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I have come back for revenge

by kish 

Posted: 04 April 2003
Word Count: 158
Summary: It's about a girl named Amilia who fell in love with a young boy at their High school.Amilia was run off the road by a mysterious black car on night on her way to meet her boyfriend. She never saw her killer, so she came back from the grave to find out who killed her and have her revenge.

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Amilia was on her way to meet Haydon,her boyfriend,when in her rearview mirror she saw the headlights of a car. She hated driving the roads alone, so she slowed down to let the car pass, but it didn't. It came up close to her car and smashed into the back of her car. Amilia blew her horn and sped up. The mysterious black car sped up just the same.Then the black car came up side by side with Amilia's car and started hitting it, as if trying to run her off the road.
They came to a corner and the black car hit Amilia's car close to edge of the cliff. Amilia gained control and slowed down. The driver in the black car sensed this and proceeded to smash into her car again. Amilia's car went over the cliff an fell into the deep blue sea below. The driver of the black car sped off, never looked back.

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Comments by other Members

dhuldhul1 at 15:15 on 05 April 2003  Report this post
I like the way you describe this scene in detail, however, perhaps it should have started with the initial knock...when the black car ramms into hers from behind. Also, was it raining, snowing, was the raod dark and windy? Or was is it set in the unsuspecting bliss of Montana?
Cheers for that though!

Account Closed at 11:54 on 17 April 2003  Report this post
I feel that either you're seeing this scene in your mind and are summarising it for us, or else you're intentionally leaving as much to the reader's imagination as possible.

I've never done short stories quite this short, so maybe I'm in no position to comment, but I think it would be fair to say that given more time, this particular scene could be fleshed out to firstly set the scene a little more, and then add more details such as what is going through Amilia's mind as all this is happening to her.

Other than that though, this is good and easy to read.

Kara at 12:34 on 20 June 2005  Report this post
I agree with Insane Bartender. What do you intend to do wit it next? Be nice if you turned it into a full length short story. sorry about the word nice- it just slipped out best wishes

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