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Happiest Days - Part 3 of 4

by Tracy 

Posted: 08 August 2007
Word Count: 2491
Summary: This is the third part of chapter one. Somehow I have a feeling it will get a little more confusing before it begins to become clear. I hope so anyway. Clearer I mean. Thank you for your reviews. Tracy
Related Works: Happiest Days • Happiest Days - Chapter One - section 2 of 4 • 

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Happiest Days Chapter One – 3rd Section
Ryan and Joel only needed two or three strides apiece to reach their goal. The bell, rung once, was answered almost immediately although the door was opened just a crack.
“Mr. Walden? Mr Darren Walden?” Ryan had her ID in her hand and she held it up so the man in front of her could see she was who she said she was. “I’m Detective Inspector Ryan Forrester, Midshires CID.”
“Oh yes, please, won’t you come in?” The door was opened fully and the two officers made their way into an extremely tiny hall. Darren, his eyes bloodshot from exhaustion, stepped into the lounge so Joel could close the front door behind him, and a faint female voice was heard.
“Darren, is that the police?”
“Yes, they’re coming into the lounge now.” Darren’s tone, tired as he had spoken to them on the doorstep, was suddenly tender, loving, and, both officers knew, just a little bit forced.
Ryan moved over so she was standing in front of Annie Walden and crouched down.
“Mrs Walden, my name is Detective Inspector Ryan Forrester from Midshires CID. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.”
“I … I don’t know how much use I’ll be, but I will try.” Annie Walden seemed to be almost surrounded by the chair she sat in. The arms, large and overstuffed reached around her protectively, and the soft velour back grasped her body like memory foam, while her legs were curled up underneath her and lost from view.
“My partner, Detective Matheson, will be taping this as well as taking some notes while we talk. When we’re done he’ll read them back to you, to give you an idea of what was actually said, is that ok?”
The young woman, who, Ryan knew was only twenty-six, nodded her head causing auburn hair to swing over her shoulders, catching the light from the warm September sun shining in through the windows. She seemed almost too fragile, as if any movement from anyone nearby would cause her to shatter into a thousand pieces.
“I … I thought you were going to be a man, I’m so glad I can talk to a woman.”
“A lot of people make that mistake, but we wouldn’t send a male officer if we could possibly avoid it.” Ryan smiled, her name had caused her to be both amused and embarrassed in the past, and she knew it wasn’t something that would change anytime soon.
“Mrs Walden, just so you know, you don’t need to slow down your speech, I use shorthand, so talk normally and it’ll be fine.” Joel’s voice broke into the conversation for the first time, and Ryan saw the pain in his eyes as he looked towards the woman they had come to see.
“I’m going to pull a dining chair up, and then we’ll begin.” The young woman nodded again, and waited. Ryan sat down, looking more closely at the face of the third victim of a man who had become known, to Ryan at least, as ‘the educated rapist’ because of the little trinkets he left behind.
He was getting bolder, cleverer and far more dangerous with each attack, and Ryan knew it was only a matter of time before he killed one of his victims.
Annie Walden was lucky, she may not feel it right now, but she had survived, not intact, but she had survived. The rapist had gouged at her eyes so viciously the hospital wasn’t sure if she would ever see again.
“Let’s go through the formalities first, you know the boring bits.”
“Ok.” Annie sounded a little confused, but seemed to relax just slightly.
“You are Anne Walden, but most people call you Annie, yes?”
“Yes, that’s right. I can’t remember the last time anyone called me Anne, well except people like doctors at the hospital, or the bank manager.”
“He calls you by your first name? Wow!” Ryan was pleased to see a slight smile cross the face of her companion, and she carried on talking. “Most of this is just for the information at the beginning of the tape; you’re twenty-six years of age, married to Darren, you live at number twenty-eight, Redding Drive and have no children.”
“Yes, all of that is right.” Annie’s voice, although still quiet, was a little more confident now, and Ryan carried on talking, watching her all the while.
