Tim: It was my first day on the aquila argentums, I couldn’t believe it, me, Timothy Ferior, fresh out of the academy and already serving on the human imperium’s second best ship in the fleet, sure life on the famous gold hawk the *best* ship in the fleet would have been more exciting and sure Sarah only beat my score by 2 marks she got given by flirting with the examiner but I’m sure I’ll be happy here. Yeah things are gonna be just great.

Captain Howard: Right you must be the new boy, come on, come on get inside, we’re taking off the moment you’re through the airlock.

Tim: You must be Captain Howard Chipon, I must say it’s a pleasure to be working for you.

Howard: Is it? Is it as much of a pleasure as it would be to be working for that bastard Captain Andrew over there on the supposed “official best ship.”

Tim: Why would I worry about other ships when the one I’m working for is so great sir!

Howard: Kid I like you! Come and meet the rest of the crew.
This is Telluhla our Navigator.

Tel: Nice to meet you.

Tim: Ummmm nice to meet you.

Tel: Captain he’s staring at me, they always stare at me.

Howard: Never seen a contortivor before eh?

Tim: No, I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude.

Howard: There aren’t many contortivors left, a species capable of stretching their their bodies into any position imaginable, it’s a great advantage and makes them excellent navigators.

Tim: How?

Howard: Don’t worry you’ll see soon enough, but the sad thing is that the species is dying out, ever since the males realized a particular position they have shown very little interest in breeding.

Tim: I see.


Howard: This is our medical officer.

Lucy: Hi boys.

*saxophone playing*

Howard: She plays the saxophone

Lucy: I’ll be giving you your physical later on, and if your lucky a little extra.

Tel: Just ignore her, she’s like that with everyone…even me.

Howard: Anyhow, this is Spurge the science officer.
: *robotic voice* Greetings new human, I hope you enjoy working with us.

Tim: He’s a robot?

Howard: Oh god here we go again.

*buzzing*

Howard: Yes I know it gets annoying.

*buzzing*

Howard: You gotta understand people probably haven’t seen your species before and...

*buzzing*

Howard: Don’t you interrupt me.

*buzzing*

Howard: You’ve got to let it go, go easy on the lad.

Tim: You understand that buzzing?

Howard: Oh yes, that’s how he communicates, see that little green blob in the middle of the robotic shell, that’s Spurge, his species can interface directly with technology, but for communication he forges a telepathic link with those people he works closely with so you’ll understand it too soon enough, but to those without the link it just sounds like buzzing. He can of course communicate using whatever technology he’s interfacing with because it usually has a voice attachment but they view that as vulgar, you should be honoured he even chose to say hello to you using it.

*buzzing*

Howard: Well I hardly think that’s fair, the poor kid didn’t know what you were.

*buzzing*

Howard: Oh yeah, well the same to you, except yours was twice as fat and frequently mistaken for a green lake. Don’t mind him, he’s just in a mood because he was beaten at chess by an explosive…AGAIN!

Tim: Beaten by an explosive.

Howard: Yes, let me introduce you to the final member of our team here. *bang on metal*

Baz: A NEW MEMBER. SWEET, MAYBE HE’LL BE UP FOR SOME ACTION!!!! BRING SOME BALLS TO THIS CREW YEAHH!!!! WHAT’S YOUR NAME KIDDO.

Tim: Hi, Ummmm I’m Tim. nice to meet you.

Baz: Ahh crap you’re a wuss

Howard: Baz here is an example of the most advanced smart bomb ever created by the human imperium, he’s become so advanced he’s actually gained self awareness and so the council has grated him basic sentient rights, we’re not legally allowed to actually fire him at anything so we keep him on as our combat tactical advisor.

Tim: I see, well your crew sure is interesting, I dare say I wouldn’t have met nearly as interesting people if I’d managed to get onto the Gold Hawk.

*buzzing*

Lucy: I’m with you, let’s get out of here before the captain loses it.

Howard: What did you just say?

Tim: I said you were all really interesting people.

Howard: Yes, you also said if I’d MANAGED to get onto the Gold Hawk, what am I? Good ol’ second place Howard? The nice little safety net for those people not good enough to get onto that smug git brother of mine’s supposed “best ship in the fleet”?

Tim: I just…

Howard: Don’t interrupt me, you’d better change your attitude or I’ll make your life aboard this ship hell.

Tim: Sorry, I spoke out of line, it is my first day though, try to cut me some slack here.

