her description. “You know when you see the two masks together for theatre, comedy and tragedy? Well, it was the comedy one of them. There was no colour, just white and it was held round the head by a strap, it seemed to disappear underneath the mask, there was no way to break it and pull the mask off, I thought of that, but I couldn’t do it.
“He pushed me along the track until we came to a little sort of walkway between two high gorse bushes. He wasn’t speaking now, not a word, he just kept shoving me in the back, making sure I went the way he wanted me to.” Again a pause, but Ryan expected it. They were at the main part of the statement, the actual rape, and she wondered whether Annie would want Darren to leave the room.
“We got to a … well, glade, I guess. There weren’t many trees or bushes; it was a flat piece of grassy land. He … he must have been there before, I mean, how would you know about it otherwise? I’ve lived here all my life and I didn’t know it existed.
“He … he made me stand in the middle of this glade place, and told me to strip. Slowly, he said, as if I was dancing for him.” The monotone voice was disconcerting now; Annie was speaking as if she was reciting from an extremely boring text, but she continued, and all those around her felt themselves being sucked into her nightmare.
“Slowly, I said, I want to see each piece come off.”
She had slowed then, her eyes darting around, trying in vain to see if anyone was walking a dog, maybe lying somewhere with a boyfriend or girlfriend, who would hear her if she screamed.
“If I have to take them off, I’ll use my knife, do you want that?” He was still a way away, ten maybe twelve strides but she knew, in an instant, he could be at her side.
“No, no, I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry what?” She had been puzzled, not understanding what he meant and so she had just stood there, the confusion written all over her face, mingling with the fear and dreaded anticipation.
“I’m sorry, SIR!” The final word had been screamed, but almost as if he had realised midway through not to draw attention to them it had petered out.
“Oh, Sir, I’m sorry, Sir.”
Slowly she had removed her t-shirt, peeling it up off her body, trying to stop the shaking and sweating her fear was causing. She was wearing no bra and had fought her natural reaction to cover herself with her hands, knowing it would only anger him more.
“Very nice, now, the skirt.”
Again she had done as she was told, slowly removing clothes until she stood naked before him, and then, as she thought her heart would stop in terror, he moved closer and closer to her.






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 16:28 on 25 August 2007  Report this post
I really liked the first section. (A bit short of time right now, so I'll have to come back to Annie's section).

Since here you have him describe how he got into the car, I would suggest deleting the line: “I know how he got in. It was me … I did it.” Annie struggled... from the previous section.

The layout is currently a little disjointed with the staff meeting placed between the two scenes with the police officers.
You might consider adding the scene from the school staff meeting to the beginning of this one, and shortening the meeting which was a bit overlong.

I hesitate to suggest changing the staff meeting so it is told from the rapist's pov, but I would be tempted to do that if the new Head is to be one of his next victims - but not if she is to be his nemesis.


- NaomiM


NMott at 12:49 on 26 August 2007  Report this post
Hi, Finally got back to Annie :)

I liked Annie's section. My only concern is the switch in pov at the part in italics, which is a little intrusive. I think it's because it's in Annie's pov, where I would have expected it in the rapist's pov. Maybe part of a later chapter when he's reliving the scene in his mind.
I would suggest keeping it as a simple interview between Annie and the officers, add her husband's reaction to his wife's ordeal - maybe some sort of unhelpful outburt eg. about 'always locking the doors when your inside the car,' or, 'I told you to wear a bra' (as husbands are wont to do :) ), and end this scene with her revealing the clue about having to say 'sorry Sir'.


- NaomiM


I made a handful of notes as I read through.


“Can I just ask a question?” Ryan had coughed lightly and, once again, put her own hand over Annie’s.

I suggest putting the action before the dialogue, otherwise the chronology seems out of synch:

Ryan coughed lightly and once again put her own hand over Annie’s. “Can I just ask a question?”

Why didn't she see him in the mirror as she drives off? She could have glanced in it and he tells her to move it up or down, but she gets a peek of his mask then.

Again Ryan made a noise before her hand covered Annie’s and she began to speak.
- You haven't mentioned Ryan taking her hand off Annie's hand after she squeezed it tighter a short while ago.

there was no way to break it and pull the mask off, I thought of that, but I couldn’t do it. This sounds a little intrusive, as though the writer is explaining to the reader why their character did not do it. She is hardly likely to make a grab for it if he's holding a knife on her. I would just delete it.

He was still a way away, ten maybe twelve strides
- 'a way away' sounds odd, maybe just have: 'He was ten maybe twelve strides away'



NMott at 13:49 on 26 August 2007  Report this post
Oh, I meant to ask, since we know who the rapist is, is this going to be a cat and mouse type of storyline, aka The Day of The Jackel?

julietoc at 10:07 on 27 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Tracy, i like the fact you have the two viewpoints - however i think the rapist pov needs to be much more detailed - i am trying to get my head around him as a credible 'violent' rapist. I therefore need more of a sense of his paranoia, hatred of women - he needs to sound as if he has a right to do these things. Serial rapist often use what psychologist call 'hostile attribution bias' in other words they blame the victim - she was asking for it, women say no when they mean yes, or, they blame a past event or relationship e.g. parent. The important thing is that he believes in his right to do this.

The second scene with Annie was good, though i agree some asides from her husband may add to the plausibility of this. I didn't hav a problem with the the italics and switch to Annie's POV, but again i wanted more depth. What could she hear, smell, show me her chaotic thoughts - all women are fed with advice from an early age and now the internet, about what to do if attacked - this would lead to some confusing thoughts as often it is contradictory - e.g. look confident don't show him you are scared. Do everything he says don't provoke him. There is also a lot of guilt surrounding rape - not helped by the media - So maybe Annie feels partly repsonsible, should have checked the back seat, shouldn't have worn no bra etc.

hope these ideas are helpful

Tracy at 21:36 on 29 August 2007  Report this post
I really liked the first section. (A bit short of time right now, so I'll have to come back to Annie's section).
Thank you. I do enjoy writing from his POV I have to admit, far more than from the 'nice' people's, if you see what I mean.

Since here you have him describe how he got into the car, I would suggest deleting the line: “I know how he got in. It was me … I did it.” Annie struggled... from the previous section.
Ok, so she won't remember then. Which might be better for her peace of mind!

The layout is currently a little disjointed with the staff meeting placed between the two scenes with the police officers.
You might consider adding the scene from the school staff meeting to the beginning of this one, and shortening the meeting which was a bit overlong.
To be honest I'm thinking of dropping the school side of things altogether. Ryan and Joel will be drawn to the place by clues anyway and as it is very long and wordy at the moment that seems the best part to get rid of, to me anyway.

I hesitate to suggest changing the staff meeting so it is told from the rapist's pov, but I would be tempted to do that if the new Head is to be one of his next victims - but not if she is to be his nemesis.
She's not either of those things. She's just sort of there! He doesn't like her, but then he doesn't like most women. I think the idea of having the staff meeting from his POV is great. He would see it in a totally different light than Maria!

Thank you, Naomi, I know there is more, but I shall reply to that in a minute or two.

Take care
Tracy





Tracy at 21:55 on 29 August 2007  Report this post
Hi, Finally got back to Annie :)

I liked Annie's section. My only concern is the switch in pov at the part in italics, which is a little intrusive. I think it's because it's in Annie's pov, where I would have expected it in the rapist's pov. Maybe part of a later chapter when he's reliving the scene in his mind.
I felt that details of the crime were needed, and to me it seemed natural to tell it from Annie's POV. I guess I could finish the scene here.
“He … he made me stand in the middle of this glade place, and told me to strip. Slowly, he said, as if I was dancing for him.” The monotone voice was disconcerting now; Annie was speaking as if she was reciting from an extremely boring text, but she continued, and all those around her felt themselves being sucked into her nightmare.
Then would it be too much to have the rapist thinking about the crime to end the chapter? Somehow to interview Annie but not give details seems a bit of a cop out.

I would suggest keeping it as a simple interview between Annie and the officers, add her husband's reaction to his wife's ordeal - maybe some sort of unhelpful outburt eg. about 'always locking the doors when your inside the car,' or, 'I told you to wear a bra' (as husbands are wont to do :) ), and end this scene with her revealing the clue about having to say 'sorry Sir'.
Ok, note to self, continue reading before answering!!! I like the idea of the husband's reaction and I could do that from Joel's POV couldn't I? Maybe he would sympathize with him, even though he isn't married himself.


I made a handful of notes as I read through.
Ok, thank you.

“Can I just ask a question?” Ryan had coughed lightly and, once again, put her own hand over Annie’s.

I suggest putting the action before the dialogue, otherwise the chronology seems out of synch:

Ryan coughed lightly and once again put her own hand over Annie’s. “Can I just ask a question?”
Yes, that's much better, thank you.

Why didn't she see him in the mirror as she drives off? She could have glanced in it and he tells her to move it up or down, but she gets a peek of his mask then.
Because, as a non-driver that never occured to me! I can add that.

Again Ryan made a noise before her hand covered Annie’s and she began to speak.
- You haven't mentioned Ryan taking her hand off Annie's hand after she squeezed it tighter a short while ago.
Does the excuse 'I knew so you should too' work? No? I'll add it.

there was no way to break it and pull the mask off, I thought of that, but I couldn’t do it. This sounds a little intrusive, as though the writer is explaining to the reader why their character did not do it. She is hardly likely to make a grab for it if he's holding a knife on her. I would just delete it.
No problem. Thanks.

