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Stalker

by rmol1950 

Posted: 06 April 2007
Word Count: 55
Summary: Here is my contibution to the week 54 challenge. It is also an attempt at a 55 word story. Re-written following Irene's helpfull comments.
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Frenzied blows shudder the heavy oak door. Then sudden silence. She clutches a knife, pressing her body against the door frame to stop herself trembling. Desperately holding her breath to quell the sobs, to listen. Then a sound of sniffing, and a whisper.
‘Let me in bitch. I know you’re there. I can smell you.’







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Comments by other Members



ireneintheworld at 19:36 on 06 April 2007  Report this post
hi there stalker

i thought you did a great job with this; very tense atmosphere in such a tiny piece, very well done.

i would just mention that you used 'door' and 'silence' twice. maybe you could've got something else in there.

please ignore me. it's a great piece of work.

irene

<Added>

sorry, i've just called you stalker. i'm having a few bad days...full of senior moments!
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Jumbo at 23:27 on 06 April 2007  Report this post
Richard

Very good. So much emotion and absolute terror wrapped up in those few words.

And

Then the sound of sniffing, and a whisper.


... really lays it on.

It made me wonder what was on the other side of that door! Was it human? Or something MUCH worse?

Thanks for the read

john
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rmol1950 at 08:50 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
Irene and John
Thank you for reading this and glad you liked it. Hoefully not everybody thinks it is autobiographical but now you mention it I quite like the pen name Stalker.

Irene you are right about the repetition and I re-wrote it after reading your comments, but am not sure I can change it now that I have posted it for the week 54 challenge.
Regards
Richard
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Jumbo at 09:46 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
mol / stalker / Richard

Go ahead and change it!! It's all part of the rewrite process - and no-one will mind!!

Regards

john
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rmol1950 at 11:40 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
John
I will, thanks.
Regards
Richard
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haunted at 14:17 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
Creepy little horror flash, Richard.

A lot of atmosphere in so few words. The sniffing gives it an unusual edge.

Louise
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V`yonne at 16:57 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
Wouldn't open that door for all the T in C!
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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rosiedlm at 18:26 on 07 April 2007  Report this post
Excellent flash. Reminds me of Jack Nicholson's character in 'The Shining'. I shudder when I remember him saying "Honey, I'm home!"

Great stuff,
Rosie
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Prospero at 04:40 on 08 April 2007  Report this post
For me it was Hannibal Lecter and Clareeecccceee. Wonderfully atmospheric Richard.

Best

John
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rmol1950 at 09:27 on 08 April 2007  Report this post
Thanks to everybody for the encouragement. I wanted it to be really creepy and it has started a germ of an idea.
Richard
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Bandy Bundy at 10:17 on 13 April 2007  Report this post
Hi Richard,

You've accomplished a great deal in so few words.

This really could be the start of something or the end of a long drawn out trauma.

Kev.
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