“It’s two minutes past ten on 1st September, ---- those present are Detective Inspector Ryan Forrester, Detective Sergeant Joel Matheson, Mrs Anne Walden and her husband Mr Darren Walden.”
Ryan paused for a moment, observing her partner as he watched the tape going round, saw him stop and restart it, before they all listened to her voice float out across the room repeating back to them who was present, and then, following a couple more clicks of the tape recorder’s buttons, silence resumed.
“Ok, Gov, it’s working fine.” Joel’s voice, calm and reassuring, let her know she should continue, and so taking a breath she did just that.
“What I think will be the best way to handle this is if you tell me what happened first, in your own words, and we’ll just listen. The only time I will interrupt is if we need to change the tape, or if I need clarification on something I think can’t wait until you are done, ok?”
“Yes, I understand. Will … will you clear your throat and touch my hand if you want me to stop, only voices tend to make me jump at the moment?”
“Of course, that’s fine, like this?” Ryan did as she had been asked and was amazed at the coldness of Annie’s hand.
“Yes, yes, just like that.” The silence descended once more and, for a moment or two, Ryan was happy to let it continue.
“Where do you want me to start?” It was a common question; Ryan had been waiting for it.
“Before the attack, not days before, but when everything was still fine, when you didn’t realise there was any danger, and go on until you are ready to stop. I know the attack took place on Friday and you spent the weekend in the hospital. So it’s up to you where you begin and end. Like I said, at this point, I want to listen not ask questions.” Ryan knew this could take a long while, and she had told her office not to call her or expect her back until the afternoon. Joel’s phone was on vibrate and he would leave the room to take any messages her subordinates considered urgent enough for them to receive. She didn’t anticipate hearing from anyone.
“Yes, it was Friday, Darren was due back to school on … today, it would have been today, and so I was going to go to Tesco’s to get some stuff to barbeque. His friend Aaron, who he used to work with, was coming over, his wife too, on the Saturday and we were just gonna chill, have some nice food, good wine and enjoy ourselves.
“The car park was packed, I guess most families were thinking the same way we were, although the children round here have another few days before their holidays finish. Anyway, I parked in the first gap I saw, and I … I just know I locked it. I grabbed a small trolley, I didn’t want much, but knew, even though it should fit into a basket, I was bound to see stuff I hadn’t planned on buying, I always do!”
Ryan knew some of what Annie was saying wasn’t really necessary, but she had no intention of interrupting her flow. It was far better to have too much information and spend time sifting through it, than not enough and need to return over and over, continually distressing everyone involved.
“My few bits of shopping cost me almost forty-five pounds, and I definitely needed the trolley. I made my way back to the car, I was a bit disoriented to start with, I usually park right near the entrance, and there seemed to be no end of cars which looked like mine … yes?” Annie had heard a sound and felt Ryan’s hand on hers and so she stopped speaking.
“I’m sorry, I realise I should already know this, but what car do you drive?”
“Oh, it’s a silver Vauxhall Astra, every other car you see seems to be silver, and most are about that size and shape. I had to check number plates to find it in the end. It’s W6 DAW; it was a joint Christmas present last year, our own personalized number plate. When I saw it I … oh!” Annie stopped. Ryan knew she had remembered something, something which had slipped her mind up until that moment, and held her breath. Maybe the overlooked fact would be important, maybe not. Right now she would take it, whatever it was.
“I know how he got in. It was me … I did it.” Annie struggled to contain her emotions and Ryan watched Darren, willing him to stay where he was. Gradually her breathing levelled out and Annie continued, “I opened the car with the remote as I was walking towards it. It’s a habit, I guess, and I put the bags in the boot, the trolley in the nearest park and climbed into the driver’s seat.”
The last few words had come out at speed, and Ryan knew the young woman was getting to the hard part. She had said nothing when Annie had realised her own culpability in what had happened, but she would, later, when it was her turn to speak.
