TWENTY-TWO
Kevin was waiting at the park entrance. I felt scared. He was wearing a puffer jacket I hadn’t seen him in before. He broke into a massive grin when he saw me and I couldn’t help doing the same. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the park amongst a load of bare grey-brown trees. My giggles came out as steam.
‘I fucking missed you,’ he said and pushed his lips onto mine.
‘Mmmmph,’ I said, which meant ‘me too’. It was true. I’d missed him so much, despite all the worry of the last few weeks — since bloody Kelly had come round. I sank into the padding of his jacket. I wished I could stay there in all that padding forever. It almost made everything OK.
‘Mum probably thought we’d go off each other while I was grounded,’ I said.
‘How could I go off you?’ he said, kissing me again.
‘Where we going to go?’ I said. ‘I can’t stay round here. Someone Mum knows might see me. And I need to get this uniform off.’
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Let’s go and get a cooked breakfast or something. Matty gave me some money.’
‘How did Matty get money?’
‘He’s shotting green and coke and that.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Selling a bit of weed and that. Sometimes harder stuff.’
‘Oh.’
We went into The Broadway Café. It was empty apart from an oldish lady sitting in the corner reading The Sun and smoking a Rothmans. I was glad. The tables had tea stains and full ashtrays on them. We sat on the cleanest table. There was a mug there, though, half full of cold coffee with skin floating on the top. I moved it away.
I went to the loos out the back to change out of my school uniform. I was meant to have a play rehearsal tonight. We usually wore tracksuit bottoms at rehearsals as there was dancing. That meant I could wear tracksuit bottoms all day and Mum wouldn’t think anything when I got home.
Kevin had a full English with yucky black pudding and everything. I picked at a couple of slices of half burnt toast. I hadn’t felt much like eating lately. Mum had been moaning at me about it. We ordered more tea and Kevin smoked lots of fags. I thought about having one too because there wasn’t much else to do, but I decided I’d better not. Just in case.
I looked round at the oldish woman. She wasn’t paying any attention to us. I took a breath and opened my mouth.
‘Kevin...’
‘Yeah?’
I couldn’t say it.
‘What?’ he asked.
‘It’s one and a half weeks until the Christmas holidays,’ I said instead. It sounded false, but he didn’t seem to notice.
‘What have you got me for Christmas then?’ he asked.
‘What have you got me?’
‘I knew you were going to say that,’ he grinned. ‘It’s a surprise.’
‘Shut up. You haven’t really got me anything.’
‘Might have.’
I put my empty plate on top of his and pushed them towards the edge of the table. No. I wouldn’t say anything yet. There might be nothing to worry about. No news was good news, that’s what Granddad Healy used to say all the time, especially when he was waiting for his test results for cancer. It was OK. Things were fine. Normal.
‘So are you coming to see me in the school play next week?’ I asked.
‘Course. And bringing all me mates. And when you come onstage we’re going to go ...’ He put his fingers in his mouth and did a loud wolf whistle.
‘Kevin!’ I kicked him under the table. I looked at the old woman. She didn’t seem bothered.
‘You a good actress then?’ he asked.
‘Ms Fortune says so. She says if I audition next year I should get a main part.’
‘So we might see your name in lights,’ he said. ‘See, told you you’re going to do well in life. Then you can buy me a Ferrari.’
‘Bollocks.’
‘I’m going to Ireland for Christmas,’ he said.
‘You’ve never mentioned that before.’
‘We always go. Stay with my auntie out there. Her cooking is the bollocks. Drink Guinness and sherry. Have competitions to see who can chuck the most peanuts into Dad’s mouth when he’s passed out on the sofa. Sing along to all the Christmas songs.’
He started to sing at the top of his voice:
‘Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away ...’
I kicked him again, trying not to laugh.
We spent the afternoon wondering round St John’s, which was a little Shopping Centre at the end of Stanhill Broadway. We went in Dixons, Boots, Next, JD Sports and Clare’s. Kevin stole me some earrings from Clare’s. I didn’t know he’d done it until we’d left the centre. They were silver — but not real silver — with stars hanging down.
