Login   Sign Up 


Midlife Mutant Crisis Turtles

by bjlangley 

Posted: 26 March 2007
Word Count: 512
Summary: You probably need to have seen Teenage Mutant Ninja/Hero Turtles back in the day to get this. My excuse is that my brother was a big fan, and had loads of toys.

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

It's 20 years since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles for those of you who fear that the word 'ninja' has the power to turn children into violent thugs) made their US TV debut, and they had a few years of success, and a couple of big movies. Not bad for a bunch of adolescent reptiles. But time does not stay still, and you cannot stay a teenager forever. So, with a return to movie screens, do we find that those turtles are no longer teens, but in their mid-thirties? Are they more Mid-life Mutant Crisis Turtles than Teenage Ninjas?

Maybe Leonardo, so long the leader of the bunch has gone from strength to strength, promoting his turtle buddies as the ultimate crime fighting force. Or, more likely is the scenario in which he rejects the responsibility he was burdened with for so long, sells the turtles wagon which could comfortably accommodate all four, and replace it with something sporty, like a Porsche, which is completely impractical for the day-to-day routine he's grown so sick of. What's more the appeal of the sewer may be diminishing; it may have been cool to hang out there in his younger days, with easy access to the city, but the noise! Somewhere in the suburbs grows ever more appealing for Leonardo these days.

Party dude Michaelango surely wouldn't change though, would he? You'll still find him out on the town, and wolfing down pizza that's for sure, but it's not the same. No longer is he the cool unique dude, but the creepy middle-aged chap who hangs out at bars and makes the youngsters feel uncomfortable. And no longer can he wow a dance floor with his moves - the last time he attempted a shell-spin he put his back out. As such he's not getting so much exercise, and his metabolism's not what it was - he's practically tripled in size.

Donatello, from a distance, may appear the same. Still he sits at a desk, beavering away on inventions, but what you may not see is the stack of letters from the patent office, rejecting his ideas, and the growing hatred of a world that just keeps taking, and never gives anything back, a world that doesn't value his genius. What's more, whilst his early inventions used to help the turtles in their crime fighting exploits, he now spends most of his time inventing tools to dispose of unsightly nose and ear hair, and stop turtle skin from wrinkling, particularly around the neck.

Raphael was always the rebel, going out and doing his own thing, willing to take on the enemy single handed, and more often than not, come out victorious. But now? He's still rebelling, but against his bank. He ain't paying no overdraft fees, he'll take his business elsewhere, ha! Right now he's on the march, but not out to battle, but to the newsagents to buy some notepaper, he has angry letters to write to local politicians!

Somehow, I’m not expecting the movie to be a success…

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

V`yonne at 12:38 on 26 March 2007  Report this post
Menopausal Mutant turtles are up in another twenty years time. You heard it here first! Then Zimmer framed Ninjas. OOOH gives you alzeimers just to think about it!!!!!!!
Good one

Cornelia at 14:10 on 26 March 2007  Report this post
This was both very funny and very sad - a reminder that tempus fugit even for MHNTs.

I read a crit of the movie yesterday and it didn't merit even one star. I hope your brother isn't too disappointed.


bjlangley at 18:51 on 26 March 2007  Report this post
Thanks for the comments, much appreciated.

And my brother's a big boy now, so I think he'll get over it. :)

All the best,


Myrtle at 20:06 on 26 March 2007  Report this post
Ben, this is great material - turn it into a script! Maybe they could be in group therapy.

Nice one. My brother loved them, too!

JenDom at 10:29 on 27 March 2007  Report this post
No,no,no! Don't shatter my memories of these dudes! :-) They all grew up to be ninja samurai warrior tortoises! Skipping the teenage/middle age years altogether!


Very funny, thanks for the read!


amiria at 11:15 on 27 March 2007  Report this post
I think this has the seeds of a really neat sketch as well. Your descriptions of the 'dudes' were spot on (nephew loved them) and I think the 'idea' is excellent. A great laugh Ben. :)

bjlangley at 15:14 on 27 March 2007  Report this post
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

I was worried that no one would know what the heck I was on about, so I'm pleasantly surprised!

roger at 15:30 on 27 March 2007  Report this post
Ben, can I add my 'very,very, funny' to all the others above? Great writing as always.


snowbell at 16:43 on 27 March 2007  Report this post
Liked this too. Great idea. What about introducing some other wrinklies in as side characters: wrinkly Barbies (Babs) geriatric Tiny Tears, and impotent Action Man?

Ripe for development I think!

Account Closed at 16:06 on 28 March 2007  Report this post
(Lord, everybody seems to have the excuse of a younger brother except me... I watched them all on my own AND played Ninja Turtles with my school mates AND bought the video games AND collected the stickers.)

I liked this too. Actually, at first I thought it was going to be an 'interview' of the turtles; the opening paragraph kind of gives that idea, and then I kept waiting for that, for some reason. Perhaps having them speak for themselves a bit might make this even livelier...?

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .