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Soul Searching 2
Posted: 14 August 2007
Word Count: 67
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And so,
as he lay in his bed,
mind misting over and
he kept turning over
and body shaking,
muscles firing and
sweat perspiring.
At 3am
the bed sheets are still clinging,
stomache crunching thoughts
are still ringing. So loud,
and his eyes are red round.
It always starts and ends the same.
And he never wants to forget
how he feels right now.
He wakes, refreshed.
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 Shika at 20:33 on 14 August 2007
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Hi, I have not commented on work for a while and I am glad this was my first. I liked the rhythm to this and the story telling that had your MC go from pain to renewal almost. I picked up a typo on stomach but apart from that I thought it was very evocative. S
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 James Graham at 15:13 on 18 August 2007
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Like Shika I like the way this moves quickly from pain to renewal. What he tells himself - 'It always starts and ends the same' isn't very comforting in itself, but it's more convincing than anything too cosy would be. It's the voice of experience, saying that when we begin to see a pattern in misfortune there's some solace in that. Then having had that thought, after a couple of hours sleep he 'wakes, refreshed' - hardly jumping for joy, but a little stronger. Yes, I do find this convincing.
Nuts and bolts - 'sweat perspiring' says the same thing twice. The trouble is, correcting a little thing like that can mean reshuffling several lines. I would suggest
mind misting over,
body perspiring |
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- there's a watery link between 'misting' and 'perspiring' - then just try to fit in the other lines about turning over, shaking, muscles firing.
One more point - stomach-crunching? The stomach is a soft, fluid thing. 'Stomach-churning' is a cliche; can you find a more original way of expressing the sort of painful but soft things that happen to the stomach at times like these?
James.
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Tina at 08:47 on 20 August 2007
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HI
I liked the energy and movement in this poem - it takes the reader into the mind of the character and effectively sucks you to that place where health is not a guarenteed thing.
And so,
as he lay in his bed,
mind misting over and
he kept turning over
and body shaking,
muscles firing and
sweat perspiring.
I am not sure you need all the, 'ands' in this?? But the second half of the poem is very effective. I am glad you chose this ending!
Thanks
Tina
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