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Harry Singh and the . . . oooh still can`t think of a title

by Murphy 

Posted: 08 May 2007
Word Count: 1235
Summary: Same book but here Harry visits a Free Church to investigate an apparent suicide of a young woman.
Related Works: Harry Singh Novel 2 (Can`t think of a title!). • 

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It didn’t strike Harry as odd that the Halebury Church of Christ should be located on one of the business parks on the outskirts of town. After all, the Sikh temple had taken over a disused warehouse and no one had seemed bothered. What did surprise him, in this apparently Godless society, was the car-park; it was heaving. Having completed two circuits, without finding a space, he bumped his Audi up on the kerb, right outside the entrance, switched off the engine and got out.
He gave the building a cursory glance. A standard metal-clad unit, non-descript beige, just like the rest. If it hadn’t been for the imposing notice board listing personnel and the times of services you’d have no idea it was here. A look at his watch told him it was 8:15. The board told him the service started at 6:30. Surely they must be nearly done. Was he right to call on Sunday? He thought so. It was the one day he’d guarantee meeting the man in charge. He ran his finger down the board until he found what he was looking for: Pastor Geert van de Sar.
He walked the short distance to the double glass doors, pulled the right-hand one open and stepped into large foyer. To the right where doors leading to toilets, to the left another door marked kitchen and a large serving hatch through which he could see an urn gently hissing steam. Straight ahead another pair of double doors though which he could make out rows of shoulders and heads all facing forward, and all the women appeared to be wearing hats. At the front, a tall man, who looked a bit like Lurch from the Adams family, was parading up and down, pounding the air with his clenched fist. Whatever he was saying was just a series of low mumbles; the sound-proofing was almost doing its job.
Everyone rose and started to sway to what Harry heard as a faint strain of music. Several members of the congregation raised their arms and waived their hands. He recognised the dance. It couldn’t be? But it did look like it; Bhangra. Perhaps they weren’t so weird after all. He nudged the door open a crack, Bhangra it wasn’t. The music and singing stopped and the tall man began to talk again in an unmistakable American accent.
‘Brothers and sisters it’s been so good to share our time this evening. It’s especially good to see all the young people here tonight. Do you know that so many of the town’s other young people are in pubs tonight?’ The tall man stretched forward and coaxed a low murmur from the congregation. ‘I can see there are one or two new faces here this evening. If you’ve been touched by anything, if Jesus has spoken to you, just raise your hand. There’s no need to stand up or anything. Just raise your hand. Someone will come and pray with you. Just raise your hand.’
Harry could see a number of hands being raised. One was dyed blue with tattoos and belonged to a thick-set skin-head who seemed to be crying into the lap of the elderly lady sitting next to him.
Looking up Harry saw the tall man step down from what must have been some sort of staging. Harry walked forward his arm raised to attract the man’s attention.
‘No need to stand. We’ll find a quiet corner and pray together.’ A voice whispered in his ear.
‘Sorry,’ said Harry, swinging round.
‘Your hand.’ A blue suited man, with plastic looking skin and gum-shield teeth, pointed at Harry’s arm. ‘You’ve raised your hand.’
‘Eh? Oh, sorry I was just trying to get the, what you call them, Pastor’s attention.’
‘And now you have it.’
Harry felt a tingle ripple up his spine. Turning round he looked what seemed like a long way up at the face of the tall man.
‘You must be Geert, Geert van de Sar.’
‘And you?’
‘Inspector Harry Singh, Halebury CID.’ He held his warrant card just beneath the pastor’s nose. ‘It’s about the girl we pulled out of the river. Is there somewhere we can¬—’
‘Talk? Of course, Inspector, please follow me.’
They walked to the front of the Church where the pastor led Harry into a small office and closed the door behind them. There was a table underneath a window on top of which was a laptop computer; the screen was displaying a flying angel as the screen saver. Towards the back wall was a pine desk with chairs either side. The room smelt of new wood.
‘Please.’ The pastor gestured to a chair in front of the desk before taking the seat behind. ‘How can I help?’ Considering one of his members had just died he didn’t seem all that concerned.
Harry took a photograph from his breast pocket and placed it on the desk in front of the pastor. ‘Did you know this girl?’
Van de Sar shook his head slowly and picked up the photograph. ‘Tragic. Such a waste. She was His, you know, and now . . .’ Another shake of the head.
‘And now . . . ?’
‘Lost, lost forever to the evil one. Satan has claimed his reward for tormenting her soul. She was weak, Inspector, as all flesh is weak. But God gives the power to stand firm against all the gates of hell in Halebury, to those who are faithful. ’ He slid the photograph back towards the inspector.
So that was all that the pastor had to say about one of his ex-flock? ‘I was rather hoping you could let me know a bit about her involvement with the church when she was alive, not what might have happened to her since.’
‘Oh. She came once or twice from what I recall. I didn’t have too much contact with her. There are so many. The harvest is great but the helpers are few.’
‘So you didn’t know she’d just had a child?’
Van de Sar looked at the desk-top and spoke without raising his head. ‘We did know there’d been a problem.’ Now he looked up. ‘But she’d stopped coming here quite a while ago. We sort of lost contact.’
Harry tried hard not to shake his head. A problem, lost contact; what sort of a church was this? He was sure the pastor knew more than he was letting on. ‘What about anyone else?’
‘Oh, I’ll ask around for you, Inspector.’
‘Thanks.’ Harry fished a card from his inside pocket and gave it to van de Sar. ‘You just do that.’ He stood and turned to leave.
‘What about you, Harry?’
‘Eh?’
‘Where will He find you, if He comes for your soul tonight?’
Harry took two hurried steps to the door and let himself out slamming it behind him.
He kept up his hurried steps all the way to the foyer, the last words of Lurch still rattling around his head, when he felt a tug at his elbow.
‘It’s about her, isn’t it?’
Harry turned round to see the woman who had been comforting the skin-head being led away by the man with the gum-shield teeth. He thought about following but decided he’d come back another time when he could speak with the woman alone. He felt himself shudder. Halebury Church of Christ – you’re welcome to it.






