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Autumn Wind
Posted: 24 July 2007
Word Count: 56
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AUTUMN WIND
The autumn wind blows
The leaves fall down from the trees
They shed of their leaves to rid of the old
So the new can appear and begin to unfold
This is how it is with us
We shed our old so the new can unfold
Your petals can appear and become a rose.
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Comments by other Members
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 Sergeant Brigg at 23:04 on 24 July 2007
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Hi Jennifer, nice work. There are some nice sentiments there. I don't know a great deal about poetry, but I enjoyed reading your poem.
I've just joined this group, so now I must work on my piece to upload!
Thanks
Kevin
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 joanie at 21:52 on 25 July 2007
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Hello Beth and welcome to Writewords. I really do appreciate the sentiments here but I think you could 'prune' it a bit.
I think the repetition of 'unfold' is a bit cumbersome and also 'of' in the third line and 'leaves'.
How about something like The autumn wind blows
trees shed their leaves to rid the old
so the new can appear and begin to unfold
We too shed our old.
Our petals appear and become a rose. |
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Just a quick thought.
joanie
<Added>
Sorry, Beth - I have already welcomed you, a couple of days ago!
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joolsk at 16:00 on 27 July 2007
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Hi Beth,
Welcome to the group!
I quite like the gentle sentiment in this poem although I always prefer poetry with a bit of contrast such as a change in tempo or a slighly surprising/dark/acidic thread running through it.
Perhaps experiment with removing some of the words, it may tighten up the pace a little, off the top of my head (feel free to completely ignore me):
Autumn wind blows
and leaves fall from trees
shed of their leaves
to rid of old
new appear and
begin to unfold
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...or something.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work!
J x
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Account Closed at 17:32 on 27 July 2007
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Very more-ish indeed. This one really grew on me, but I think it will come into its own if jiggled a bit (as it were!) and allowed to breathe. How about:
The autumn wind blows,
leaves fall down from trees.
They shed their leaves
to discard the old
ao the new can appear
and begin to unfold
This is how it is with us;
we shed our old
so our new can unfold.
Your petals can appear
and become a rose.
Just a thought!
A
xxx
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 Brian Aird at 08:38 on 01 August 2007
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Hi Beth. Another enjoyable piece. You develop the theme of renewal and then add blossoming or perhaps achieving potential/coming of age(?) in the last line. I like the way you use the analogies abundant in nature to explore the human condition. Others have commented on how the piece could be pruned to improve flow/energy etc so I'll leave you with what you have.
I'm looking forward to reading more
Brian
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 V`yonne at 12:32 on 01 August 2007
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I like the flow of it.
| We shed our old so the new can unfold |
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I think this seems a little too similar to the first verse. Maybe it could use a slant?
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Nik Perring at 20:21 on 04 August 2007
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Not much to add to the fab comments you've already received I'm afraid. Liked it very much.
Nik.
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