Howard: Oh your *first* day, oh I hadn’t realized, of course we should make special arrangements for you just because it’s your first day, I mean if it were your second day no-one would bloody care because second is obviously pathetic compared to first, never mind the fact that it was your second day who was responsible for negotiating the peace treaty on Norbalis 5 or that the second day shot down over 200 enemy ships at the battle of the Cristanis cluster, no lets give all the attention and shower all the bloody glory on your first day, because no-one gives two Spongledogs about the Second, now WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF.

*Tim inner voice* I got the feeling the captain had a slight chip on his shoulder about his brother getting all the glory for commanding the best ship whilst the captain was largely ignored despite only being slightly less successful, I had no idea how to respond to his rant but as chance would have it I didn’t need to*

Howard: Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Tim: Sir I think there’s an asteroid field dead ahead, we should plot a course to go around it, I’ll notify the Bushions that we will be arriving 4 hours later than originally estimated.

Howard: Tellulah, get onto the navistage we’re going to need some sweet moves from you to make it though that field alive.

Tel: I’m on it sir.

Howard: You see *this* is why contortivons are so good at navigating, the ship is made up of polymorphic malleable reactosteel and responds directly to her movements bending itself into any shape she takes, we effectively dance our way through the field, not only do we hold the record for the fastest navigation of a stunt course but we were awarded 9 out of 10 style points by the judges.

*buzzing*

Tel: What do you mean “if only this were TV we could do a brilliant visual joke here” That doesn’t make any sense, I think the radiation from these asteroids is messing with your telepathic field and making you say gibberish.

Tim: So, You’re going through that thing?

Howard: What you don’t think we’re capable? Second best ship in the fleet, oh that’s nothing that just makes us worthless, might as well run away from the scary asteroids like a little girl, help help, where is the golden hawk to come and save us.

Tim: Well no, I was just thinking that it’s so amazing you can actually navigate through here, I mean I doubt the golden hawk could do something like that.

Howard: Oh and anything they can’t do is obviously impossible is that it?

Tim: No, I’m just saying that clearly whoever came up with this supposed ranking of ships obviously didn’t look closely enough at your navigation skills.

Tel: We’re through the field sir, putting us back on course.

Howard: Well I suppose that is true, no-one navigates quite like us. Tell me kid, were you excited to come onto this ship when you found out you were coming here?

Tim: Oh yes, It was such an honour to be serving with you sir, I mean my lifetime rival got onto the golden hawk and she’s basically just on the same kind of ship but with a smugger more arrogant captain, no, I wouldn’t leave this ship even if you doubled my salary.

Baz: Of course they do double your salary for working on the official best ship.

Howard: You know the wrong explosive can be loaded so easily in the heat of battle, I’d watch your speaker if I were you.

Baz: Sorry sir.

Howard: Well I suppose we’ll get along just fine here Tim, we don’t need official titles to know we’re the best ship around.

*buzzing sound*

Howard: An incoming transmission you say, well patch it through then.

Andrew Chipon: This is golden hawk calling the aquilla argentums how’s it going little brother.

Howard: I’m 3 years older than you.

Andrew: Yeah, but I was going by status and respect. Only kidding little bro, I see you made it through the asteroid field in under 33 seconds, not bad, of course we managed it in 31, but then again our navigation skills was one of our highest scoring areas in the interstellar ship rankings.

Tim: Ah crap.

Andrew: Hey is that your new ensign hiding in the background there, I think your old friend from that academy would like to say hello.

Sarah Smuggit: Hey Ensign Ferior.

Tim: Hello Sarah.

Sarah: That’s Ensign Smuggit while were on duty, and technically you should always greet me whilst smiling more broadly than I smile to you, as specified by interstellar etiquette code 35926 about addressing officers of a similar rank on a higher ranked ship.

Tim: Ahhh yes, your mastery of etiquette codes, as I recall that’s what got you those two marks that meant you scored higher than me in our finals……..hmmmm beat me by two marks, that’s one point per breast isn’t it?

Sarah: And what’s that supposed to mean?

Tim: Oh nothing, you know it’s just that in our final simulation exercise you misfired the ships lazors causing a malfunction leaving us defenceless and despite the fact that I managed to rescue the situation by single-handedly repairing the damage whilst evading enemy fire, you STILL scored higher than me.

Sarah: Yes, because as our examiner pointed out you failed to observe etiquette rule number 29968 and went through a door before me, it was only fair that because of that he deduct half your marks for that exercise and give them to me.

Tim: Yes he made that decision the day after our exam as I recall.

Sarah: I think so yes.

