TWENTY
I’d been grounded for four weeks. I’d have probably gone mad if it wasn’t for play rehearsals. Sometimes me and Emma would stop in Jenny’s Burgers on the way home for a milkshake. Today I was telling her about Hitchworth and how different it was, how people did stuff like horse riding and lived in houses that had names. Emma was amazed that at Hitchworth Girls’ it was OK to get good grades.
‘Stanhill’s such a shithole,’ she said. ‘So many people get bullied. It’s horrible. That’s why I’m glad you came, though, because you still get good grades, but people look up to you.’
‘No, they don’t!’ I exclaimed.
‘Yes, they do. You’re pretty and you’re with Kevin and everything. Loads of girls fancy Kevin. Even I used to.’
I couldn’t help smiling.
Emma told me her mum was a cokehead. She’d never met her dad and didn’t even know who he was. She had an older brother who was gay. He lived in Manchester.
‘Can you imagine people in Stanhill if I told them I had a gay brother?’ she said, wide-eyed. ‘They’d be calling him a batty boy and everything.’
‘Idiots,’ I said.
‘Him and my mum don’t really talk. You’ve probably seen my mum, Tash. She’s always in the Wellie.’
‘Yeah? What does she look like?’
‘She’s got blonde permed hair. Her name’s Hayley.’
I remembered the frizzy blonde head bent over the nappy changer in the loos that night.
‘Not sure. I might have seen her,’ I said.
The Mediterranean waiter guy brought our milkshakes over to our table, calling us ‘pretty ladies’, as he always did.
I sighed. ‘I’m sick of being grounded. I didn’t mind at first, but I didn’t think Mum would really keep it up ‘til Christmas. Looks like she is, though. She’s even photocopied my rehearsal timetable so I can’t lie about it.’
‘Bet you’re missing Kevin,’ Emma said.
Missing Kevin was the worst thing. When I really thought about it, it ached. I was scared he’d forget about me and start looking at other girls. When I was in bed I’d imagine he was there with me, touching me and laughing in my ear. We’d had the odd phone chat and I’d popped in the butchers a few times. It just made me want more of him. I’d seen him yesterday in there, with his stubbly grin. He’d had his head shaved and kept rubbing it. It made his eyes looked bluer and his eyelashes even darker. I’d wanted to grab him and kiss him there and then.
He still wasn’t going to school while they decided what to do with him. There was going to be a big meeting next week with Mrs McMahon, Mr Ramsey and people from the local education authority. He’d asked me to bunk off and meet him one day. I wasn’t sure. Mum was still out at Richard’s a lot, but she kept phoning me on the house phone to check I was in, and she said she had people keeping an eye on the house. She was probably lying, but I didn’t know that for definite.
‘He told me he loved me on the phone the other day,’ I said to Emma.
‘Tash! That’s mental!’ she squealed. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it between both of hers with their chewed fingernails. ‘Look, you’ve gone all red! So, do you love him?’
‘Yeah,’ I giggled. ‘I think I do.’
‘Shit, man. You’re so lucky. I’ve thought I had feelings for loads of blokes, but they never tell me they love me. You’re so lucky, Tash. I’ll never meet anyone who treats me like that.’
‘What’s going on with Marlon?’
‘He told me those texts were from when his mate borrowed his phone. He said his mate’s seeing a girl called Sara.’
‘Do you believe him?’
‘I don’t know,’ she sighed.
‘Well, be careful. Don’t let him mess you around. You deserve to meet someone nice, Emma. You’re such a nice person.’
‘Do you think so?’ She put her head down and looked up through her cloggy lashes at me.
‘Yeah. You’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.’ I realised this at the same I said it. ‘You’re always smiling and you never cuss anyone. You’re never two-faced.’
She smiled and then her face dropped again. ‘Oh, but I really like Marlon. I really like all of the blokes I meet, but they all do stuff like this. Why? Why me?’
‘Well what do you do when they do stuff like that?’
She shrugged. ‘Nothing because I always really like them and being with someone makes me feel wanted. And then ... I suppose they dump me in the end. I’ve never dumped anyone, they always dump me.’
‘Well you should. Tell them to fuck off, Emma! You’re better than that,’ I said.
‘Am I?’
‘Course you are.’
‘I’m glad you came here, Tash. I feel like everyone else just thinks I’m a slag. I know we haven’t known each other long, but you’re my best mate in this school.’
