Old Perception
Posted: 18 April 2007
Word Count: 131
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With neon lights
blurring faces
and sound, so crammed for space
in these places.
It’s pointless,
sometimes,
trying to explain
or even to assertain
perceptions.
I think I'm normal,
it's normal for me to be me
even though I can't handle my drink
in the way most people can.
It's just a neuro-muscular thing
that's all,
everyone has physical weaknesses.
I thought she might just want to speak with me,
god forbid even flirt with me,
as she kindly held
my drink. But she
nursed my straw, to my mouth
with just too much care
than I cared for.
‘I do this for a living’ -
she said.
I performed an invisible shake
of my head, thinking
I need to get out of here,
but then she disappeared.
Confused, I hope.
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 joanie at 23:47 on 18 April 2007
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Hi Stephen. This has set off all sorts of thoughts whizzing through my mind. With neon lights
blurring faces
and sound, so crammed for space
in these places. |
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is just excellent, I think.
I'm a bit confused, though, with the change from 'You' to 'She'.
‘I do this for a living’ -
she said. |
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really got to me! Very poignant.
This is a heartfelt piece which seems to come from your soul somehow!
joanie
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 Jordan789 at 06:35 on 20 April 2007
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At first I was expecting a poem full of platitudes--lines and ideas said a million times in regards to perceptions or paradoxes. But instead, I was pleasantly suprised by where this poem ended up. I am unsure what exactly happened, and what exactly is happening, so I would like the poem flushed out somewhat. But by the end, I have a picture of a prostitute hitting on a guy at a bar? I wonder if maybe your meaning comes blurred a bit, and it could be clarified if you reshape the poem by putting stanza #2 first, and removing the punctuation at the end of stanza #2, so it becomes:
With neon lights
blurring faces
and sound, so crammed for space
in these places
It’s pointless,
trying to explain
or even to assertain
perceptions.
This way the reader is grounded in a setting firstly, before the general comment is made. But this might skew your... intentions, and even the meaning of the poem.
I am not sure what a "trained carer" is, but if it's someone trained to care, then the phrase is weird, and makes me think of an honorary title awarded to a geeky 2nd grader, responsible for giving out hugs for one week.
Like joanie, I'm also confused as to who is the you and who is the she. And I wonder what the speaker hopes for. Hm mmmmmm.
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Account Closed at 11:32 on 20 April 2007
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Wow, Jordan, I had a completely different image.
I think it's a guy at a club with some kind of disability or disfigurement. A woman helps him with his drink, she thinks she's being kind. But actually, he'd just prefer it if someone got to know and 'see' him, and not the outside.
D.
<Added>
-not the man presented to the outside
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hailfabio at 14:12 on 20 April 2007
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I wrote a big reply... I hate computers.
It's interesting that two of you picked this up differently, I like my poems to be vague so the reader has room to make their own conclusions, use their imaginations so to speak - perhaps I'm in a minority.
Davina, hit the nail on the head. The characters are me and a random girl in a night club/pub, both are confused which is maybe good that readers are left a bit confused.
I just tried to express the feeling of total uselessness when someone has a completely different perception to you.
I like your suggestion Jordan.
Thanks for the feedback.
Stephen
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Account Closed at 14:49 on 20 April 2007
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Oh, Stephen, you've changed it again!
:)
The added detail does help form a clearer image. I think it's pretty good.
D.
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 Elsie at 20:43 on 20 April 2007
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Hello
Gosh, it has changed since I looked yesterday. The new version throws up a question, when you say "handle my drink" it seems to suggest not being able to drink too much, then I wonder if you simply meant 'hold' your drink. In the previous version, after you thought you needed to get out and she had disappeared, it left me thinking you were reliant on her getting you out of the club/pub. This time for some reason, I'm not sure. Do you need the last line? Would she be confused?
In this version, it seems she is someone who by chance works as a carer of some sort, who happens to be there, rather than your helper.
Perhaps the second stanza should run on from the first - by that I mean changing the punctuation, but leaving the break.
I liked this new bit:
But she
nursed my straw, to my mouth
with just too much care
than I cared for.