Tim: And our examiner is a very old, very lonely man.

Sarah: I don’t like what you’re implying, you’re just jealous because I’m better than you. I have so many skills and you’re just lacking.

Tim: Well I guess I’m just not as attractive to sleezy men as you..

Hoawrd: Tim, I hope you’re not bitter about getting on my ship instead of theirs?

Sarah: Oh, Ensign Ferior over there cried for weeks when he found out he was only on your ship.

Hoawrd: Did he now?

Andrew: Anyhow, I’d love to stay and chat and learn more about how much more popular I am that good ol’ Howie over there with the new recruits, but we’ve just received orders to sort out a disturbance on Matrianis 4 it shouldn’t take long but it means that we’ll be arriving with the Bushions about 5 hours after you, despite being the faster ship, so you guys do all the groundwork there and we’ll be along shortly after to actually sort out all the stuff you’ve screwed up. Captain Andrew Chipon out.

Howard: Damn I hate him, anyhow Tim, so you cried for weeks when you found out you were working with me instead of my brother? We can’t have people with attitudes like that working on my ship. Well what shall we do with the boy, Spurge I’m trusting you whatever you suggest I promise that’s what I’ll do.

*Buzzing*

Howard: What you think I should annihilate him? Well it’s a little harsh but I did promise and we can probably make it look like an accident.

Tim: What?

Lucy: Howard, you know full well that isn’t what he said.

Howard: Relax I’m just trying to scare the kid, look this isn’t even a real lazor gun it’s just a water pistol see?

Lucy: Urgh my shirts all wet now , I’m writing that down for reference when you next need a physical, *writing down voice* Howard has been a very naughty boy, bring whip, exclamation mark.

Howard: oh come on, I’ve still got the scars from last time.

Tim: Well ok, maybe back then I admit I was a little disappointed to find out I was on this ship rather than theirs, but after just a few minutes talking to their captain I can see I’d have hated it there, you have a firm head on your shoulders Howard, Whereas that brother of yours clearly has his head so far up his ass he can chew his own large intestine.

Tel: I actually stuck my head up my own arse as a dare once, and contrary to popular belief it doesn’t really make you feel superior or pompous at all. In fact if anything it has a negative effect on your confidence.

Howard: And thank you for that insightful comment Tellulah.

Tel: Don’t worry Tim, you keep insulting his brother and you’ll get on with the captain just fine. He’s generally nice to his crew, unlike his brother.

Howard: Yeah I was just joking with you Tim, I’m nothing like my brother, nothing like him at all, now lets get on with the mission, I want everything sorted by the time He gets there so all he gets to do is look at our success.

*Tim Inner voice* - Let me explain, our first mission was to go and sort a dispute in Middalist 2, a planet under the control of the human imperium but they like to keep to themselves, they pay their taxes and we pretty much stay out of things, we just come in to settle disputes. The planet was unique in that two separate species had simultaneously evolved and developed at pretty much the same rate, the Iraquons and the Bushions, a tenuous peace exists between the two races, but recently there have been troubles.

You see Middalist 2 has a very strange ecosystem, the only plantlife they have is moss, and without it the planet would flood with CO2 causing the extinction of all life. The Bushions had recently lodged a complaint about secret arms testing by the Iraquons that they are developing Weapons of Moss destruction, capable of destroying all moss on the Bushion side of the planet, effectively wiping out the species, obviously the effects of such a weapon would be devastating for both sides so an agreement was signed that no such weapon would be created.

It was our job to investigate one sight in particular was suspicious and we were to teleport directly down there and have a look around, anyhow several hours, many games of chess and a rather intensive physical from Lucy later, we arrived*

Howard: Right now, this is your first mission with us Tim, do us proud, and most importantly, remember your etiquette, I can’t stress how important that is, why if I were, lets say, examining some academy students for their finals I would severely penalise one of my students for a breach of etiquette.

Lucy: Stop being so mean to him, it’s clear your making him feel awkward, you should be encouraging him to be confident, encourage him to be the kind of rugged brash ensign who would just grasp a vunrable girl like me in his manly arms and kiss me passionately right here and now on the command deck.

Tel: Tell me Tim, when you had your physical with Lucy, did she insist you had to be naked.

Tim: well yes, but she made it clear that was standard procedure.

Tel: and you believed her, Lucy, back off a bit from this one, I’d swear you’re the reason our last 3 ensigns quit.


Lucy: I’m just trying to encourage him to perform better and be more confident, we wouldn’t want him to be nervous and unable to rise to the occasion when he most needs to satisfy me.