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Comments by other Members



Corona at 07:50 on 11 May 2007  Report this post
Hi,
This piece reads well! My only nit would be that Harry seems to get the pastor's attention rather fast. I mean - this is a REAL nit, so discard it if it seems so. (haven't had my morning coffee yet!) I just felt that he raises his arm after just entering, concurrent with several others of the congregation and suddenly the pastor's up close, talking to him. Had they met before perhaps and the pastor made a bee line for him? I just felt he should have struggled a bit more for attention, that's all!

A typo?

‘Sorry,’ said Harry, swinging round.
- 'Sorry?' (missing ?)

All the best

E-

Murphy at 08:12 on 11 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for that, Erik. I think I blasted this one out quite quickly and wasn't sure on the mechanics of who did what and when.

I guess (although not wearing a turban) Harry would stick out a bit as someone new with a tanned complexion. Whether that would make him a target for the top man I don't know!

But yes there are loads of ways to play these things. Does he swing round, then turn back to see the pastor disappearing into his office and have to follow him and interrupt him? Maybe he could catch him unawares as he tries to hide something: a clue or red herring for later?

I shall drop a note in the text to remind me when I go back to it.

Thanks again.


Xena at 19:30 on 13 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Dave,


It flows nicely and keeps attention effortlessly. I can’t see fundamental deficiencies here, just some small things:



Straight ahead another pair of double doors though which he could make out rows of shoulders and heads all facing forward, and all the women appeared to be wearing hats.


Is that through instead of though?


Whatever he was saying was just a series of low mumbles; the sound-proofing was almost doing its job.


It seems to me what he was saying wasn't a series of mumbles, it's the way it reached Harry was. Is that right? He couldn't hear what was said because of the sound-proofing, it's not that it was uttered as a mumble. So, perhaps 'whatever he was saying reached Harry as a series of low mumbles' or something like that.


Xena.


Murphy at 20:40 on 13 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the read, picks and encouragement, Xena. I'll put the thing to rights!

Account Closed at 18:49 on 26 May 2007  Report this post
Hi, nice chapter!

in this apparently Godless society, was the car-park;
this paragraph and this sentence made me smile...:) some other really nice touches like that throughout which for me shows your style very distinctly. Nice.

So that was all that the pastor had to say about one of his ex-flock?
this maybe read more of a first person sentence to me - where it was at that moment - another place it might not have. could just be me!

The only thing was the description before the dialogue I think could be trimmed a tiny bit, but otherwise, nothing really popped out to me.

Post more soon...

Murphy at 15:22 on 27 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the read, Alex. Post more soon? I'll have to write some more soon! It has been an unproductive couple of weeks for writing and reading I'm afraid.