He was still a way away, ten maybe twelve strides
- 'a way away' sounds odd, maybe just have: 'He was ten maybe twelve strides away'
I would say that, do say it in fact, but if it sounds clumsy I can change it.

Oh, I meant to ask, since we know who the rapist is, is this going to be a cat and mouse type of storyline, aka The Day of The Jackel?
I don't think so. I've never read The Day of The Jackel, but Ryan and Joel and the rapist travel two very separate paths until by a process of elimination it has to be him. Hope it works, if not I could be shredding paper for weeks!

I really do appreciate the time you take over my work. Thank you.
Take care
Tracy



Tracy at 22:05 on 29 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Julie,
Thank you for this, sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you and Naomi.

i like the fact you have the two viewpoints - however i think the rapist pov needs to be much more detailed - i am trying to get my head around him as a credible 'violent' rapist. I therefore need more of a sense of his paranoia, hatred of women - he needs to sound as if he has a right to do these things.
Thank you. Ok. Do I need all this right from the get go? I do go into how his father has made him the delightful man he is, how his past has defined his future etc., but all of this comes out slowly. At the moment there are 32 chapters! There won't be by the time I'm done btw.

Serial rapist often use what psychologist call 'hostile attribution bias' in other words they blame the victim - she was asking for it, women say no when they mean yes, or, they blame a past event or relationship e.g. parent. The important thing is that he believes in his right to do this.
Which he does, he just hasn't said it yet. I'm finding it difficult to know how to put these things in. Most of the suggestions I have been given appear somewhere in my draft, just not right at the beginning. How do I work it so everything is in the correct place?

The second scene with Annie was good, though i agree some asides from her husband may add to the plausibility of this. I didn't hav a problem with the the italics and switch to Annie's POV, but again i wanted more depth.What could she hear, smell, show me her chaotic thoughts
So for you there wasn't enough detail in what Annie was telling Ryan and Joel then? I understand about the smells, the sounds, and again, I do have them with a later victim, but not with Annie. The chaotic thoughts though, would they be current thoughts or when she was attacked? I'm not sure she would really remember anything much more than abject terror from that time.

- all women are fed with advice from an early age and now the internet, about what to do if attacked - this would lead to some confusing thoughts as often it is contradictory - e.g. look confident don't show him you are scared. Do everything he says don't provoke him.There is also a lot of guilt surrounding rape - not helped by the media - So maybe Annie feels partly repsonsible, should have checked the back seat, shouldn't have worn no bra etc.
So, I could do this with the benefit of hindsight, that would increase her guilt, her anger at herself and maybe at the stupidity of some of the things the papers say.

hope these ideas are helpful
Oh yes, very, thank you. I just need to find some time to work on this chapter fully and see what it looks like when all the alterations are made.

Thank you.
Take care
Tracy


NMott at 23:14 on 30 August 2007  Report this post
all women are fed with advice from an early age and now the internet, about what to do if attacked

Reminds me of a true story about a kung fu black belt - when confronted by an attacker she hit him over the head with her handbag :)
I think your idea about hindsight is a good one Tracy. There is so much you can beat yourself up about if you fall victim to any sort of crime.


Serial rapist often use what psychologist call 'hostile attribution bias'....

Which he does, he just hasn't said it yet. I'm finding it difficult to know how to put these things in.


I think Julie and I are on the same page here, although I don't think you have to make it overtly hostle; rapists should be shown to be complex personalities and not just the 'bad guy', some have wives and kids and may even be a good dad, a good husband. I love the scene with the watch, he comes across as human. More of that please when you have the rapist reliving Annie's and other victims ordeals in his mind, and relishing every moment.


a cat and mouse type of storyline...

I don't think so... but Ryan and Joel and the rapist travel two very separate paths until by a process of elimination it has to be him.


That's OK (no paper shredding necessary :) ). It's not a who-dunnit, it's a why-dunnit - what turns a person into a rapist. I assume the boy in the earlier scene with the abusive father grows up to be the rapist? Very nicely written. Developed through the course of the book you can contrast the 'lost boy', which we can all empathise with and want to mother/rescue, with the 'adult rapist' whom we hate and fear, but ultimately come to understand. The tension/suspense comes in how much he gets away with before he's caught - maybe he slips through their fingers once or twice before the finale.


- NaomiM

hailstorm at 17:05 on 11 October 2007  Report this post
Well sorry I've been absent since the first part of your chapter. Just re-read that and all the other bits in one go.

