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Order no. 37562983
Posted: 17 April 2007
Word Count: 140
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Version II
I try to tear tight polythene
with bare nails
in my desperate desire
to savour you but
despair soon gives way
to common sense
and I calmly take the scissors
Release
Pristine smoothness
beneath my fingertips; the edge
a column of white marble
cool under my stroking.
An intake of breath; I hold it
until I dare open and taste
the smell of your print.
Version I
I try to tear the tight polythene
with bare nails
in my desperate desire
to savour you but
despair soon gives way
to common sense
and I calmly take the scissors
and cut.
Release.
Pristine smoothness
beneath my fingertips; the edge
a column of white marble
cool under my stroking.
An intake of breath; I hold it
until I dare open and smell
the taste of the print.
I drink you.
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Comments by other Members
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 Tina at 08:57 on 18 April 2007
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Hi Joanie
The first thing that strikes me about this is the frustration of ripping off wrappings - one of my grumpy old women soap box issues packaging or too much of it! Anyway it instantly endeared me to this - the frison of excitement - the desire to open the package and devour what is inside all come over really well. I like the addition of - 'and cut' to the second version. I also like the more objective second version for the second stanza too - the use of 'the' -
the taste of the print
rather than the taste of, 'your' print.
You have changed the title here also - can't remember what it was yesterday - why was that?
An enjoyable and interesting read Joanie
Thanks
Tina
x
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 James Graham at 21:40 on 18 April 2007
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'The taste of your print...I like that better. It follows from 'to savour you'. The whole poem is very sensuous, even...dare I say?...erotic! But I'll get back to you with more thoughts - expressed with proper restraint, of course!
James.
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 joanie at 23:36 on 18 April 2007
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Tina, many thanks! The original title was simply 'New' but I thought it wasn't strong enough. It didn't seem to grab the potential reader's interest. Thank you for reading and responding!
James, I'm glad you thought it was sensuous; that was the intention. I look forward to your full response. (...as always!)
joanie
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peardrops at 09:06 on 19 April 2007
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Hi Joanie,
Really enjoyed this-and must agree with the site expert as to the discreetly erotic undertones you have managed to infuse into the poem.A delicious piece of writing!
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joanie at 18:09 on 19 April 2007
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Just had another thought; the last lines should probably be I hold it
until I dare open and taste
the smell of your print. |
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joanie
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James Graham at 19:22 on 19 April 2007
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One of your best, Joanie. For one thing it's the way the poem starts with a commonplace, irritating, grumpy-old-woman/man thing and takes off from there into something really exhilarating. What it becomes is a sensuous, celebratory poem about enjoying the moment. Part of the strength of it is that this isn't - to begin with - the sort of moment one expects to enjoy. Grrrr...opening a package! If it's a sunny morning in May and a blackbird is singing outside the open window, that's a ready-made enjoyable moment. (Hard to write an original poem about it, though.) Your moment is much less promising, but the poem unfolds until at the end we have pure pleasure.
Yes, I think you're right about 'taste/ the smell'. The smell is there first, you pick it up first, then afterwards you seem to taste it. The two sensual impressions are mixed together in this delicious moment, but smell definitely comes first. It would come with that 'intake of breath', then the sensation of tasting the smell would follow.
What no-one else has mentioned so far is the satisfying symmetry of the poem. You can sometimes read a poem of two seven-line stanzas (or whatever) and feel the one of the stanzas, usually the second one, has been padded out to the right length. No trace of that here - as always in your short poems, every line counts.
James.
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 Elsie at 21:35 on 20 April 2007
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Joanie, it's just sunk in what the cleverness about this is.
I try to tear tight polythene
with bare nails
in my desperate desire |
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It's all about the sounds - all t's and i's - it sounds like someone speaking through gritted teeth as they try to pull the packaging apart.
Then here, the contast -
Pristine smoothness
beneath my fingertips; the edge
a column of white marble
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Lots of soft m's and o's - the enjoyment of savouring.
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joanie at 22:09 on 20 April 2007
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James and Elsie, thank you so much. You have both highlighted things of which I wasn't aware!
This came very literally from a moment experienced; I had ordered some books and they were well packed in the box with the stretched polythene - excellent for packing but dreadful to get into - and I was just desperate! The book I really wanted didn't disappoint; the column of white marble ... mmmm ... gorgeous, but the smell was wonderful! I do love to bury my nose in the pages and drink in the smell of new books.
You're right, James and Mariel; it is very sensuous!
Thank you all again.
joanie
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Account Closed at 20:02 on 21 April 2007
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Hi Joanie,
Sorry to come to this late. I very much enjoyed it. It is frustrating when you can’t get into a much longed for item cos it’s sealed so darn well. You capture that brilliantly and with much fun! A very sensual poem too, I agree.
Davina
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