|
|
 |
Sad Man
Posted: 23 September 2003
Word Count: 76
|
Font Size
|
|
Sad Man
Hunched under deep grey clouds
Downcast eyes darkly shrouded
Staring bleakly at the dull ground
the sad man stumbles.
Lost in the world he made
Shuffling by, seeing nothing
Shadows lurching in a closed maze
His spirits frozen.
Warmth from a caring gaze
worried looks, frightened glances
Omens swearing that the neap tide
Is slowly turning.
Crushed beneath storm cracked cliffs
Salt lashed silt heaving slowly
splintered timbers of a proud wreck
are reappearing.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 fevvers at 21:02 on 25 September 2003
 Report this post
|
Hello Peter
I feel there is a metaphor here that I can't put my finger on.
There is a very dark quiet tone to the poem that I like but I'm not sure exactly who the sand man is. I understand him to give children dreams when they are asleep (good or bad) and I can't see any presence of him here, so I suspect he's a different sand man - maybe a gollum-like creature, I'm not sure. I think I need more in the poem to point me in the right direction - not much more just a little.
2 Minor points I think you should listen again at the alliteration in the last verse, it feels a bit heavy and isn't earning the weight from the previous verses. And check out the adverbs throughout, there might be more effective ways of saying what you're saying without using them.
These are just my opinions, hope you don't mind.
Cheers
| |
peterxbrown at 23:41 on 25 September 2003
Report this post
|
Thanks for your ideas Fevvers.Of course I don't mind! It is good of you to take the trouble and I shall certainly take notice of all your advice.
I am the sandman, a shifting being reduced to spineless fine grains by depression. The - probably imagined, almost certainly exagerated - pressures and illness are like erosion by the sea, tidal forces, another reason for the sand man. I am also the wreck emerging from depression! I purposely wanted jarring alliteration because it matched my mood of suppressed anger and imbalanced view of the world.
| |
fevvers at 17:33 on 26 September 2003
Report this post
|
I think you need to be careful about the figure of the sand man , because the Sand Man exists in myth. YOu can't get away from people reading it like this.
I think it's a wonderful idea and the metaphor is good and strong but I think you need to maybe talk about a man made of sand rather than the sand man for the above reasons. Try describing how he moves, what sounds his body makes, which bits decay first. I'm drawn to thinking about Hughes Iron Man. What would the sounds from his mouth be like? What does he live off? Try asking questions of the chracter (rather than thinking about yourself as the man think of him as a chracter) about how he lives.
I think this will be a cracking poem.
Cheers
| |
Fearless at 21:26 on 27 September 2003
Report this post
|
Peter
Can a wave gently lift the Sandman's head so that his eyes can be kissed by the sun?
Where there's sand, the sun is never far away.
Fearless
| |
peterxbrown at 22:17 on 28 September 2003
Report this post
|
Thanks Fevvers and Fearless.
<Added>
I have reverted to the original Sad as opposed to Sand man!
peterb
<Added>
The sand man may be a different poem.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
