Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
by 
Mellers
|
Posted: 05 May 2007 Word Count: 577 Summary: Stephen Colbert was a correspondent on "The Daily Show" and now hosts his own show on Comedy Central. He plays a bombastic right wing pundit. Colbert describes "Stephen Colbert" as a "well-intentioned, ill-informed, high-status idiot" Among the character's quirks are a deep respect for George W. Bush and fears about his sexuality. Colbert invites viewers to submit ideas. I submitted this after John Travolta was proven to have a bigger impact on the environment than most |
|
STEPHEN:
Nation, it is time to raise the roof and bring the hammer down! This is…
“Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger”!
Tonight’s Tip o’ the Hat goes to snake-hipped Scientologist John Travolta.
According to a British study JT’s carbon footprint - the amount of carbon dioxide or CO2 emitted by a business or individual through the combustion of fossil fuels every year - is one hundred times greater than that of the average British citizen. This is due to the fact that he owns and flies 5 private jets.
(graphic of Travolta’s jets at his home)
Bravo, John, bravo.
Now I know you ferret huggers out there are going to be up in arms, but people, by flying so many planes and burning so much fuel, not only is John Travolta ensuring the government earns more tax dollars from the sale of aviation fuel, but he’s helping us, Nation, in our bid to get to newly discovered earth-like planet Gliese 581 quicker so we can claim it for the USA. You see if we pollute more, the scientists are going to have to come up with a way to get us there sooner! Folks, if we don’t do it, the British will – they have a history.
But John’s making some concessions. In order to offset the effects of his fuel consumption on the “environment” he’s using a lot less hairspray these days.
And that brings us to tonight’s Wag o’ the Finger, which goes to…John Travolta.
Travolta, start using hairspray again! Starring in a film CALLED “Hairspray” doesn’t count! Spike that mane up there! Two can minimum - I want you looking like Bonnie Tyler in a wind tunnel!
And another thing! You are not using nearly enough fuel! Five jets? Five jets?! At my house I have to shove five jets out of the way so I can see my other ten jets! Oh, yeah, fifteen jets! That’s right, JT! Eat it! And speaking of eating it, I am. I’ve embarked on "Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream Ice Cream Diet" – TRADEMARK! - in order to gain enough weight so that every time I fly I take up three seats and raise the aeroplane’s fuel consumption by another couple of hundred gallons.
We need to colonise Gliese first and how are we going to do that if I stop using my coal powered hairdryer? Oh, yeah, I am rackin’ up the carbon credits!
And washing clothes at forty degrees? Not a chance. I wash all my clothes at two hundred and forty degrees, because let me tell ya – these colors never run…!
(pic of Stars and stripes)
“But Stephen!” I hear the enviro-nags cry from their yurts “You should help the earth by having your vehicle modified!” Oh, I had my Hummer modified alright – I had it modified to run on pure kerosene!
(pic of Stephen’s Hummer with huge flames and black smoke coming from the exhaust)
That’s the stuff right there, Nation! Now - if I could get more than 100 yds to the gallon, that thing would run faster than Paris Hilton from a slammer shower block. On the upside I’m never going to die of second hand cigarette smoke. Nobody lights up in that baby!
Travolta, get your act together. Fill that swimming pool up with jet fuel, set it on fire and let it burn night and day like an eternal flame. We’re goin’ to Gliese.
Movin’ on…
Nation, it is time to raise the roof and bring the hammer down! This is…
“Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger”!
Tonight’s Tip o’ the Hat goes to snake-hipped Scientologist John Travolta.
According to a British study JT’s carbon footprint - the amount of carbon dioxide or CO2 emitted by a business or individual through the combustion of fossil fuels every year - is one hundred times greater than that of the average British citizen. This is due to the fact that he owns and flies 5 private jets.
(graphic of Travolta’s jets at his home)
Bravo, John, bravo.
Now I know you ferret huggers out there are going to be up in arms, but people, by flying so many planes and burning so much fuel, not only is John Travolta ensuring the government earns more tax dollars from the sale of aviation fuel, but he’s helping us, Nation, in our bid to get to newly discovered earth-like planet Gliese 581 quicker so we can claim it for the USA. You see if we pollute more, the scientists are going to have to come up with a way to get us there sooner! Folks, if we don’t do it, the British will – they have a history.
But John’s making some concessions. In order to offset the effects of his fuel consumption on the “environment” he’s using a lot less hairspray these days.
And that brings us to tonight’s Wag o’ the Finger, which goes to…John Travolta.
Travolta, start using hairspray again! Starring in a film CALLED “Hairspray” doesn’t count! Spike that mane up there! Two can minimum - I want you looking like Bonnie Tyler in a wind tunnel!
And another thing! You are not using nearly enough fuel! Five jets? Five jets?! At my house I have to shove five jets out of the way so I can see my other ten jets! Oh, yeah, fifteen jets! That’s right, JT! Eat it! And speaking of eating it, I am. I’ve embarked on "Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream Ice Cream Diet" – TRADEMARK! - in order to gain enough weight so that every time I fly I take up three seats and raise the aeroplane’s fuel consumption by another couple of hundred gallons.
We need to colonise Gliese first and how are we going to do that if I stop using my coal powered hairdryer? Oh, yeah, I am rackin’ up the carbon credits!
And washing clothes at forty degrees? Not a chance. I wash all my clothes at two hundred and forty degrees, because let me tell ya – these colors never run…!
(pic of Stars and stripes)
“But Stephen!” I hear the enviro-nags cry from their yurts “You should help the earth by having your vehicle modified!” Oh, I had my Hummer modified alright – I had it modified to run on pure kerosene!
(pic of Stephen’s Hummer with huge flames and black smoke coming from the exhaust)
That’s the stuff right there, Nation! Now - if I could get more than 100 yds to the gallon, that thing would run faster than Paris Hilton from a slammer shower block. On the upside I’m never going to die of second hand cigarette smoke. Nobody lights up in that baby!
Travolta, get your act together. Fill that swimming pool up with jet fuel, set it on fire and let it burn night and day like an eternal flame. We’re goin’ to Gliese.
Movin’ on…
| Favourite this work | Favourite This Author |
|
Comments by other Members
Other work by Mellers:
|