“I started up the car, reversed out of the space, and made my way onto the slip road which leads back to the dual carriageway. When … when I paused at the junction … I heard a voice…”
The room became heavy with emotion and Ryan, seeing Darren Walden begin to move out of the corner of her eye, looked at him and shook her head. He sat heavily back into his own chair, but she knew he wanted to be next to Annie, comforting her and telling her it was ok.
“Sorry.” Annie gulped back a sob and then, with her hands now clenched into tight fists began to speak again.
“I … I didn’t recognize it, it was quiet, sort of muffled. I’ve thought about it a lot. He was sort of reading, reciting maybe, from a script … does that make sense?”
“Yes it does, but I’ll talk about it later, you carry on, you’re doing a great job.” Ryan wasn’t sure yet what all of her witness’s statement would contain and didn’t want to lose momentum by interrupting. She didn’t want to be accused of putting words into Annie’s mouth either, but knew a little encouragement could go along way.
“Really? Oh good, I’m so glad. I was scared I’d mess up or something.” Again the small smile; the reassurance had been just enough to set her back off on her horrific journey into the recent past.
“He said to me ‘you are going to do exactly as I say, do you understand?’ and I nodded. I don’t know why I didn’t scream, maybe I was too scared, but I just nodded, and he said it again. ‘Say it, do you understand?’ I … I told him I did and then I said I didn’t have much money on me but he could take what I had.” Her hand went to her eyes for the first time, and Ryan realised she had forgotten about the pads, which were covering them. The bottom of the dressings looked a little wet, as if a few tears had been soaked up by it and, as Annie’s shoulders heaved, it became apparent she was crying.
Joel took the opportunity to check the tape and, seeing they still had plenty left, relaxed a little. It was almost impossible to gauge the passing of time in situations like the one they found themselves in and it wasn’t unheard of for a cassette to run out with a resounding ‘click’ right in the middle of vital testimony. It hadn’t happened to him yet, but he wasn’t taking any chances.
“I’m sorry. Darren, are you still here?” This time reassurance was needed from her husband, and Ryan knew the young man would move across towards his wife. She couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stop him, but she hoped he would return to his own seat when he had the chance.
It took over ten minutes before Annie could carry on, and during that time Ryan had made a ‘drinking’ motion with her hand in front of Darren. When he nodded she had gone out to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water for her interviewee. Once that had been done though she sat quietly, trying to imagine the scene described to her so far. She knew the Tesco store Annie meant, but could only see it clearly in her mind because she had driven past it the previous evening to re-familiarize herself with the scene. Joel, she could see, had paused the tape and finished checking his notes, and so they sat, listening to Darren patiently and quietly speaking to Annie, calming her, reassuring her she was doing a great job, and explaining to her how, once this was done, they were one step closer to regaining the life they’d had before.
Finally, with a deep breath, Annie turned toward her husband and smiled.
“Thank you, sweetheart, I’m ok again now. You … you go sit back over there, otherwise I’ll be wondering what you’re doing all the time, instead of knowing you’re sitting, listening.”
“Are you sure? I can stay, move the chair, anything.” His voice was heartbreaking to hear, the emotions inside him causing words to catch in his throat and sound almost pleading. Ryan felt so for him and what he too would be going through as he tried to protect his wife when, in reality, it was too late for that.
“I’m sure, and if you move the furniture I’ll fall over it, so go, I can picture you sitting in your chair, and if I’m not fine I know you’ll come back.”
Darren kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek and, hesitantly, obviously not convinced it was the right thing to do; returned to his seat and sat down.
“I’m sorry, somehow the anticipation of what I have to tell you is scarier than actually saying the words, but I’m ready now.”
“Ok, well, just carry on as you were before, Mr Walden is right, you really are doing a great job.” Again the reassurance lifted the young woman’s spirits and Ryan saw her square her shoulders, take a deep breath, and try to relax before continuing.






