Login   Sign Up 


How to Faff

by Jeremiad1971 

Posted: 19 March 2007
Word Count: 798
Summary: A ten point guide on faffing, an essential way of keeping sane in these time poor days

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

How to Faff

Faffing is the practise of hoovering time with pointless mini actions just as people are about to leave the house/proceed with a planned activity/board a train.

Task oriented progress is the faffer’s enemy. He or she must obstruct it.

Whilst no one who can stick rigidly to guidelines could ever be described as a fully-fledged faffer, the following should provide a useful starting block:

1. Adopt the body language of a faffer.

Subtly speed up your eye movements and generally dance your own internal jitterbug.

Think meerkat lacking biological imperative.

If society sees you as a faffer, it will help you become a faffer

2. Any time you are about to leave the house, do not allow the lack of beard and Alpine romper suit prevent you from performing an intricate Bavarian thigh slapping routine as you search for your money/keys/toothpicks.

The longest journey starts with the first slap.

3. Things should never be at hand.

Embrace multi-compartmented clothing and accessories. These will optimise your scope for faffing as, instead of one easy to reach container for your daily necessities, you will be able to disperse them in as wide an area as possible.

Ladies – purchase capacious, concertina-style handbags to ensure your mobile need never be answered again.

Gents – go for a multi zipped leather jacket in the style of Sid Snot to maximise cash card misplacement.

4. Develop self-questioning about the most mundane and unlikely domestic occurrences.

You should not be able to leave the house without considering the possibility the bathroom has non-colour-coordinated toilet roll.

5. Choice is your faffable friend

Although the Eskimos do not have a ludicrous amount of words for snow, you need to believe they do.

Place yourself in situations, preferably in a group, where, instead of the choice of tea or coffee, you have a variety of herbal flavours and brewing styles. This maximises faffing potential.

Ask the barista questions about milk temperature/Styrofoam rigidity/teaspoon bending to optimise queue-holding time.



This will betray the existence of a mind that still contains task-oriented thoughts. Nothing will more single you out as an amateur.

6. Change your conversational style to reflect your new muddled mindset.

Never give absolute answers and interject plenty of “ers”, “you knows” and general “ums”.

Your opening refrain should always be “Well, you see….”

If you don’t think it’s possible to faff in speech, tune into the BBC and watch the joke monologues of Ronnie Corbett or the interviews conducted by Garth Crooks.

These men are legends.

Study them.

7. Stay away from fellow faffers.

Faffing can become competitive and, when surrounded by Alpha-faffers, it is easy to revert to a linear thought process.

In these circumstances, you can find yourself issuing statements of intent and starting sentences with “Look, I think we should….”

Be warned: This is not the way sideways.

8. When selecting a mate, choose one who is organised.

Your goal should be the anti-faffer.

You will need someone who likes wall charts and calendars, not someone who deliberates over a can of beans.

This optimises your sex life.

Trust me.

If you are still not convinced, try to imagine the open Kama Sutra on the bed of Frank Spencer and Mavis Riley.

9. Choose your career and hobbies wisely as not all arenas are conducive to faffing.

Stay away from the world of medicine.

Photo-journalism is another no-no.

Far better is physical labour with its endless potential for arm stretching work avoidance. Or maybe become a librarian and faff about deciding which books to archive and which date stamp to re-ink.

10. Writing is a good activity for a faffer as, in the name of research, you can faff on the internet, stumble across sites such as www.wikihow.com, and then suddenly become distracted from your project and write less important, but probably more self knowing, pieces.


Patient friends
An over active imagination
A thick skin.

Selective hearing.
The love of accessories
The love of God


Looking for a Christmas present for the Faff King in your family???

Why not try the new Giant Swiss Army Knife???

These babies have a whopping 85 devices and are perfect for the faffer who enjoys outside pursuits /nail filing/ gauging tyre treads.

WARNING!!! People who purchase Swiss Army knives for known faffers can be prosecuted for crimes against humanity

WARNING!! Due to a multitude of inappropriate self-defence options, the Swiss Army knife may not be advisable for faffers who live with the threat of robbery. In most of these cases, the chortling mugger would be hotfooting away leaving the newly cash poor faffer’s head to hit the pavement just at the moment when he ejects the spring loaded needle pliers.

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

roger at 15:45 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
David, I'm not sure I like you very much. I've never considered myself a faffer, but there were a worrying number of 'yes that's me' bits in this, and I certainly want one of the giant Swiss Army knives!

Seriously, too many funnies to list here, but if I had to pick a fav, it would be -

If you are still not convinced, try to imagine the open Kama Sutra on the bed of Frank Spencer and Mavis Riley.

I LOLd at that.

Just a couple of niggly points -

In - 'Faffing is the practise of hoovering time with pointless mini actions just as people are about to leave the house/proceed with a planned activity/board a train.' - does 'time' need to be in there?

'without considering the possibility the bathroom has non-colour-coordinated' - I guess this is a personal thing, but I'd have put 'that' after 'possibility'

'Writing a good activity for a faffer as, in the name of research, you' - an 'is' after writing?

Totally different to your previous upload, but equally good in a different way - versatility it good!


JenDom at 16:42 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
Hello again!

The swiss knife pic in your blog is hilarious!

I await a response from the faffing society to this outrageous article! Faffing is very good for you - has health benefits [unintentional maybe, but beneficial anyway]!

This was more a gentle dig at faffers in general.

And not too sure about strict gender stereotype rules either: but that's just me faffing around!


Jeremiad1971 at 16:46 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
Thanks for reading Roger, I'm glad you liked it.

"That" debate is fascinating - I was once castigated by an English teacher for littering an essay with it so I tend to cut it in most cases. I also read somewhere else it is one of the few words "that" can almost almost always be binned.

I think you may have a point in this case though and you also right about the missing "is".

I still feel I need "time" (am I faffing?)- however, if others comment I will drop it.

Thanks again Roger, I really appreciate your time.


Jeremiad1971 at 16:50 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
Thanks for reading Jen. I hope the tiny bit of gender stereotyping didn't offend, it was simply so I could work a gag.

I strongly appreciate your time and thoughts.

All tne best


V`yonne at 18:07 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
So that is why he married me; because of the calendars and wall charts and never having to remember anybodys birthday?


SOOTYSMUM at 23:35 on 19 March 2007  Report this post
David, (if I may be so bold - I do not recall commenting on your work previousy)!

I loved this...but I too am concerned that I recognise one too many of my own traits in this piece. I hasten to add though, for the record, I'm convinced the reason is due to old age creeping in rather than feeling the need to become a 'faffer'.

Quick question....if one is a 'faffer' could the victm of said 'faffing' be considered a 'faffee', or simply that one has been 'faffed'??

Thank you for making me smile, irrespective of any typographical slips, and for pointing my otherwise unoccupied train of thought in a truly new, and somewhat obtuse direction!!!


Jeremiad1971 at 18:24 on 20 March 2007  Report this post
Thanks for reading Oonah.

I'm sure he married you for more than that.....

Jeremiad1971 at 18:26 on 20 March 2007  Report this post
A good question Susan - I like the idea "you have been faffed", akin to the Tango ads of days gone by.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

All the best


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .