Hi Jeremiad, this has some very surreal moments, but combined well with the very real dream of Stephen. Things like the 21 egg salute and the kids fleeing on mini-bikes is wonderfully bizarre, but would be great visually.
I felt the dialogue of some of your more rigid characters, the supervisor at the egg place, and the gray suited man felt a bit clunky, not really very natural, can't really put my finger on it, they just seem to say what they need to, than have anything behind that.
The overall story I enjoyed, Stephen achieving his dream, only to find the reality of it a nightmare - it's also a point I agree with commentators these days focus on the negative - the striker always shoots right at the keeper, rather than the keeper being well-positioned, for instance.
There are a couple of typos in there, and I think it would benefit from another edit to pick these out. Also, lines like; "and he looks like he needs the benefits of a probiotic diet." are funny, but I was advised to keep jokes out of the stage instruction, essentially they're wasted there, as the eventual viewer will never read it.
Jeremiad1971 
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