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 18:47 on 11 August 2007  Report this post
Good :)
Just be careful not to wander into Darren's pov (his feelings) in this part. They should be interpreted by the officers, or by the reader from his actions or the tone of his voice.


- NaomiM


I made some notes as I went along:


Ryan had her ID in her hand and she held it up so the man in front of her could see she was who she said she was.

Delete the part after 'up' - trust the reader to know what you mean.

but I will try
- maybe delete this bit


Joel’s voice broke into the conversation for the first time,
- I would move this to the beginning of the line, so the reader knows who's speaking.

you don’t need to slow down your speech
- 'you don't need to talk slowly' or 'just speak normally'
Alternatively, she could start talking in a rush, then stop and look apologetically at the officer in case he can't write fast enough, and then he could use the line '- don't worry, I use shorthand'


“Yes, all of that is right.”
- "yes, that's right"

observing her partner as he watched the tape going round, saw him stop and restart it,
- I'm not sure it's physically possible to take notes and operate a tape recorder at the same time. His hands are too full. Maybe mention putting it on the dining room table, or resting it on the arm of the chair, or balance it on his knee.


“I know how he got in. It was me … I did it.”
- needs clarification - when did he slip in after she unlocked the car with the remote?

Maybe mention the bandages over her eyes at the start, when the officers enter the room, since it would be one of the first things te officers notice about her; describe her to the reader.




<Added>

I seem to have mixed up my italics and underlines, sorry. :)

Susanna at 15:54 on 12 August 2007  Report this post


I liked the way you portrayed the relationship between the two officers, also the insights into Ryan's character gleaned from her behaviour towards Annie (e.g. the various ways in which she puts her client at ease).

You write very precisely and I think sometimes you could be more economical when expressing factual information. The technical details, e.g.taping the interview, seemed to feature too prominently, detracting from the drama unfolding (and it seemed too soon to be checking the tape hadn't run out). Naomi picked up on the showing the ID and this is another example of a passage which could be expressed more briefly:

Ryan knew this could take a long while, and she had told her office not to call her or expect her back until the afternoon. Joel’s phone was on vibrate and he would leave the room to take any messages her subordinates considered urgent enough for them to receive. She didn’t anticipate hearing from anyone.


Practical considerations: I hope the officers would have sought consent/established Annie's preferences (she might have preferred to be interviewed without her husband being present, for example).

an extremely tiny hall.


I don't think you need extremely and I wondered if you could substitute a brief physical description, maybe, the difficulty the officers had in fitting into the space?

Annie Walden seemed to be almost surrounded by the chair she sat in. The arms, large and overstuffed reached around her protectively, and the soft velour back grasped her body like memory foam, while her legs were curled up underneath her and lost from view.


This is a nice image; I like the idea of this fragile woman being almost swallowed by the chair (with its metaphorical possibilities) but does the POV stray with the mention of memory foam?

Annie Walden was lucky, she may not feel it right now, but she had survived, not intact, but she had survived. The rapist had gouged at her eyes so viciously the hospital wasn’t sure if she would ever see again.


We know she has been raped so I think the thoughts about her not being in tact may be unnecessary. Could Ryan think of the psychological effects instead?

Darren kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek and, hesitantly, obviously not convinced it was the right thing to do; returned to his seat and sat down.


How about:

Darren kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek and hesitated (maybe put in a facial expresson) before returning to his seat.


I am hooked in to wanting to know how all of this fits together and solving the crime.

Susanna






julietoc at 09:45 on 14 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Tracy, i have to agree that this scene seems to build and build and yet not actually get there. Too much detail in setting up the interview, when all the reader really wants to know is the 'gory' details. I also felt you missed a hook, by revealing her awful injuries near the beginning. i would have some ref's to her condition but not actually spell it out, so the reader is eager to get to her testimony and hear the 'gore' first hand. And then as the testimony picks up the chapter ends, so the reader is denied the actual detail of the crime. You don't have to gross out your reader by describing every awful detail, but you do need to let the reader close enough to feel the pain and fear of Annie - i felt held at a distance and didn't empathise with the victim.

On the whole i thought the dialogue was good - except the bit about her car and reg, it felt forced for the readers benefit.

Sorry i haven't been more positive, the writing is sound but i felt you skirted around the crime.

Juliet

Tracy at 10:52 on 14 August 2007  Report this post
Ladies,
Calling in quickly. I have house guests plus I'm also house sitting for a friend tonight. I will comment on all your helpful suggestions when I can do them justice. Please don't think I'm ignoring any of you.
Take care
Tracy



Tracy at 21:02 on 19 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Naomi,
Thank you for reading this. I am sorry it took me so long to reply.

Good :)
Just be careful not to wander into Darren's pov (his feelings) in this part. They should be interpreted by the officers, or by the reader from his actions or the tone of his voice.