*buzzing*

Baz: Ok, I’ll power down my systems.

Lucy: I’ll get you all ready for stasis, I promise not to take advantage of you while you’re incapacitated.

Tel: I still think it’s slightly unfair you gave me a child’s stasis booth, just because I *can* fit in one doesn’t mean it isn’t demeaning.

Tim: What’s going on?

Howard: Sorry I forgot you can’t understand Spurge yet. He just told us we’re approaching the chronomorphic travel gate now.

*Tim’s inner voice* - To be honest I was a bit nervous about my first journey through a chronomorphic gate, I’d just never had need to leave the capital system before. Sure there was that 2 week exchange trip to alpha century as part of the academy but I never got the vaccine’s done for the rare strain of Bermathwian flu H5N1 that was going around at the time so I couldn’t go, anyhow the middalist system was about 200 lightyears away, I know I’d be spending the entire journey in stasis and the time disturbance of the chronomorphic tunnel would mean that from the outside it would only take 3 hours but still it’s a little unnerving to think that you’ll be spending 237 years travelling.


Tel: Howard? Why does your stasis booth report that you woke up for half an hour 148 years into the journey.

Howard: I wanted to catch up on some reading so I programmed mine to stop after a while.

Tel: Reading? And you spent half an hour on that then just got back in your booth?


Howard: Well no not really but it was worth a try, no I prepared these holographic appearance alterators to make us all look really old, I also changed the settings on Ensign Ferior’s booth so that he wakes up 10 minutes after the rest of us.

Baz: What for? Do you suspect he’s a spy?

Howard: No, I just thought we could pretend there was a malfunction with the stasis and he’s now aged 80. If we film his reaction and send it off to the Imperium Broadcasting Company I rekon we could get it on that home video show, oh what’s it called.

*buzzing*

Howard: Yeah Spurge that’s the one.

Tel: Don’t be so mean to poor Tim, he told me he was really scared of the chronomorphic tunnels.

Baz: Go on Howard, don’t listen to her, he’s obviously a wuss he might wet himself.

Tel: That’s just the sort of thing your brother would do.

Howard: You know I was never really going to do it.

Tim: Are we through the tunnels? Why are you all already up?

Howard: Never mind about that, the planet is situated about 3 hours away from the tunnel and were being down as soon as we get there. No delays.

*Tim Inner Voice* - We beamed down to the planet 4 hour later, obviously Baz stayed on the ship, Lucy stayed there too, she wasn’t needed on the mission and she had some research to be getting on with anyway, it also meant she would be the one to greet the Captain’s brother Andrew when his ship arrived later and that’s always fun for her. On the planet we met a man called Manus Xilb

Manus: Ahhh you must be the crew of the aquillias argentums we sent for, and is the imperium famous golden hawk arriving later?

Howard: Yes I believe they will be popping along but I’m pretty confident we’ll be done before they get here, really they are just our backup.

Manus: That’s funny, because we actually only requested them, but the imperium said that since you weren’t doing anything they would send you down too, still glad you’re here eh, the more the merrier.

Tim *quietly*: some people eh captain, obsessed with official rankings, proably best to just let that comment pass right.

Howard: I’m still not sure I like you yet, and you certainly don’t have the right to calm me down.

*buzzing*

Howard: hehe, that’s so true Spurge. Thinking about it that way does make me a lot calmer.

Howard *now out of quiet mode*: So where are the sites you most suspect.

Manus: were you just talking to your robot there? Handy little things those robots aren’t they, almost as capable as a human yet so clealy inferior and with no rights.

*violent buzzing*

Howard: Calm down spurge, no, calm down.

*buzzing*

Howard: I know your not a sponglin robot, these people are just ignorant of your race.

*buzzing*

Howard: No, leave it, leave it he’s not worth it.

Manus: Hey what’s wrong with your robot, theres some sort of ugly slime oozing out of it.

Tel: Oh god, Captain, calm him down, he looks pissed.

Tim: He’s actually starting bubbling, I don’t know the guy but that can’t be good.

Manus: Help, that thing, it’s coming towards me!

Howard: That’s our science officer, look Spurge, just calm down, we’re still dealing with the lawsuit from the last time you attacked someone who called you a robot.

Manus: It’s on my hand, Ahhhhh it burns, get him off, get him off!!!

Howard: Come on Spurge, calm down, think happy thoughts, think calm thoughts, now count backward from 5,, when you reach 0 you will be totally calm.

