Ladies and gentlemen, there’s been a lot of talk in the media about an incident involving Hollywood star and “Buddha Boy” Richard Gere and beautiful Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. At an AIDS awareness event in India and in front of the world’s media, Gere grabbed Miss Shetty and, quote:


“…twirled her in his arms, arched her over and kissed her several times on the cheek…”


GERE/SHETTY PIC


This broke strict Indian decency laws and led to calls for Mr Gere’s arrest. However, earlier this week, India’s Supreme Court relented and granted Gere a temporary reprieve.

Folks, I can identify with Miss Shetty…I know, I know, I’m not a doe-eyed dusky beauty being ravished by a rugged American actor. That’s something I rarely think about – but Nation, need I remind you of this?

PIC OF JANE FONDA ON STEPHEN'S LAP KISSING HIM AGAINST HIS WILL FROM A RECENT INTERVIEW


Jane Fonda, I have my own decency law – this is my show, and guests may not touch me! I know it’s difficult - I mean I am a prime piece of man-meat - but guests, sit on those hands if you need to! That’s how they do it in the strip clubs. One imagines.

Regular viewers of the Report will remember that I recently put my fantasies about Jane Fonda “On Notice”. Now despite my “Fonda-ling”, I’m a fair man, and inspired by this story, I am also granting a reprieve… fellas! Bring out the big boards!

GUYS BRING OUT THE “ON NOTICE” BOARD AND THE “FANTASIES” BOARD AND PLACE THEM ON EITHER SIDE OF THE DESK.


OK, let’s see…

TAKES “JANE FONDA FANTASIES” STRIP OUT OF THE “ON NOTICE” BOARD

There we go… (LOOKS AT STRIP. WONDERS ALOUD) …well I can’t put it back on the Fantasies Board….uh….fellas? Bring out the “Fantasies Realized” board!

FELLAS BRING OUT THE “FANTASIES REALIZED” BOARD AND REMOVE THE “FANTASIES” BOARD

What do we have here…Danced with Karl Rove…Disproved Evolution…Nailed “The Hammer” – eat it, DeLay! - …uh… Got Bikini Wax…well, technically that was a dream, so I suppose I should take that out…

TAKES IT OUT AND REACHES UNDER THE DESK FOR THE BOX OF STRIPS, FROM WHICH HE PRODUCES A “MADE OUT WITH JANE FONDA” STRIP.

HE SLIDES STRIP INTO EMPTY SLOT ON “FANTASIES REALIZED” BOARD

There. Now, Nation, everyone knows that once a fantasy has been realised it no longer has power over you – and to prove it, roll it Jimmy!

V.T. OF JANE FONDA KISSING STEPHEN…ON A LOOP

(YELLS, ALMOST HYPER-VENTILATING) TAKE IT DOWN JIMMY! TAKE IT DOWN! OK, I’m still working on that – the point is, “Hano-no-no Jane” – you’re off the hook for now, but I DARE you to come back on this show and try that again! And if Porizkova, or Fergie think they can come on here and try any of that funny business, bring it on! I will get Colbert-licious!

PIC OF STEPHEN ENRAGED AND POINTING

Movin’ on…