- NaomiM

You pm'd me about pov and I am working on it. House-sitting is wonderful. Total silence, I got four chapters of editing done, in rough at least. Since I've been home I've not even opened the folder!


I made some notes as I went along:

Thank you.


Ryan had her ID in her hand and she held it up so the man in front of her could see she was who she said she was.

Delete the part after 'up' - trust the reader to know what you mean.

True. She's not going to hold it down is she?

but I will try
- maybe delete this bit

Ok, no problem.

Joel’s voice broke into the conversation for the first time,
- I would move this to the beginning of the line, so the reader knows who's speaking.

Ok, I can do that. I think I am going to change this so all the police scenes are from Joel's pov. Thinking over what I have written there are a few pivotal scenes where Ryan isn't around, but Joel always is.

you don’t need to slow down your speech
- 'you don't need to talk slowly' or 'just speak normally'
Alternatively, she could start talking in a rush, then stop and look apologetically at the officer in case he can't write fast enough, and then he could use the line '- don't worry, I use shorthand'

I like the last one. I wanted her to come across as someone who is desperate to help, but not really sure if she is doing ok or not.


“Yes, all of that is right.”
- "yes, that's right"

Why does it sound so much better and so obvious when someone else suggests it?

observing her partner as he watched the tape going round, saw him stop and restart it,
- I'm not sure it's physically possible to take notes and operate a tape recorder at the same time. His hands are too full. Maybe mention putting it on the dining room table, or resting it on the arm of the chair, or balance it on his knee.

This must be a case of me seeing it and so assuming everyone else did as well. In my mind the tape recorder is on the dining table. I will make it more obvious. He is a man after all and so multi-tasking is a big step for him!!!


“I know how he got in. It was me … I did it.”
- needs clarification - when did he slip in after she unlocked the car with the remote?

This is definitely mentioned further on. From his point of view I think. So for now I will leave well alone.

Maybe mention the bandages over her eyes at the start, when the officers enter the room, since it would be one of the first things te officers notice about her; describe her to the reader.

Good point. Thank you.




<Added>

I seem to have mixed up my italics and underlines, sorry. :)

No problem.

Thank you for your great suggestions. I am printing them all out so I can work on them once I have more of the first edit under my belt. Having also started a new piece of work I'm trying to juggle my time with that and a thousand other things too.
Take care
Tracy


Tracy at 21:27 on 19 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Susanna,

Thank you for commenting on my chapter section. Real life has been getting in the way far too much for my liking, but I have a little while to reply right now.

I liked the way you portrayed the relationship between the two officers, also the insights into Ryan's character gleaned from her behaviour towards Annie (e.g. the various ways in which she puts her client at ease).

Thank you. Naomi has said I have too many points of view and, having highlighted all the different ones in the first chapter I have to agree with her. There are seven! I am going to go with Joel's pov for all the police scenes, but hopefully Ryan's personality will still shine through.

You write very precisely and I think sometimes you could be more economical when expressing factual information.

Oh yeah! A friend from America who has read my stories for the longest time says of me, why use one word when fifteen will do! It is a habit I have to get out of.

The technical details, e.g.taping the interview, seemed to feature too prominently, detracting from the drama unfolding (and it seemed too soon to be checking the tape hadn't run out).

True. I guess my inexperience shows in the way I feel the need to touch every base. I should give my reader the ability to work some of this out for themselves.

Naomi picked up on the showing the ID and this is another example of a passage which could be expressed more briefly:

Ryan knew this could take a long while, and she had told her office not to call her or expect her back until the afternoon. Joel’s phone was on vibrate and he would leave the room to take any messages her subordinates considered urgent enough for them to receive. She didn’t anticipate hearing from anyone.

And that is the shorter version! Maybe something like
Ryan had instructed her office not to call her, Joel would receive any urgent messages but she didn't anticipate hearing from anyone.

Practical considerations: I hope the officers would have sought consent/established Annie's preferences (she might have preferred to be interviewed without her husband being present, for example).

Yes, me too, and this type of detail would be far better than me harping on about tape decks and phone calls.

an extremely tiny hall.

