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Peter`s Day

by radavies1uk 

Posted: 03 June 2007
Word Count: 413
Summary: I've been offline for a LONG while. Thought I'd post some stuff I've recently typed up from notepads. Any feedback would be great, be harsh as you can :)
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Peter trundled across his office floor, passing the tops of aging heads just visible over the sky-blue cubicle dividers, sat at his Spartan desk with his little plastic cup of coffee, and started to type.
Numbers filled his spreadsheet, cell by cell, total columns flicking green, green, red, green, red, green. His eyes shifted to the usual far-away stare.
He let out a quiet sigh.

*

The bus pulled out from the kerb into the busy traffic, jolting Peter left-to-right as he climbed the sky-blue stairs to the top deck.
He sat; relieved at the availability of a window seat his eyes brightened a little.
Staring at that middle-distance view he'd seen a thousand times before, he rocked gently with the sway of the bus.
He let out a quiet sigh.

*

The cold air from the small freezer compartment brushed past. Peter breathed it in with a long and leisurely blink and retrieved a plastic tray at random. He closed the fridge and prodded holes in its frosted cover with a fork.
Setting the timer on the microwave and placing his tray in the centre, he turned back to the large TV across from the sky-blue sofa.
He let out a quiet sigh.

*

The noise of the flushing toilet filled the small, tiled room. Peter turned to the wash basin, passed the towel from his shoulders to the warming rack and prepared his sky-blue toothbrush.
He brushed quickly, watching his head wobble with each stroke, rinsed and gargled, pausing to the look himself in the eye.
He let out a quiet sigh.

*

The clock across the room blinked over to 23:00 as Peter positioned his bookmark and placed the closed book upon the pile of others on his bedside table.
He took a sip from the small glass of water and flicked off the lamp. Adjusting his sky-blue pillow he lay back.
He let out a quiet sigh.

*

Peter opened his eyes and stared at the light pink ceiling above him. The sun left a streak of light across his face as he dragged himself upright. His eyes snapped shut with the sudden glow and he pushed himself to the centre of the bed.

'Daddy!' his door burst open and he turned to look as a bright-eyed girl exploded onto the end of his bed.
'Dad, Dad, Dad! Get Up! Come On! Mum says we're all going to the zoo today. Get up!'
He let out a quiet smile.






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Comments by other Members



Becca at 19:34 on 04 June 2007  Report this post
Hi Robert,
I think your writing here is controlled and has a good precision about it.
I liked the change from blue to pink and the sudden revealing of his circumstances at the end, and the way his awful boredom with his daily life, in the end, is extinguished by the arrival of his daughter exploding onto the end of his bed, (I liked the way you wrote this). I'm not sure I have read anything else of yours. My most harsh comment to you would be to write every single day from now onwards to keep going what you've got started in the business of writing, because you've got something on the go.
Becca
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radavies1uk at 20:12 on 04 June 2007  Report this post
Thanks Becca
I've been trying to write everyday but it's always hard to keep disciplined. I'm finding recently that it's a lot easier to find time to write on paper than sitting at a computer, have a load of notes I'll write up and post :)

Thanks Muchly
Bob
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Forbes at 21:39 on 04 June 2007  Report this post
I too liked this - almost a poem but with no rhyming bits! Thnak goodness - I don't "do" poetry very well. But this was poetic, in it's way.

As it progressed I felt it could have gone either way - but you gave hima happy ending. Nice stuff.

Get the rest typed up sometime - but keep on scribbling on those blank pads!

TFR

Forbes
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MF at 11:46 on 06 June 2007  Report this post
Hi there,

I'm not sure if this piece is consciously attempting a postmodern feel (ie. lack of clear narrative or link between scenes), but I wasn't completely convinced. The distant tone is very "tell-ish", which in some ways is well suited to the sense of social alienation that we get over the course of Peter's day...but I didn't feel that the simple language was powerful enough to press home a really strong "point". This seems to be the story of a guy in a boring job who looks forward to the weekend...but what I think you need to ask yourself is, why should we care? Can this be expanded or developed to bring us inside Peter's mind? Or is his life really so flat, so bland?

The shifting colour symbolism felt slightly heavyhanded, although I liked where you were going with it. Do watch out for lazy adjectives - five in the first sentence alone...

I'd definitely echo what Becca's said about setting time aside to write every day. You've got good ideas and the raw materials, but for a reader to be challenged/excited/satisfied you need to go that extra mile!


Best,
T
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radavies1uk at 12:16 on 06 June 2007  Report this post
Hi Forbes/Trilby

Thanks, I'd managed to avoid many 'ly' adjectives and tried to keep to basic words to keep it simple and brief, although I see what you mean about the lazy adjectives. Any tips?

I'd split it intentionally into bite-size chunks, seeing it in my head as a movie-style scene-fade (more advert-y I guess).
The use of colour was a later addition as the blue appeared in two and pink in the latter, then I shoe-horned it in for the others, not particularly graceful ;)

I had thought to expand this into a longer story, investigating his desires more fully and hmm, well... torturing Pater by teasing him with this family he could never attain, but decided to leave it shorter, if anyone would be interested to see the fully and more painful story (the one that's in my head) I'll post, anyone?

Thanks Muchly
Bob
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Forbes at 23:36 on 06 June 2007  Report this post
I was really impressed by MF.

I still think the piece has it's own charm.. I re read it and I hope you won't be offended when I say that it reminded me of the narrative you find accompanying picutres in a child's book - but told about an adult. I could even picture the drawings almost!

A lot can be said in a few words - try flash fiction. Maybe you need to tighten up some of the stuff.

But I liked it

Forbes

<Added>

You could even use each "verse" as the "forward" to a short story in a series.

Just a thought



<Added>

OR use the verses as a springboard for chapters in a novella

I'll shut up now!
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MF at 08:37 on 07 June 2007  Report this post
In terms of adjectives, I'd say that less is almost always more (and this is from an only recently reformed adjective-abuser!) Otherwise, one apt image or word - something powerful and original - will go much, much farther than something like, oh I don't know, "little" (although "little" can be powerful word in itself...to describe a paper cup I think it's a bit dull).

But what Forbes has said has made me think. You could certainly expand this (I'm sure no one would mind a re-posting!) OR you could cut it down dramatically, to something Flash-like. I don't know anything about Flash, but it could be worth checking out that group to see if the style appeals...

T
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radavies1uk at 14:43 on 07 June 2007  Report this post
Hi Guys

Thanks, I think I'll work it up to something a bit more storyish, it was the idea I started with but lazyness and convenience I think brought me to this format instead :)

Thanks
Bob
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