*5 buzzes*

Howard: Good, are you calm now? can we move on?

*buzzing*

Tim: Hey I think the telepathic link is starting to form, I understood the buzzing. He said, “Ok I’ll leave it but if that bastard calls me a robot again I’ll have his bloody face off”.

Manus: Look I’m sorry if I’ve caused any offernce, we Bushions like to keep to ourselves you see, we never see such exotic and interesting creatures as your science officer over there.

Howard: So far you’ve insulted my ship and been racist towards my science officer, anyone else you’d like to piss off?

Tel: You know captain your brother is just the sort of person to hold a grudge against someone for some silly little comments they made when he first met them.

Howard: As I was saying, no hard feelings eh Manus, as you say you like to keep to yourselves, you’ve probably only ever read official rankings on ships so wouldn’t know that actually everyone really thinks mine is far better than my brothers. Anyhow the sites you suspect.

Manus: Well theres really only two main sites which we find suspicious, both are factories supposedly for the manufacture of weedkiller which they are claiming is for commercial purposes to help with their agriculture, but they have been delivering excessive levels of chemicals to those sites and we’re pretty certain they’re developing a weapon, we need you to investigate for us.


*Tim inner voice*: As manus explained the sites and I wondered how many people the captain would have killed by now if he didn’t have Tellulah around to control him, Lucy and Baz were still up on the ship waiting for captain Andrew to get out of the chronomorphic tunnels and get into contact


Baz: So Lucy, what do you think of the new boy.

Lucy: He’s not as cute as the last Enisgn we had.

Baz: Yes but as I recall our last Enisgn was a spy for the human supremacy movement and a general bit of a bastad on top of that, not that he bothered me, but you lot probably hated him.

Lucy: That doesn’t invalidate my statement, and besides he wasn’t that bad.

Baz: He kept referring to Spurge as Blob boy.

Lucy: Well I admit that was one of his less appealing features.

Baz: And whenever Tellulah asked for his help with anything he’d just say can someone tell that bendy bitch to stop bothering me.

Lucy: All valid points, but you’re missing the vital positive point that he was fit and unlike this Tim so far, I got to sleep with him.

Baz: I didn’t know you ever slept with our last Ensign.

Lucy: What did you think those screams were coming from the medical bay the last time I “examined” him?

Baz: I thought you were torturing his secrets out of him.

Lucy: Why would you think that?

Baz: Well straight afterwards you told us all you’d discovered he was a spy.

Lucy: I grew suspicious when he reacted so negatively when I suggested we do a roleplay where I’m the oppressed Brocarian slave in the 24th century and he’s the strong liberator who releases me from my chains and shows me the ways of the world.

Baz: You really will sleep with anyone won’t you Lucy?

Lucy: Or anything if you know what I mean.

Baz: I’ve told you before I’m not interested, and even if I were I have no idea how that would logistically work.

Lucy: You’ve got a bayonette attachment don’t you?

Baz: Firstly No, and secondly eugh.

Lucy: Spoil Sport.

Baz: But anyway, apart from being not as fit as the last guy what do you think of Ensign Ferior.

Lucy: I like him, he seems keen to get along with everyone and very capable, he’s even got Spurge to like him, although I think losing to him at chess on purpose helped a fair bit.

Baz: But Spurge really sucks at chess, I beat him every time.

Lucy: Yes but you were designed by Interstellar Balistics of Matrianis, and IBM design all their machines with a special blue chip deep inside their smart bombs to make the excel at chess.

Baz: True, to be honest I think Tim is too cowardly, he’s unable to stand up to the captain and admit that he’d rather be on the golden hawk.

Lucy: I think after meeting captain Andrew anyone would be turned off the Golden Hawk.

Baz: That Sarah person didn’t seem to mind him.

Lucy: Well, that’s because those two were made for each other, I watched the graduation for the current intake of ensigns, did you know Sarah refused to participate unless they actually projected a golden aura around he as she collected her certificate.

Baz: And he’s afraid of chronomorphic tunnels.

Lucy: He’s just never been in one before, and remember the news had the ridiculous scare story about that guy who’s stasis booth got damaged 78ths of the way through the jouney and he had to fly the rest manually, he only had an old antique copy of the ancient radio programme “Just a minute” for entertainment, he went mad during the IBC interview when he finally got out all he could do was mumble and ring a bell every time the interviewer repeated a word.

Baz: That’s just IBC scare stories for you, remember that fuss over the outbreak of tentacle and mouth on Ambridia..

