Scar Tissue
Posted: 12 April 2007
Word Count: 92
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The way I felt
towards you,
I would have knelt
before you.
The way you dealt
with it,
made my heart melt.
The touch of
your pampered
flowery
skin. My nose
fell all over it.
After
all we shared
were words. Words.
They fizzed though.
Sizzling in my mind
and filling
my time.
Haha, I can laugh now
finally,
at your flaws.
I yearned for more,
I hoped for so much more
and now I don't know what for.
You touched a space within me,
don't think it'll feel the same again.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 19:54 on 12 April 2007
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Hi Stephen. At first reading I really loved this; I like the rhymes and the form. I was a bit confused but I take it that this is the response to someone touching the writer's scar for the first time. The fact that the 'toucher' wasn't repulsed comes across really well without stating it specifically.
I enjoyed the read.
joanie
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 Account Closed at 22:36 on 12 April 2007
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Hi Stephen,
I think I might have my blinkers on because I’m not quite there with this poem. It might be talking about a first touch with someone. I wasn’t sure at first, but there are two people here, the narrator and a feminine presence with ‘pampered / flowery / skin.’ The scene is an intimate one in the sense of the narrator having felt vulnerable about something, but having trust and allowing the woman to see ‘it.’ I don’t understand the lines ‘My nose / fell over it.’
‘It’ might be the scar tissue of the title, but as a reader I cannot be sure. Equally the title may refer to an emotional scar or something else entirely. What would help is if the ‘it’ of the poem was something more defining and relatable.
This does intrigue me though, and there’s a body of emotion behind the lines:
The way I felt / towards you, / I would have knelt / before you.
It’s in the repetition of the ‘you’ but the whole feels very genuine. For what it conveys, this is my favourite stanza.
Davina
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Jordan789 at 16:50 on 13 April 2007
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Hello.
The rhymes! The Rhymes! I feel like doctor frankenstein for some reason this morning. I do not think they're working for you in this poem. Felt/knelt, you/you, delt/melt, and a few others, all are such harsh rhymes, that they call way too much attention to themselves, for no good reason. I'd axe 'em, or try to play with the sentences to alter the stresses and sounds.
My other problem with the poem was with the images. As a rule of thumb, if a 1980s pop artist has used an expression before, there's no question about it, you may not use it in a poem. "heart melting" "an electric touch" "burning my flesh and soul," while the singers of poison can get away with stuff like this 'cause they have a killer, deafening wail going on with their voice and that strad-caster guitar, I don't think it works on paper. Sorry. Try to find words and images that are a little bit more personal and meaningful to you. Think about your time with this person to come up with whatever you can. Phrases she may have said, or promised to do, or whatever.
-Jordan
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 James Graham at 15:25 on 15 April 2007
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I have to agree with some of the things Jordan says on this one. Not so much on the rhymes, which seem ok at least in the first stanza. 'Dealt with it/ melt a bit' is the one that I feel you should try to get rid of.
I do agree about the imagery. I haven't a clue about 80s pop but the ideas of heart melting, electric touch, and 'burning my flesh and soul' are as worn out as my old gardening boots.
I'm just as sure this isn't a poem to give up on.The title and the lines 'My nose/ fell all over it', and the last line too, are ambiguous and slightly puzzling, but in a way I can accept; I feel quite willing to puzzle it out. (I contrast with poems I've come across that are 'enigmatic' - but somehow solving the puzzle doesn't seem worth the effort.) I think this is a poem that's only half-way there - one, though, that deserves to go the whole way.
James.
<Added>
In contrast.
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hailfabio at 13:50 on 16 April 2007
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Thanks for all comments, extremely useful.
I'm a fan of 80s music and I know what you're getting at. I've filled the poem out a bit. Hope some of you can find the time to have a look at it again.
Cheers
Stephen
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Account Closed at 14:16 on 16 April 2007
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It's still the same really - same rhymes, same nose tripping. Do you 'get' the music thing? Here's an example after listening to the lovely metal band, Korn:
You are here to stay
Throbbing in my blood
A virus that won’t go away
Fighting me from inside
Invigorating
Awakening
My insides are breaking
Anticipating
The hurt inside is aching
Can I give any more?
My insides are breaking
You are here to stay
A virus that won’t go away
And here's a title: "Unpretty Love" without it, the above could easily be about hepatitus, but instead, it's that violently dizzy, crazy madness of love. Did I make a poem?
Seriously, the above is 20sec rubbish, whereas yours, as James says, "isn't a poem to give up on." But it's not about padding it out, more about stripping it down, getting rid of the flashing rhymes and obscurity. Breathe. Then write it honest.
Davina
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