I think my comments on the first part apply across your work, with things like Show not Tell etc and adverbs. i.e


the two officers made their way into an extremely tiny hall.


Delete extremely, tiny conveys enough on its own.

Again I liked it and wanted to keep reading.

Specifics:

I would reduce the amount of description on what the characters look like, clothes etc.

Joel was thirty-three years old, he had two brothers ... also expensive, Joel liked to look good.


I would cut this, it breaks up the tension of the scene and feels like you have hit pause whilst you do a quick background fill in for us. In fact there were a few times that I felt you intruding into the story to give us back story. I prefer to build up an idea of a character as I see what he/she does.

The shadows, which were being cast across the wooden parquet floor of the school - considerably.


I would hack off loads of words here i.e The shadows cast across the parguet floor did nothing to ...


the tall, tanned and muscular young man shook his head before replying


Three descriptive words in a row seemed a bit over done.


I was twenty-six years old


Should be twenty-six-years old.

I liked the fact that you don't name the boy at the start and the rapist, I read in your comments that they are the same person. I suspected that, but well done for leaving the reader to start making the connections. I can't commend you high enough for this, all to often authors feel they have to spell everything out for the "dumb" reader.

Have you considered breaking the differrent POV into differrent shorter chapters, a bit like Mark Haddon's A spot of Bother? O and on POV I would watch switching POV within paragraphs/the same page,it dilutes your characters.

So great stuff, I know that I have gone on a bit, but that is only a reflection of seeing the potential you have to fashion a great book.

When can we have more?


Tracy at 20:05 on 17 October 2007  Report this post
Hi Mike,
Thank you for this and apologies for taking so long to reply.

Well sorry I've been absent since the first part of your chapter. Just re-read that and all the other bits in one go.
Good grief, thank you. Should I send the medal in the post???

I think my comments on the first part apply across your work, with things like Show not Tell etc and adverbs. i.e


the two officers made their way into an extremely tiny hall.


Delete extremely, tiny conveys enough on its own.
Yes I agree. My 'why use one word when fifteen will do' problem!

Again I liked it and wanted to keep reading.
Wonderful, thank you.

Specifics:

I would reduce the amount of description on what the characters look like, clothes etc.

Joel was thirty-three years old, he had two brothers ... also expensive, Joel liked to look good.

I would cut this, it breaks up the tension of the scene and feels like you have hit pause whilst you do a quick background fill in for us. In fact there were a few times that I felt you intruding into the story to give us back story. I prefer to build up an idea of a character as I see what he/she does.
Ok, I can understand that. Now I have a complete story I can cut things which, when they were written needed to be there for me. Joel, for example, is described all the way through by his words and deeds.

The shadows, which were being cast across the wooden parquet floor of the school - considerably.

I would hack off loads of words here i.e The shadows cast across the parguet floor did nothing to ...
There is a pretty good chance that the entire school part of the story will be cut. It was a crutch, something I knew about that gradually fizzled out as the story progressed.

the tall, tanned and muscular young man shook his head before replying

Three descriptive words in a row seemed a bit over done.
This is the teaching support coming out in me. The power of three it's called, at least in our school, and three is, apparently good.

I was twenty-six years old

Should be twenty-six-years old.
Ouch, should have spotted this one, thank you.

I liked the fact that you don't name the boy at the start and the rapist, I read in your comments that they are the same person. I suspected that, but well done for leaving the reader to start making the connections. I can't commend you high enough for this, all to often authors feel they have to spell everything out for the "dumb" reader.
Thank you again. He wasn't the rapist to start with but, although he had a strong connection to the actual guy and was there for a reason it seemed to me to be one too many links, characters etc., and so I changed boats midstream, if you see what I mean. Once the story is considerably shortened he will hopefully have his role more strongly defined.

Have you considered breaking the differrent POV into differrent shorter chapters, a bit like Mark Haddon's A spot of Bother? O and on POV I would watch switching POV within paragraphs/the same page,it dilutes your characters.
I hadn't considered it but it has been mentioned alot on here. I am now much more careful with POV and know I have learnt a lot about it. The plan now is to have the police side of things told from Joel's POV and then the rest through the eyes of the main character in each scene.

So great stuff, I know that I have gone on a bit, but that is only a reflection of seeing the potential you have to fashion a great book.
Wow, thank you. :):) I have moved away from it a little because the rewrite is such a big undertaking and one I've never attempted before. That said, it's half term next week and I plan to work on it some then.

When can we have more?
Hopefully after half term. I shall rework chapter one completely to put on here and get comments on how I've done. That way I can continue with the rest of the story with, hopefully, more confidence.

Thank you again for your comments, as always they were helpful and to the point.
Take care
Tracy



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