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My ex-boss

by little monkey 

Posted: 19 July 2007
Word Count: 476
Summary: Just a short one - less than 500 words that was inspired by my earlier 'book club' posting and my ex-boss ramblings

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“John, I’m sorry, but I refuse. No, No and No. I'm not dressing up as a mummy; there’s no way I’m getting smothered in bandages in front of the whole department. I’m drawing a line, a big thick red one, just here, and I’m not crossing it.”

“Don’t be a stick in the mud.”

“John, people stopped saying stick in the mud about the same time that Enid Blyton’s first ever book was first published.”

“Just bandages around your head then?”

“Not in my job description.”

“Arm then. An arm bandage or a sling for say, when you slip on the wet floor?”

“Okay, okay one sling and all my drinks bought for me on the next work do?”

“Deal” beams John.

One week earlier...

“Morning John,” we say in unison.

“Morning Gang, have you seen the counter on my web page? It’s nearly at 500. That’s brilliant it means that nearly all the staff have read it. Brilliant. Fantabulous. Wonderarama. Health & Safety will be followed, if they take in what they read.”

I try desperately not to stare at Dan, but catch his eye anyway, and we both burst out laughing. We’d spend the best part of yesterday pressing F5 or refresh to inflate his counter figures. By our reckoning only about ten people (who weren’t Dan or me) have viewed the web page.

“You gits, poor John,” whispers Hilary.

“It makes him happy,” I whisper back and then burst out laughing again.

“Okay gang, listen up, how about we put on some funny, hilarious play to really get the Health & Safety message across?”

“Definite no from me,” says Hilary

“Good idea, but I’m far too shy, unlike her,” Dan says pointing at me.

“No, I’m actually very shy. Also, Dan wants to know if you want to go round his house tonight, he’s invited all the other lads?” I retort.

“Fab, defo Dan, what time?”

“Six,” he says giving me a beady evil. “Weren’t you in a play at university?”

“Oh yes, you were, weren’t you? Think I’ve found my leading lady,” says John dancing the locomotion into his office.

Two weeks later...

“Quick! Clumsy Clare and Rule-Breaker Ruth are actually the same person, and she’s coming this way!”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“That was comedy genius.”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“Was it deliberate when John stood on your foot?”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“I was so terrified when the careless cleaner forgot to add the fantabulous wet floor sign. So glad you only broke your arm. Could’ve been so much worse.”

“Fuck off Dan.”

“And, I mean Good Gladys was brilliant when the fire alarm went off, but Rule Breaker Ruth,” Hard laughter “going back to get her mobile, well that’s just rule-breaking crazy…”

“Dan,” I interrupt, “does John know that your Friday lads’ night is a weekly occurrence?”

“I’ll never mention it again.”

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Comments by other Members

Luisa at 16:05 on 19 July 2007  Report this post
LM, I love it! You're a comedy genius!


little monkey at 20:12 on 19 July 2007  Report this post
Thanks Luisa, and you're an all round genius at everything

Lola Dane at 12:53 on 27 July 2007  Report this post
This is why you should be published... NOW...

Is your ex boss my ex boss too???

little monkey at 16:20 on 30 July 2007  Report this post
Awwww, shucks, thanks Lola!!!

Was your ex-boss mental too? Should share stories! Sinead is a cool boss I think. Did you base her on a previous boss?

Back to mental boss, did he read to his wife in bed and wear hawaiian shirts in Winter and Summer, and include chocolate raisins as his 5 a day? (he used to joke that he was eating rabbit droppings Ha ha zzz zzz zzz.)

Ava at 21:52 on 31 July 2007  Report this post
Ha ha very funny LM - how do you do it? xx

little monkey at 12:00 on 03 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks Ava!

And thank you Bege, again, I wish I could employ you full time! xxxx

And so begins my winining the Euromilliions day-dream: 'Oh me? Yes, I have a chef, a personal trainer, a gardner and a Bege.'

kezza at 17:25 on 07 August 2007  Report this post
I loved this too. You are v funny. :)

And are you trying to tell me you *can't* include chocolate raisins in your five a day? ;)

K x

little monkey at 09:08 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks Keris

Chocolate raisins encompass your dairy and fruit intake ;o)

Myrtle at 09:51 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
Just fell upon this - excellent! Giving Ricky Gervais a run for his money :)

little monkey at 12:09 on 10 August 2007  Report this post
Thanks for reading Myrtle :)

biscuit119 at 23:58 on 19 August 2007  Report this post
Hi LM,

I'm very, very late to this but I thought it was hilarious! :)


ang at 07:30 on 04 September 2007  Report this post
Hi LM,
Sorry about delay reading this, BT have cut my line in my new flat and refuse to accept that I have moved in and now live there!
So having to sneak in a quick read at work.
Really enjoyed this, it was so snappy and I could just imagine the scenes perfectly.
Well done!
Angela :)

little monkey at 10:43 on 04 September 2007  Report this post
Thanks for reading and commenting Stacey and Angela!

manicmuse at 16:40 on 09 November 2007  Report this post
Hiya! You've been quiet on the chick lit front and I only just caught sight of this as a random read on the main page. It was fab! I laughed out loud. The repetition of **** off works so well that I'm thinking of using it all the time when someone pisses me off...!

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