‘You’re mine as well,’ I said.
We beamed at each other.
I carried on smiling into my milkshake for a while, making twirly patterns in it with my straw and then watching them disappear.
‘Emma,’ I said eventually. ‘If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone?’
‘Course. What?’
‘I lost my virginity to Kevin,’ I whispered.
She squealed again. ‘When?’
‘The day we bunked off together in my house.’
‘What did you think of it?’ she asked. ‘What was he like to you after?’
‘It was OK,’ I said. ‘It hurt a little bit. It felt sort of weird. I got a bit upset, I don’t know why.’
‘I know what you mean.’ She nodded her head quickly. ‘What did Kevin do?’
‘He cuddled me and stuff.’
‘He’s so lovely,’ she sighed. ‘You’re so lucky. It gets better, though, when you do it more and you get used to it.’
We paid the smiling Mediterranean man and I walked home. I went past Kevin’s butchers. It was shut.
The green Mondeo was on our drive. Richard-35-from-Uxbridge and Mum were on the sofa. Mum had one of her legs over his. There was a bottle of wine on the coffee table and a pile of dirty plates.
‘Good rehearsal?’ smiled Richard.
‘Mmm.’ I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. There was a bag of Satsumas on the side. I took one. They were my favourite fruit. Mum always bought loads when they came in season.
‘Nat,’ called Mum.
‘What?’
‘Come here a sec.’
I wandered into the doorway.
‘Yeah?’
‘I know you’ve been grounded a month now. I said ’til the Christmas holidays, so you’ve got a few more weeks. But if you want, you can have Kelly to stay, or maybe a nice friend from school. Not that Kevin, though.’
I picked the white bits off a slice of Satsuma.
‘OK?’ she added.
‘OK.’ I walked upstairs. Emma was the one I’d really like to invite, but I wasn’t sure what Mum might think of her dirty shoes and love bites. Kelly took ages to reply to my mails these days and our phone calls had gone down to once a week from three times. My story of drinking too much and getting grounded had been met with one of her silences. No one’s silences were like Kelly’s.
I dialled her number.

TWENTY-ONE
The shiny red Audi pulled up almost silently, halfway on to the pavement at the top of our drive.
‘There’s Kelly!’ Mum leapt up and went to the door. I followed her up the path. The old lady next door was peeking round her net curtains. She was wearing a pale blue dressing gown and a net thing on her head.
Kelly climbed out of the passenger seat. She was wearing a fake fur jacket and dark jeans tucked in vintage style boots. Her hair was perfectly straightened and clipped up at the front.
‘Hi, Alan,’ Mum called to Kelly’s dad.
‘You alright, Julie? Hello, Nat. How’s it going down here, back in the big smoke?’
I didn’t know what he meant.
‘Fine,’ smiled Mum. ‘We’re pretty much settled in now.’
‘Good,’ Alan replied. He Kelly leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Give me a ring when you want picking up sweetheart,’ he said to Kelly. ‘Have fun, girls.’
The passenger window whirred up and the Audi cruised away. It was probably the nicest car that had ever stopped down Grange Close.
‘Let me take your coat, Kelly.’ Mum said when we got in. ‘It’s lovely, by the way. Maybe you should get something like that, Nat.’
As if Mum could afford to get me something like that now. People at school would probably think it was over-the-top, anyway.
‘Ooh and look at your nails,’ Mum continued. ‘You’ve had them done.’
‘Yeah, Samantha Gregory’s aunt is a beautician and a hairdresser. She did it for me.’
I’d wondered how long it’d be before Samantha Gregory got mentioned.
Richard-35-from-Uxbridge came out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon, no shoes on and his belt hanging undone. He even had a toothbrush, a razor and some Imperial Leather shaving foam in the bathroom now.
They did the introductions and small-talk and then Mum showed Kelly round our house.
‘It’s nice,’ said Kelly, sounding as adult as usual. ‘Like a little cottage.’
‘Yeah,’ said Mum. ‘That’s what I liked about it.’
Richard had made chilli again. He said it was his speciality. It was good, but maybe a bit too salty. Mum brought mine and Kelly’s in first with a tray each to put on our laps. I’d never seen the trays before. I wondered if Mum had bought them specially.
‘Sorry we haven’t got a dining table,’ she said to Kelly. ‘It would probably take up too much room. I’m going to get a breakfast bar put in the kitchen.’