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 James Graham at 11:24 on 21 April 2007
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There have been some different takes on this poem, but it's one that takes a little time and a few readings. I think as soon as the reader lets it 'sink in', the setting and situation become very clear. I'm referring to the version we have now; I'm not sure it was so clear before.
I can't handle my drink
in the way most people can. |
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I very much like the way this works. It makes us do a double-take: on a first reading, it seems to be about handling drink in the sense of not letting it make you silly or aggressive or unconscious. But on the double-take we realise it means literally handling a drink in a glass or bottle. I'm reminded of Steve's (R-Poet's) poem 'Karl', whose 'Tiny hands/ on his shoulders/ grip lager and glass' and who tells with relish stories of his exploits, such as how he
short-changes
a Moroccan trader,
forcing rock-bottom pricing
of a leather jacket,
“for a friend”,
with marks on the sleeves.
Back home,
he has them removed. |
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Has the marks removed? No, the sleeves. You achieve the same effect with 'can't handle my drink'.
There's still one small source of confusion. If you are meant to be thinking (but not saying aloud) 'I need to get out of here', it would be better in italics. As it is, we might think the carer said it, even though it's much more likely the poem's speaker thinks it. Apart from that, the poem communicates very well the situation and the feelings that it stirs up. Any 'confusion' isn't created by the poem, but maybe by the fact that there's something in this 'brief encounter' that's unfamiliar to most readers, so we have to work at it.
James.
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Account Closed at 20:00 on 21 April 2007
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James, about that double-take, very interesting comparison with Steve’s (R-Poet) ‘Karl’, seems like a neat technique if read right.
<Added>
Thanks!
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hailfabio at 11:43 on 23 April 2007
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What did you see Jordan?
Thanks for the comments on this, glad that the extra detail made things clearer. It was a double-take similar to R-poet's, and it's a difficult thing to pull off, but here it seemed to work well and both 'takes' are equally true in my case.
It is me saying 'I need to get out of here', so that does need to be made much more clearer.
I heard someone at the weekend say that you don't need to understand poetry, as long as it sounds nice, it serves it's purpose. I tend to agree really, poetry is like art and sometimes we get over-caught up in wanting to know what things mean, the reasons. That's possibly a reflection of today's media filled society.
Thanks for helping with my poem.
Always a pleasure.
Stephen
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Account Closed at 12:15 on 23 April 2007
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| I heard someone at the weekend say that you don't need to understand poetry, as long as it sounds nice, it serves it's purpose. |
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A Professor said something similar to me once, but I don't agree entirely. I might be misunderstanding, but it doesn't seem to take into account meaning that comes from the structure - why the poem is written the way it is - to provoke emotion - that does link to 'sound' but I don't believe it is sound alone which make a poem.
Rambling.
:)
J.
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hailfabio at 15:29 on 23 April 2007
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Yes indeed, you have to connect in some way, as with anything I guess.
S
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James Graham at 11:56 on 24 April 2007
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This is getting really pedantic, the schoolmaster at the blackboard...but you don't need quotation marks round the line in italics, assuming this is what the poem's speaker is thinking rather than saying aloud. With quotes it looks grammatically as if she says it, even though we can easily guess it's the poem's speaker. Better italics without quotes.
Still lecturing at the blackboard...no need to understand poetry if it sounds nice? True, you don't need to understand poetry in the way you need to understand a user's manual for a hi-fi. Meaning in poetry is complex. Different readers see a poem in different ways; the same reader reading a poem for the second or tenth time might see something new in it, or see the whole thing from a new perspective. A line or an image can be such that it's always ambiguous, and no-one can ever say it means only x or only y.
But that doesn't mean a poem should be a sort of cryptic puzzle. The poet should make the poem accessible - though not necessarily easy to access at one reading - so that the reader can begin to discover its meanings. I don't think we need to fully understand a poem - but we need to have an understanding of it. Your poems are never word-puzzles, as far as I can recall, or the kind that only sound nice and don't need to be understood. They've got substance as well as any surface appeal of the language.
James.
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hailfabio at 12:37 on 24 April 2007
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Thanks James,
That all makes perfect sense. I don't mind being a pupil again, one day I might even be the teacher!
Cheers
Stephen
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