 Hal Incadenza at 15:19 on 30 June 2007
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I like this a lot, especially today as I watch the rain run into the gutter on a saturday afternoon. I can imagne this perfectly.
But the last line - he wouldn't see the rain run into the sea. He would see it run underground, into sewers and hidden waterways. Or the years would drain out of sight...
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 joanie at 15:39 on 30 June 2007
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Hi Hal. Good to see you. Thanks for reading. Yes, I see what you mean about the last line; I'll have a re-think!
joanie
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joanie at 18:33 on 30 June 2007
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Hello again, Hal. I've re-done the last line and will post soon, but I have thought about this long and hard(!) and wondered whether in fact he sees the rain flowing into the gutters yet (as the last line is detached) he knows that it will eventually end up in the sea. I'm pretty sure that's what I intended.
What do you think?
Many thanks!
joanie
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joanie at 18:35 on 30 June 2007
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I've also changed the title; it's a nightmare, this poetry lark!!
joanie
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Hal Incadenza at 18:44 on 30 June 2007
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maybe just 'out of sight'?
they long last line in II makes it clunky.
I like the new title!
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joanie at 18:47 on 30 June 2007
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Hal, you are absolutely right!! I'll change it.
Thanks
joanie
<Added>
I think your suggested ending works better with the new title. Thanks again.
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 Elsie at 18:59 on 30 June 2007
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Hi joanie
I don't really have a problem with the original end line, as it's a metaphor anyway, he doesn't really see his years mirrored, either. But then, Maybe just 'out of sight'?
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joanie at 19:09 on 30 June 2007
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Thanks Elsie! I'll probably stick with Version II and the new title.
joanie
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 V`yonne at 17:12 on 01 July 2007
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It's metaphorical anyway, you can't see wasted years. It's good the way it is. You leave it.
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joanie at 20:44 on 01 July 2007
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Thanks for reading and responding, Oonah. What a dilemma! I think I shall have to leave this for a while and decide later what to do with it!
joanie
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 James Graham at 22:22 on 01 July 2007
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You'll be climbing the wall after this, Joanie. How about cutting it to only the second stanza? The reader - that's the intelligent, sensitive reader of poetry - immediately grasps the idea of this guy seeing his wasted years going down the drain - and what forms in the reader's mind anyway is something like 'out of sight', 'into oblivion', the sort of thought that naturally follows from the first few lines. The sensitive reader doesn't need to be given that in the first stanza, but needs only the second stanza - he/she gets the picture, anticipates the more expected conclusion, then comes to 'out to sea' which is a real surprise. Leave the first part of the thought process to the reader. See what I mean?
Just the second stanza by itself is top-drawer. We have the mood created by a miserable, wet Saturday - especially Saturday, woudn't be so bad if it was Monday - and a picture of someone seeing his reflection in the rainwater. It's his face, of course, that he sees, and there's a moment of uncomfortable recognition in that for so many of us - when we see our own face in a mirror or a puddle, we get depressed. We can't help thinking of wasted years, or how little time we have left, etc. It's all written in the face we are looking at - or at least we imagine we see it there. This person in your poem has all these gloomy thoughts, but manages to think a really original thought too - my wasted years are going down the drain...and out to sea! They will rise up from the sea into the clouds, and fall again as rain! It's a good metaphor, which seems to suggest that his years may not have been completely wasted after all. The second stanza by itself does all that. I seem to think you've written haiku - this isn't a haiku, but it works in a similar way. Out of a very few lines we can unpack a lot of meaning. So...multum in parvo?
James.
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joanie at 22:30 on 01 July 2007
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James! I should have been more precise; there are two versions here. EITHER Version 1, which ends 'and out to sea'/i] OR Version II, which ends 'out of sight'.
I prefer my original one, which is the one which you prefer, I think.
Thanks for your response!
joanie
<Added>
Wrong italics - sorry!
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James Graham at 20:55 on 02 July 2007
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I'm thick as two planks. Of course there are two versions here! Your original is the one I prefer, for all the reasons I gave in the second half of my comment - for 'second stanza' read 'original version', which is multum, multum in parvo.
James.
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Okkervil at 09:08 on 10 July 2007
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I made the same mistake and took it as one poem (I think a wee subtitle is missing somewhere), and prefer the piece ending 'out to sea' as well. In fact, I like it a lot. I wondered if 'wasted' worked best as the word that you might use, though. I mean, it seems a bit irrevocable- it's all very well those years floating out to sea, but they're wasted, so what of it? I have the gist of this, and so don't see it as a dour piece, but if I think hard and obtusely about it, I could perceive it to have no hope. What about squandered, or neglected or something a bit less terminal? Both of those are rubbish suggestions, but I didn't want to be a cad and use paper recklessly without planting a sapling in the Highlands.
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joanie at 12:04 on 10 July 2007
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Thanks for reading and commenting, James! Yes, I've added a title for the first version now.
I know what you mean about the wasted. I've read it again and wonder if it could be dropped altogether.
Mirrored
in the paving stones
of a rain-soaked Saturday
he sees
his years flowing
into the gutters
and out to sea. |
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joanie
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Jordan789 at 21:46 on 11 July 2007
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Hey Joanie,
I also like the original better, as it has a bit more of a la-de-da lacksadaisical finish, which helps combat okkervil's suggestion also. I don't think the word 'wasted' is too terminal, as the poem's character, like the weather, will too change. Fun, sharp read.
-Jordan
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