I don't think you need extremely and I wondered if you could substitute a brief physical description, maybe, the difficulty the officers had in fitting into the space?

I like this. We have a tiny hall, so I can describe this no problem.

Annie Walden seemed to be almost surrounded by the chair she sat in. The arms, large and overstuffed reached around her protectively, and the soft velour back grasped her body like memory foam, while her legs were curled up underneath her and lost from view.

This is a nice image; I like the idea of this fragile woman being almost swallowed by the chair (with its metaphorical possibilities) but does the POV stray with the mention of memory foam?

Hmmm, not sure. Probably it does because that is authorial isn't it? (I've been reading other posts! :))

Annie Walden was lucky, she may not feel it right now, but she had survived, not intact, but she had survived. The rapist had gouged at her eyes so viciously the hospital wasn’t sure if she would ever see again.

We know she has been raped so I think the thoughts about her not being in tact may be unnecessary. Could Ryan think of the psychological effects instead?

Yes, I am sure she could. If I'm changing this to Joel's pov however, I may have to rethink this section anyway. I received a review on one of my gay fic stories once which said the reader knew I was female because I wrote that way. Hopefully I won't write Joel from too feminine a perspective.

Darren kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek and, hesitantly, obviously not convinced it was the right thing to do; returned to his seat and sat down.

How about:
Darren kissed his wife tenderly on the cheek and hesitated (maybe put in a facial expresson) before returning to his seat.

This has been changed, but will be changed again I think. He no longer has a pov, poor guy ;)

I am hooked in to wanting to know how all of this fits together and solving the crime.
Susanna

Thank you. I love it when someone says something like this and then I start to worry that they will be disappointed. Guess I'm never satisfied, but I do appreciate your kind words and the time taken by you and everyone else who reads my words.
Take care
Tracy




Tracy at 21:34 on 19 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Juliet,
Another thank you. I do appreciate the time and effort people are putting into this for me.
Hi Tracy, i have to agree that this scene seems to build and build and yet not actually get there. Too much detail in setting up the interview, when all the reader really wants to know is the 'gory' details.

It does build, but as it isn't the end of the chapter yet, from my way of thinking it is still going up rather than reaching a plateau or beginning its descent.

I also felt you missed a hook, by revealing her awful injuries near the beginning. i would have some ref's to her condition but not actually spell it out, so the reader is eager to get to her testimony and hear the 'gore' first hand.

Yes, I can see the point in that but, as Susanna says, her eyes would be the first thing Joel and Ryan notice as they come into the room. I should be able to put just enough detail to 'hook' them though, I think.

And then as the testimony picks up the chapter ends, so the reader is denied the actual detail of the crime. You don't have to gross out your reader by describing every awful detail, but you do need to let the reader close enough to feel the pain and fear of Annie - i felt held at a distance and didn't empathise with the victim.

But this isn't the end of the chapter, there is another section to go. It does end with the crime, from Annie's perspective, and although I leave out the main details, there is no doubt as to what happened.

On the whole i thought the dialogue was good - except the bit about her car and reg, it felt forced for the readers benefit.

Yes, this was more me finding my way than Annie coming across on the page. There is no need for that to even be there, other than it helped me picture Annie in the car park.

Sorry i haven't been more positive, the writing is sound but i felt you skirted around the crime.
Juliet

Don't apologise, I want honesty otherwise I can't improve or grow. Hopefully the final section will clear up a few points, and then I can go back and re-do the entire chapter.
Thank you.
Take care
Tracy


julietoc at 08:20 on 20 August 2007  Report this post
sorry Tracy i read 3 of 4 as the last section - duh! and i teach statistics. I will comment again in light of part 4, hope all my comments weren't useless.

Juliet

Tracy at 10:08 on 20 August 2007  Report this post
Hi Juliet,

sorry Tracy i read 3 of 4 as the last section - duh! and i teach statistics.
No problem. I'm glad you felt it needed the crime details in the chapter.


I will comment again in light of part 4, hope all my comments weren't useless.
They were far from useless, all the comments I have received since joining this site have been so helpful. I already feel I am a better writer because of them.
Take care
Tracy




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