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by Hooray99 

Posted: 18 March 2007
Word Count: 131

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Thump thump thump
The music pumps
Brff brff brff
I let some go.
Idly lolling and unbrushed hair
Little worms of mottled red across irises
Flakes that disappear with cream
One rough heel opposite another
Hidden hilly head tempts a squeeze
Thumpety thump.

Concrete claws unfiled
or polished
Growing and yet not going
Moving and yet not knowing?
Tick and thump and scratch.
Pick, and job’s a good ‘n’
Then soak the badness away

Not here to stay, or planning
to leave
Resident but elsewhere
Out to lunch
Away with the fairies
Somewhere but nowhere
of any interest.

Tick and knock
Drawn and pulled back to let in the sun
Huddled, dreaming of a cuddle
‘To those who wait, good things come’
The music pumps
A spider escapes through the gap

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Comments by other Members

joolsk at 00:24 on 28 March 2007  Report this post
Hi Hooray,

I really loved the immediacy of this - the rhythm reminded me of London streets on a summer night with boys and girls in their cars. I liked how fresh and current this was.

You may want to check some of the caps that you used at the start of some sentences, they interrupted the flow of my reading. Don't use a cap unless the previous line ends in a fullstop or unless you need the cap for emphasis.

Hope that helps.



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