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Falling Apart
Posted: 10 May 2007
Word Count: 67
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Falling Apart.
Save me from insanity
My thoughts are shifting shapelessly
My shadow creeps and crawls behind
The scattered fragments of my mind
The tentacles of tension tear
My fading flesh and greying hair
My clamped shut eyes convey confusion
Blindly blanking out delusion.
Shattered nerves and shaking hands
Praying someone understands
Fists worn down and throat bone dry
Too tight to scream, too numb to cry.
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Comments by other Members
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 Account Closed at 13:23 on 11 May 2007
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Ooh, nice punchy beat to this - I enjoyed it, and I think it will also be a good performance rap piece too!
I think you need "hair" at the end of line 6 though.
Wonderfully bleak.
A
xxx
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Epona Love at 15:49 on 11 May 2007
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Thanks Holly, and thank you for pointing out the obvious mistake! yes, thats what I get for typing in a hurry!
Emma x
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Beanie Baby at 08:29 on 15 May 2007
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This is great! It swings along with brilliant rhythmn and captures the attention from the first word. One small comment - not sure about "Blindly blanking" - the repeat of the 'bl' sound kind of reduces the flow and reminded me of a line from one of the Adrian Mole diaires by Sue Townsend, where Adrian writes in one of his novels "..blindly, blinking back big blurry tears ..". Wondered if you could use something like "steadfastly blanking" (which does fit despite the extra syllable)or even "boldly blanking" which has a slightly softer sound. Only a suggestion, but there you go.
Excellent poem, thanks for sharing.
Beanie
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joolsk at 09:02 on 21 May 2007
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I loved the rhythm of this and felt that it really added to the content instead of distracting from it. Like Beanie I found I tripped over blindling blanking but that's just one tiny thing in a poem that I really enjoyed.
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 Nell at 08:48 on 03 June 2007
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Hi Epona,
Exact and wonderful imagery - I especially like
My shadow creeps and crawls behind
The scattered fragments of my mind |
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and
The tentacles of tension tear
My fading flesh and greying hair |
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It's good to know that end-rhyme hasn't been abandoned - this is the second poem with end-rhymes I've read today and it's only 8.36! I sometimes think that one of the reasons poetry has lost mainstream popularity is directly linked to the abandonment of rhyme by many modern poets.
It's interesting that you've used so many many abstract words and made them work - no mean feat! I think it's the way you seem to have thought of them as material things and then made something happen to them or made them visually active, especially vivid in that last quote above.
Nell
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 deyofthephoenix at 15:19 on 21 June 2007
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As a recently admitted group member, I just read your poem. This line cuts very well:
| Fists worn down and throat bone dry |
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- Melissa
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 Brian Aird at 11:22 on 30 June 2007
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This piece is deceptively simple. Its a fragment of rage screamed out loud.
Brilliant.
I'll have to visit this group more often!
Brian
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portobelloprincess at 00:16 on 13 August 2007
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I am so glad that I found your work. I have been reading and reviewing poetry for about 2 years now and have yet to read a poem that conveys, with such depth and emotion, the feeling of despair. you are immensly gifted as a poet and I will read more of your work.
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