Lucy: And theres been a real rise in chronomorphic ambushes by pirates recently.

Baz: Which I, as your tactical officer could have fought off easily.

Lucy: Well I think he’s just sensible, and a real welcome addition to the crew.

*crackles*

Baz: I think that’s an incoming transmission from Captain Andrew.

Andrew: Oh the lovely Lucy has been left behind on ship to greet me, how nice of Howard to leave his big bro such a gift.

Lucy: Just get here as soon as you can.

Andrew: Can’t wait to see me in person eh?

Lucy: I just want the mission done as soon as possible.

Andrew: Really? I’m sure I could make time for you to examine me beforehand.

Lucy : You would be fascinating to examine, I’d look up your arse and there you’d be again, and I could repeat it ad infinitum, we could have hours of fun, you’re like one of those Russian dolls in human form but more rectal.

Andrew: You see on the surface of it you sound like you don’t like me, but I can see the subtext. It’s ok that you don’t trust yourself to get involved with a man like me, but I promise it’d be just sex and nothing more, so you don’t have to feel intimidated by my superiority.

Lucy: Oh just blow it out your arse.

Andrew: You see you just can’t stop talking about it, I know my body is perfect but this is not appropriate behaviour for a medical officer Lucy, I’m going to have to end this communication now so you have a chance to cool down, Captain Andrew Chipon Out.

*Tim inner voice* - After searching through the first suspicious site Spurge found some interesting data in the computer systems, he basically proved that the iraquons were developing the weapon, but we needed the smoking gun, somewhere in that warehouse something was being hidden and I needed to find it, so whilst Howard and Spurge went off to the second site me and tellulah secretly stayed behind to further investigate, but first we had to break in.


Tel: Ok, there is a network of lazors any of which when tripped can set off the alarms, the floor is also rigged with pressure sensors and cameras are constantly sweeping the area.

Tim: Surely no-one could hope to get through there undetected.

Tel: No, Human could get through there undetected, luckily these people didn’t count on being infiltrated by a contotivore.

Tim: If only Lucy were here to hear you talk about being infiltrated by a contortivore.

Tel: Tim, the only contortivore males who still have sex in pairs are government employed prostitutes and even they only breed with other contortivores to help delay the extension of our race.

Tim: So you can really sneak through all that security.

Tel: Of course, see here I go.

*pause*

Tel: Right, done it.

Tim: Man I love radio.

Tel: What?

Tim: I’m just saying as a broadcast medium it’s far preferable to TV.

Tel: Tim this is neither the time nor the place, now I’ve disabled the security using that card Spurge gave me, come on, help me look around.

*We looked for ages but couldn’t find anything, sure we could go back to the Bushions with our findings, but without clear irrefutable proof the Iraquons would admit nothing, we could probably get an imperium resolution to intervene but the Bushions wouldn’t wait for that, it looked like War was going to be the only option, in some ways I would have preferred that to what happened next*

Andrew: So, Howard, you’re new Ensign and that funny bendy girl you employ couldn’t find anything eh? Don’t worry my highly trained team is on the case.

Howard: well good luck with that. As far as the Iraquons are concerned the sites have been investigated now, they won’t allow another team in, besides anything I didn’t find theres no chance your amateurish team will discover.

Andrew: Don’t you worry about getting entry, Ensign Smuggit has her methods.


Sarah: So you’re the guard here, nice uniform, I bet your see all the stuff that goes one around here.

Guard: To be honest I just guard the place I don’t know what goes on.

Sarah: *zipping sound*: Oh come on, I bet you’re the kind of guy, who likes to see everything.

Guard: Well I know a few secrets, but I’m really not allowed to tell.

Sarah: Well maybe you’d like to tell me more, perhaps over dinner tonight.

Guard: I’m sorry but I can’t share official secrets with any member of your crew.

Sarah: You’d be surprised what we can share.

Guard: Well truth be told I know all about what goes on here, like where the secret passage is to all the weapons.

Sarah: And thank you, I have that on tape.

*Tim inner voice* - And so Sarah single handedly uncovered the weapons stores, I have no idea how she found that secret passage it was so well hidden, the guard just said she sneaked by him and insisted he never saw her, certainly never told her where the entrance was. When I asked Sarah how she found it she refused to answer, and when I said what investigative skills she had that I didn’t she just said “well I guess your just not as attractive to sleezy men as me”. However it really was that she found that entrance maybe it did show she was better off than me, maybe this success of hers shows that despite my luck in that exam she really did deserve those 2 extra points.