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HEARTBEAT
Posted: 14 March 2007
Word Count: 102
Summary: Where did this come from? It has taken my complete surprise!
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The world has wings,
flies like a moon bird,
touching deep secrets,
flitting like shadows
past a candle,
melting into
the corner
where darkness
hides in purple
dreams, where hearts
and tears join forces
with the bittersweet
taste of hope.
This is myself lost
within myself.
This is all humankind
touching, feeling,
joining, knowing, loving,
caring, hating, forgiving.
And I am the sob
lost in the throats
of the weepers.
I am the pain
and the balm.
Oh stay,
please,
please.
Stay
as I find my way back
through the frozen
anals of uncertainty
to see you
waiting there ... my love.
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Comments by other Members
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 Star at 00:11 on 15 March 2007
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Just caught this as I was passing, so to speak.
I don't really have the time (or feel the need?) to delve analytically into it. If pushed I'd say I'm not crazy about 'outermost peripherals'; it feels a tiny bit awkward (contrived?) against all the rest.
The main point is the depth and the honesty and the corners of this. And I love it that you say it came from nowhere. And I love 'I am the sob / lost in the throats / of the weepers'.
Really look forward to coming back to this. Thank you.
Star.x
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Beanie Baby at 09:19 on 15 March 2007
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Thank you for your feedback, Star. I agree that 'outermost peripherals' is not quite the right term here so I will delve a bit deeper and see if I can find an altenative expression. Considering this is one of those that came from nowhere, its depth and passion even shocked me! This is the first and only draft - I just wrote it straight to WW - so if 'outermost peripherals' is the only bit that isn't right, then I am more surp[rised than ever! Thank you so much.
Beanie
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Star at 22:19 on 15 March 2007
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Yeah, I like it even better.
I kind of wouldn't like you to polish it up any more (selfishly!) 'cos I'm afraid it might lose whatever it is that I recognise and understand.
Again, thank you for this.
Star.x
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Account Closed at 14:35 on 16 March 2007
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Wow! I think this is great - utterly gripping. It swept me away into a surreal world I'd like to visit again, please.
Sorry, but I don't have anything useful to say - except you should submit it somewhere. Oh, and write more stuff directly to WW if it works for you - which it obviously does!
:))
A
xx
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Beanie Baby at 13:45 on 19 March 2007
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Thank you so much, Anne. If i do submit it, I will let you know.
I really apprcediate your feedback.
Beanie
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joolsk at 09:26 on 21 March 2007
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Hi Beanie,
While this was kind of abstract it had an immediacy to me that kept me gripped and reading on to te end. I liked the sharp punches of emotion scattered throughout.
Two tiny points:-
- anals - shouldn't this be annals?
- the last stanza was so different from a stylistic perspective that it did trip me up a little...not sure that I liked that as much as the rest of the poem, which I liked very very much. I'm sure others will disagree with me, but perhaps a small opinion to consider?
Looking forward to seeing the next draft of it!
Love
Jools
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rmol1950 at 09:01 on 14 April 2007
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I didn't entirely understand it but it positively oozes emotion.
melting into
the corner
where darkness
hides in purple
dreams
This is wonderful and I slid through the rest of the poem without pausing for breath. I can't offer any useful critique other than the anal typo. The poem works for me and I enjoyed it very much.
Best wishes
Richard
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rmol1950 at 09:02 on 14 April 2007
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I didn't entirely understand it but it positively oozes emotion.
melting into
the corner
where darkness
hides in purple
dreams
This is wonderful and I slid through the rest of the poem without pausing for breath. I can't offer any useful critique other than the anal typo. The poem works for me and I enjoyed it very much.
Best wishes
Richard
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