That was the first I’d heard of it.
‘It’s fine,’ said Kelly. ‘I eat on the sofa a lot at home.’
That was a lie. Kelly’s perfect housewife mum would never allow that. She might let us eat cookies on the sofa, but never a meal.
Kelly and Mum carried on saying grown up things to each other. Richard smiled at the floor and the walls. I picked out all the mushrooms to eat first because they were my favourite bit.
‘Richard played drums with Seal,’ Mum said.
‘Wow! Seal!’ Kelly even put her fork down.
How did she know who Seal was? If this bloke Seal had been around when my mum was young, Kelly’s parents wouldn’t have been into him. They were over ten years older. Kelly’s mum liked really old Michael Jackson stuff from when he looked normal and did that funny ‘Moonwalk’ dance. Kelly’s dad liked a band called Dire Straits. I quite liked some of Dire Straits songs, but I’d never have told Kelly or anyone.
‘Yeah, well, it was just a few times,’ said Richard. ‘The normal drummer had earache so I stood in for a few gigs.’
‘Cool,’ said Kelly.
After dinner, me and Kelly went upstairs.
‘I’ve been playing lots of the old CDs you made me,’ I told her.
She smiled and went over to my mirror to check her hair.
‘Let’s put one on now,’ she said.
I took them all out and she picked the one with the Hello Kitty sticker.
‘Your hair looks nice,’ I said, stroking my hand down it.
‘Mum brought me some new straighteners. They’re worth over ninety quid, but we got a discount through Sam’s aunt.’
‘Cool,’ I said.
‘This song reminds me of when I fancied Simon Scargill,’ she laughed.
We both made ‘yuk’ noises and talked about what other songs reminded us of, especially the times we used to dress up and act out the song videos. Soon we were laying tops and tails on my bed, nearly wetting ourselves with laughter.
‘Do you miss Hitchworth?’ she asked.
‘Sometimes,’ I replied.
‘Don’t you get scared living round here? Dad said he was glad you were grounded so me and you weren’t walking the streets.’
‘It’s not that bad, Kel.’
She giggled. ‘Dad called it Chavhill.’
I clicked my tongue. ‘Your dad doesn’t really know it round here.’
She shrugged. ‘I suppose not.’
‘Anyway, I wouldn’t have met Kevin if I hadn’t moved here.’ I looked at her. ‘I love him, you know.’
Kelly stared at the ceiling for ages. Then she turned her head towards me.
‘How do you know you love him?’ She asked it as if she didn’t believe me.
‘I don’t know. I just want to be with him all the time. He just makes me feel all ... you know.’ I shivered and hugged up my shoulders to show her what I meant.
‘I know you say he’s fit and everything,’ said Kelly, ‘but he still sounds a bit dodgy.’
‘Well yeah, he does get in trouble, but he’s really sweet sometimes. And he loves me as well.’
‘Right,’ she replied in a flat voice.
‘And there’s something else.’ I sat up.
‘What?’
‘I’ve shagged him!’ I giggled.
‘Na-at!’ She sat up too, her eyes wide, as if I’d done something really, really bad.
‘Only once.’
She stared at me.
‘Well ... what ... Did you use anything?’
‘Use anything? Well no. It was only the first time ... and I suppose we didn’t really think about it.’ My voice faltered.
‘Na-at,’ she said again. She put her hand over her mouth. ‘That’s really bad.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Yeah. You could have caught something. Or be pregnant.’
‘No, I couldn’t. It was just our first time.’ My heart felt like it was sinking lower and lower into my stomach. ‘Stop it, Kelly. You’re scaring me.’
‘Nat, you’ve been so bloody stupid since you’ve moved here.’
‘No I haven’t. You’re just jealous ’cos I’m doing stuff you’re not.’
‘Oh yeah,’ she retorted. ‘Like I want to live with the chavs in Chavhill!’
I could feel my chin start to wobble.
‘Fuck off, Kelly. You’re nothing but a snobby bitch. You always tried to boss me around and be above me all the time. I don’t even know why I ever wanted to be your best mate.’
‘Me too. You think you’re all Miss Popular now, Miss Hardnut. You were an ugly geek before you met me. You can fuck off too and go and catch AIDS and take loads of drugs with your trampy new mates.’
She pulled her phone out of her vintage style handbag.
‘Dad,’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘Can you come and get me? Nothing, I just want to come home. Now.’