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by radavies1uk 

Posted: 09 June 2007
Word Count: 238
Summary: Trying to play with onomatopeaic words and tension building. Does this work?

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She draws a knife from the solid beech block, slowing as the blade screams against the sealed wood hugging its razor sharp edge. The clicking of her feet against the cold tiled floor sounding like a siren announcing her arrival, click, clack, click, clack.
She feels her heartbeat in her ears, in her throat, and right down to the base of her feet, there’s no way she should be here now.
She approaches the bottom step, looking back at every single one of the thousands of times her feet had stepped this case, searching for the boards those that crack and creak, weighing each place of her shoe as she creeps up one new height after another, ever closer to the cause of her concern.
Two steps from the summit and the banging in her temples drowns out the sound of the world outside, the pumping and buzzing in her ears, silent yet deafening. Not knowing what lies in wait beyond that solid-oak door she knows so well, she freezes a moment.
One step, two, inches to go, she leans in. The cold knob in her palm turns quietly until, clunk; the door swings free, the line of bright light a blade across her eye, blinded for just one moment.
Two deafening pumps of her heart and she sees again, clear as day. She shouts
“Honey, oh my god! You’re home, I wasn’t expecting you till next week.”

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Comments by other Members

Forbes at 15:25 on 09 June 2007  Report this post
Hi Rad

I think it is very rich in words. Maybe words for their own sake - not to tell the story. I take your point about playing with onomatopeaic words - but I think they should be part of the story - not the reason for writing - you know?

You could prune this some, and still use the onomatopeaic idea.

Why not have a go at Flash Fiction. there are 2 groups and I'm sure there must be a vacancy in one or other. (I'm in Flash I).

Flash is very good at getting one to write to a deadline, limiting words and writing to a topic - not of your choice. Good discipline, good fun - and very addictive.

Hope to see u there



radavies1uk at 17:18 on 09 June 2007  Report this post
Hi Forbes

Aye, I'm in Flash II, this is posted in there.
I know it's a bit lengthy for a flash, but not quite a short, so had to compromise ;)
I quite enjoy flash, but always feel like I should be doing more ;)


V`yonne at 12:18 on 10 June 2007  Report this post
It works as an exercise but I agree there has to be a reason for the form of a piece. It overpowers the tension in this case. I liked the story for itself though.

Forbes at 14:45 on 10 June 2007  Report this post
Sorry Rad

I'd come from reading you in Short Stories and got confused!

I'll lay off the wine.


radavies1uk at 16:41 on 10 June 2007  Report this post
hehe, no worries, I kinda just write, then figure out how to classify it :)

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