As it started to get dark we headed towards The Wellie. It wasn’t too busy, but Dave was in there playing pool with an older bloke. A song called Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin was playing in the background. Granddad Healy used to play it. I almost started to hum along. Kevin put a quid down on the table so he could play next. He gave me a fiver to go to the bar. The Australian barman smiled. He was wearing shorts, even though it was winter.
‘Hey, how you doing today?’
‘Fine, thanks.’ I suddenly remembered Karen saying I’d been carried out of here last time. I felt my face get hot. The barman didn’t seem like he was taking the piss, though. I wasn’t sure whether I should drink alcohol — but as I’d decided things were going to be normal, I ordered myself a large glass of wine. Dave came over while I was waiting for the drinks.
‘Here, Tash,’ he said, holding out his phone. ‘Karen wants a word.’
I took the phone.
‘Hiya, babe. I’ve been worried about you. Did your mum go mental? Kev said you were grounded.’
‘Yeah, I am,’ I replied. ‘’Til the Christmas holidays.’
‘Oh God. I bet your mum called me all the names under the sun, didn’t she? Well, listen. I’m going to see if can drop the kids at my mum’s, then I’m coming down to see you.’
Karen burst the door open. A few people looked up. Her ponytail swung and her earrings shone. She managed to change the mood of the whole place, the way Kevin sometimes did in lessons. She swept me up into a hug.
‘I was worried about you! I hope you’ve been looking after her, Kevin, you little shit.’ She jabbed Kevin’s shoulder as he bent over the pool table, about to take a shot.
‘Oi, watch it, Kazza.’
Karen chatted away about her kids and then about some other woman trying it on with Dave. I had my second glass of wine and then Kevin got me to try a drink called Snakebite, which had blackcurrant and cider and beer in it. It was nice, so I had another. I started to tell Karen about my row with Kelly — until I realised how the story ended. I stopped talking in the middle of a sentence. It was like I’d just woken up. The fear I’d been trying to bury away all day suddenly forced its way up, out into the smoky room. You stupid, stupid cow, I thought.
‘I-I can’t tell you any more,’ I said.
‘Tash, What’s up?’
‘I can’t.’ I felt my chin start to wobble. I hated it when that happened. You just had no control over it at all. I shook my head and put my finger and thumb in the inside corner of each eye to stop tears coming out. I glanced up. Kevin had his back to me, still playing pool. Matty was here now in a big leather jacket. Like Kevin, he’d had his head shaved. He looked thinner. He was in the corner, chatting on his mobile. He caught my eye. Murderer, I thought. I jerked my head down to avoid his gaze.
Karen grabbed hold of me and pulled me, across the pub towards the ladies’. I spotted Marlon in the corner, huddled up with April, the girl who had started on me in here that first night. He was whispering into her ear and kissing her neck. He nodded at me as if nothing was wrong. Karen led me into the same cubicle we’d come in before — also on that first night — the one with the hole in the window where a fan had been. She put the toilet seat down. There were fag burns on it. I sat.
‘You can trust me, Tash. I promise.’
I was properly sobbing now, gasping for air, tears dropping off my chin and down my top. Karen rubbed my back and stroked my hair behind my ears.
‘I slept with Kevin,’ I managed. ‘Kelly told me I was stupid ‘cos we didn’t use anything. She said I’d probably have AIDS or get pregnant.’
Karen opened her mouth and closed it again. She frowned.
‘And I haven’t had a period,’ I wailed, ‘for two months.’ I slouched right over onto my lap, wrapping my head in my arms.
That was it. It was out. It was real.
‘Fucking hell,’ she said. ‘I fucking knew it. I knew it.’ She tipped her head back and exhaled. ‘Right, now listen to me. You’re going to have to bunk school again tomorrow. You’re going to come to my house. We’ll go to Boots and I’ll buy a pregnancy test and we’ll do it back at mine. Then we’ll sort out what to do next. I’m with you all the way, babe. OK?’
I looked up.
‘What time is it?’
Karen looked at her watch.
‘Half-seven.’
