Die Sonne Scheint Noch
Posted: 12 July 2007 Word Count: 116 Summary: Is this any good or not?
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As new, as the simple black pen and neatly placed pages of empty paper waiting upon a lonely looking, modestly crafted wooden table - her thoughts were most likely her’s to keep now.
As right, as the half-sided curtain hanging over the only window, but Swastika eyes ruled over right and wrong here. A window just that too high too see out of, even on tip-toes. The words written and prayers smitten make no difference now.
As guilty, as any student with a conscience, she never lost her head until the very end. Her eyes didn’t see an end though, just a passage to a better place - where the sun still shone upon white roses.
Comments by other Members
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Okkervil at 10:57 on 13 July 2007
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Straight off, I like this, but need a chance to ponder on it, not sure what I take from it. The pace and breath of it is very satisfying. Savoured slow lines like 'a window just that too high too see out of, even on tip-toes,' but reckon
As right,
depending which way you look at it, as the half-sided
curtain hanging over the only window, nobody was right here. |
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needs a bit of fiddling with, it doesn't read easily, though I'm not sure that it's simply a stylistic pursuit I don't get.
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V`yonne at 15:20 on 13 July 2007
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Stephen Hi,
To me the passage quoted above was one of my favourites; belief in an afterlife and the curtain as a veil over a window that lets in that light but that we cannot reach.... The fact that we a re flawed and mortal. Loved the way the verses progressed form the unwritten life with all it's creative forces intact, through the dilemas of life, to the guilt, the hope of eternal light like in the sunshine of the title.
As new As right As guilty....
I might have tried to put the prayer into the last stanza but I can't see how...
Does that tell you whether it works?
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hailfabio at 10:40 on 17 July 2007
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Hi, thanks very much for commenting, glad this was enjoyed.
This is a poem about Sophie Scholl, in her final moments before execution - maybe that throws some more light on it.
I agree the curtains lines probably need some work and clearing up.
V'yonne - glad you picked up on the stages and the main themes of light and the sun - perhaps I could incorporate the prayer somehow.
Stepheb
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James Graham at 15:18 on 17 July 2007
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Hi Stephen - I was struggling a bit with this poem and wasn't sure what comment to make, though I liked it. Now you've told us it's about Sophie Scholl, it all opens up. You should find a way to tell the reader this, e.g. 'In memory of Sophie Scholl' as a subtitle, or even main title. Or a German title - 'Denkmal Sophie Scholl' (Memorial to Sophie Scholl...if my German hasn't let me down!). Her story is so tragic and so touching that she deserves to be memorialised even so long after her death.
James.
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hailfabio at 15:31 on 17 July 2007
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Yes thanks James,
I did think about calling it 'Sophie Scholl', but I went for the last words she spoke before her execution - probably a little elaborate. I possibly could make more reference to Sophie in the poem. Do you think?
Stephen
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James Graham at 15:48 on 17 July 2007
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I think you should find a way to name her in the title or subtitle, or even 'for Sophie Scholl' in italics at the foot of the poem. Probably the simplest way would be just to have her name as the title. Details of her story aren't that well known, and it would leave readers in no doubt. (I must have forgotten that those were her last words, because that didn't register with me.) Why conceal her name? - the poem is very much about her, not anyone else.
James.
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hailfabio at 17:40 on 17 July 2007
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Thanks James I agree.
I've changed the second stanza, is it better?
Stephen
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Elsie at 21:22 on 19 July 2007
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Hi Stephen
It makes much more snese to me now I know the subject matter. That makes the last line a nice completion. I don't quite understand 'prayers smitten' ..smitten with..? Prayers struck? i tink you've got something good to work on here.
<Added>
snese=sense
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James Graham at 15:38 on 22 July 2007
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I'm not sure of 'swastika eyes' - the two words don't sit well together. Gestapo eyes? But a mention of a feature of the Third Reich helps the poem to be clearer.
I still think Sophie's name should be attached to the poem somewhere. A subtitle might be best - something like 'In memoriam Sophie Scholl' is far too pretentious, but 'Sophie Scholl 1921-1943' would be matter-of-fact and also remind readers how young she was. It's not necessarily because readers wouldn't know who the poem is about, from Nazi references, or from the title or reference to 'White Rose'. It's that Sophie Scholl deserves to be named.
This is one of my hobby-horses - the need to turn history on its head in a sense, so that we celebrate the resisters and rebels rather than the rulers; you might even say the losers instead of the winners. I've been writing recently about Mary Bryant, the young Cornish woman who was transported to Australia in the late 18th century for petty theft, and who (with the help of other convicts) took the Governor's boat and sailed out of Sydney Harbour and all the way up the coast to Timor. She ended up in Newgate for a time but eventually was pardoned and went home to Cornwall. Mary Bryant and Sophie Scholl are great names in history. They represent the values that should prevail - Sophie much less ambiguously than Mary. You should put Sophie's name to the poem.
James.
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hailfabio at 11:14 on 26 July 2007
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Thanks James,
I thought 'Swastika eyes' was a good image, in the same vein as 'Seeing through rose tinted glasses.
I do think bringing up history in poetry is important and not just to condem the terrible acts of evil but to celebrate the heroes. Somebody else thought that this could be about Ann Boleyn who was beheaded by Henry VIII - I can see similarities.
'Prayers smitten' - as I often do, I went for a bit of poetic licence on this 'phrase', I thought it sounded good and could give a sense of the comfort and security that prayers give us.
Cheers
Stephen
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Jordan789 at 15:48 on 26 July 2007
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Hello. Sorry to have not responded for a long while now, but here goes.
On first read, there's some awkwardness. The first stanza is so jam packed with adjectives, that the reading becomes painstakingly slow. Try this on for size:
As new,
as the black pen
and pages of empty paper
waiting upon a wooden table - her thoughts
were most likely her’s to keep now. |
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Now, the second problem I have with this is the transition and comparison(the break at the hyphen.) I have a hard time seeing and understanding the two comparisons. I guess I am unsure whether her "thoughts" are being called "new" as the opening dignifies, or if the hyphen dictates a sudden change in thought directions, and the "newness" of the paper and pen are a starting point, and the thoughts of her personal thoughts have nothing to do with them.
As right,
as the half-sided curtain hanging over the only window,
but Swastika eyes ruled over right and wrong here.
A window just that too high too see out of,
even on tip-toes. The words written and
prayers smitten make no difference now. |
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There's a problem presenting itself in the form of too much figurative language. Too much abstract imagery, which to me throws the reader off course of the subject. You say this is about an execution--why not use words about an execution? Why not talk about however she died, talk about something directly about her. While the notion comes across of a woman in some sort of dilemma, there's no way we can guess if this is a suicide, an execution, or who knows.
As guilty,
as any student with a conscience, she never
lost her head until the very end. Her eyes
didn’t see an end though, just a passage
to a better place - where the sun still shone
upon white roses. |
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This passage initially made me believe all of this was about a suicide, however I see the "lost her head" part is actually speaking literally, which almost adds a humorous flavor to a poem which is anything but. I don't know if you intended this, or what, and I'm sorry to say I don't really know anything about the background story.
-Jordan
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Tina at 10:23 on 29 July 2007
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Hi
Having taken time to find out who Sophie Scholl was I want to thank you for introducing me to her and the White Rose movement.
I wont engage with the debate about your work except to say that I enjoyed reading it and it has made me stop and think this Sunday morning
Thanks
Tina
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