Cheers
Murphy

BigSmile at 18:47 on 27 May 2007  Report this post
This reads well and I enjoyed it. My tuppence worth:

2nd para: "stepped into large foyer" - I think this is missing an 'a' or 'the'.

I agree with the comment above that Harry seems to get the pastor's attention too quickly.

"You just do that" - this dialogue sounds a bit antagonistic/rude - I'm not convinced a police officer soliciting help from someone he hardly knows would actually speak that way to them.

Hope this helps

Simon

Murphy at 06:59 on 28 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the read and comments, Simon. I'll think about an alternative meet for the two and see how it scans.

Cheers
Murphy

strangefish at 14:45 on 29 May 2007  Report this post
Hi Murphy,

Nice pace of writing here but I'm afraid I got quite lost in the middle of it... there were a few parts that threw me: ie, you have Harry put his hand up to attract the Pastor while he sis till wrapping up a service -- would an experienced copper do this or hang back and then go in for the kill; and you introduce the discovery of a girl's body in speech and then say that she was a member of the church, but this is the first time we the reader have heard of her. Was it in an earlier chapter that we haven't seen? It's just a wee bit confusing for me.

What did surprise him, in this apparently Godless society, was the car-park; it was heaving.

Heaving implies movement, usually of people -- perhaps just "full" or "packed".

waived their hands

waved


So that was all that the pastor had to say about one of his ex-flock?

it's still his flock. Perhaps you mean an ex member of his flock?

‘What about you, Harry?’

Would the paster really be this familiar? I think Mr Singh would sound better.

Harry turned round to see the woman who had been comforting the skin-head being led away by the man with the gum-shield teeth.

This reads a little clunky, it looks like the skin head is the one being lead away.

Murphy at 16:00 on 29 May 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the read and comments, Michael. I'm afraid I'm one of those who writes out of sequence and stuck this bit up as I think it's a bit of a change of mood from the opening.

I'll put your picks on the list.

Cheers


Account Closed at 11:22 on 22 June 2007  Report this post
Really enjoyed this - love the character, and the mystery is really mounting. They're all hiding something for sure (my money's on the pastor being the father, you know!). I'm afraid I've not much to add to the comments that have already been made - though I do agree that there might be more trouble attracting the pastor's attention first off.

Love it though!

A
xxx

Murphy at 19:01 on 22 June 2007  Report this post
Thanks, Anne.

Yes, everone's hiding something but will they all get copped? Pastor being the father? Isn't that mixing faiths? It's not far off though!


Irina at 15:55 on 17 July 2007  Report this post
Hi Murphy

Sorry this is so late, I'm still trying to catch up on crits - hope it's still useful!

Right, enjoyed this - nice, zippy pace, good sense of place and atmsophere (really liked "The tall man stretched forward and coaxed a low murmur from the congregation." "The room smelt of new wood" - just little details but they felt very well observed) and intriguing plot that seems to be unfolding nicely. Would defintiely read on.

Like other people I wasn't quite sure about the pastor zeroing in on Harry, but I think that's already been pointed out exhaustively!

I also wondered if maybe it might be possible to see a bit more of Harry's reactions to the pastor? Right now the language is very neutral, and while we're defintiely in Harry's PoV, we don’t seem to be given much access to his thoughts. I'm just thinking of other crime books (all hail Rankin etc) where a main character's reaction to someone can tells us as much about that character's state of mind as about the new person. For instance the line "Considering one of his members had just died he didn’t seem all that concerned." was interesting about the pastor, but told me nothing about Harry. As an experienced policeman is he used to people breaking down? Does this lack of reaction making him suspicious? Or is he more worried about getting this over with so he can drown his sorrows/tamper with some evidence/track down his arch-nemesis?

The same a couple of lines down:

Harry tried hard not to shake his head. A problem, lost contact; what sort of a church was this? He was sure the pastor knew more than he was letting on.


This is fine, there's nothing *wrong* with this at all, but it feels a little ...flat. All it's doing is reiiterating the dialogue - that there is something up - it gives us nothing more about Harry and his reaction to the pastor. This is really nitpicky, and does depend a lot on what you want to do with the character. It just occurred, that while there's an intriguing plot, there doesn’t seem to be much sub-text to develop your MC (which I remember more of from the first part of this? Though that WAS a while ago).

Anyway. Greeat stuff and hope that's at all useful.

elizabeth

Murphy at 18:23 on 17 July 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the comments, Elizabeth. I do struglle with my mc's thoughts - how much to reveal and how much is interesting to folks!


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