‘Fuck,’ I said. ‘I’ve got to go home. I stood up, grabbed a load of tissue and opened the cubicle door. I wiped my face in the mirror. It was cheap, rough tissue. Someone had scribbled ‘Laura is a slag’ on the mirror in brown eyeliner. Karen gave me some chewing gum to hide the smell of drink and fags. She put powder on my face to hide the redness. I brushed my hair with my pink mini brush.
‘I look a mess,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry. By the time you’ve walked home in the cold you’ll look as fresh as when you woke up this morning. Now you going to come round mine tomorrow?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. If you get there about nine I’ll be back from taking my little brats to school. You remember my house, don’t you? The one on the corner. It’ll be fine, Tash.’
‘Thanks, Karen.’
‘Now, deep breath.’
We walked out into the pub. Kevin, Matty and Marlon were sitting where we had been. Kevin’s face dropped when he saw me.
‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing. I’m going home,’ I said. I reached past him for my bomber jacket.
‘What’s been going on?’ He was looking at Karen now.
‘Kevin, you know better than to ask what us girlies chat about in the loos. You know what it’s like when the drink gets us all emotional. Tash has got to be home now or her poor mum will have a fit. How about you walk her, Kev?’
‘I don’t want him to walk me,’ I sniffed.
Kevin was zipping up his puffer.
‘Well I am, whether you like it or not.’
‘Don’t bother, man.’ Matty kissed his teeth.
‘You two can both fuck off as well,’ I said to him and Marlon. A few months ago, I’d have never said anything like that to people like them.
Freezing wind hit my face as I left the pub. I didn’t hold the door open for Kevin. I walked quickly down Stanhill High Street. It was quiet apart from a can being blown about, and dull apart from the lit up signs of kebab and pizza takeaways. Kevin hurried after me.
‘Tash, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. Like Karen said, we were just talking about silly stuff.’
‘So why you being funny to me?’
‘’Cos I’m in a funny mood.’
‘Well, stop it!’
I sighed. ‘Alright. Sorry.’ I slowed down a bit. He put his arm round me. Then he tried to put his other arm up my jacket and tickle me.
‘Stop it!’ I giggled. Then I pulled my elbow back and swung it into his ribs.
‘Awwww! You have to kiss me to say sorry for that.’
‘No, I don’t.’
He stood in front of me, blocking my way. I tried to walk round him, but he had hold of me and again I was lost in all the padding of his jacket. I had no chance, anyway, seeing as he was the strongest in year ten. He kissed me with a cold beer mouth.
‘Come on, I’ve got to get home,’ I said.
We got to the bottom of the High Street near the library. There was a new shop that had just opened. It had been a bakery before. The new sign said Ken’s Barbers. It was still open. There were five or six black men in there. One was having his hair cut, the others looked like they were just sitting around chatting.
Kevin clicked his tongue when we passed.
‘Shit, man, another shop for spades. They’re taking over.’
I stopped and turned on him.
‘Do you know what, Kevin? You are so fucking racist and it makes me sick.’
‘I’m not racist. I’ve got loads of black mates.’
‘Well that just makes you two-faced. As if you weren’t enough already. And what about calling Hyun ‘Tiddly’? And that night you called that cabdriver a paki?
‘Alright, I admit, I don’t like pakis.’
‘But you love Indian takeaways and you listen to all black music. You’re pathetic.’
We reached the crossing. The green man was flashing. I ran across the road. Kevin didn’t make it before the lights changed and a row of cars pulled off in front of him. I heard him shout faintly under the sound of their engines and the wind.
He caught up, just as I got near the end of my road.
‘Tash!’
‘You’d better shut up now,’ I hissed. ‘If my mum hears anything ...’
He pulled me. ‘Please tell me what’s wrong,’ he hissed.
His face looked desperate. I carried on walking.
‘You’d better stop here,’ I said.
‘Don’t leave it like this, Tash. Alright, I’m sorry for saying that shit. Now what else have I done? Why were you upset?’
I glared.
‘I might be pregnant,’ I said. ‘And don’t come after me ’cos my mum will batter you. And don’t tell no one.’
I ran towards my house.