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Seasons (a sestina, I can`t believe it!)

by Xenny 

Posted: 19 February 2007
Word Count: 310
Summary: It's not perfect, or even that great, but it feels like a major achievement nonetheless - I found it so hard to write in this way.


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At the table, in the patterns of the wood
In the music, in the scratching of the broken stereo
and the way she turned around
as though she saw you looking
at her hair and how it fell from her shoulder
in that unexpected gust of spring time air

In the smog, the dust, the city air
the broken glass and the way the wood
seemed to yield to her body when she rested a shoulder
on the door frame, as she told you all your stereotypes
could not describe a hair on her head or how she caught you looking
when she turned around

In the way she said she'd been around
and watched you with that careless air
and you pretended you weren't looking
until she kissed you like you knew she would
with the music falling from your stereo
and her hair heavy on your shoulder

In the way the freckles on her shoulders
merged when she hung around
too long in the sun. In the beat from your stereo
and the way the dust waits thick in the summer air
and collects in places you aren't looking
the Wedgwood vase, the cracks of wood

In the way things happened like you knew they would
how she turned a shoulder
cracked a smile when she caught you looking
said you could hang around
if you liked, but she needed to take some air
and left you with your thoughts and your broken stereo

How you turned the volume on the stereo
which crackled like you knew it would
How she walked down the drive in the autumn air
and you watched her hair fall from her shoulders
hoping she would turn around
would catch you looking

In the broken stereo, the glass, the wood
her autumn hair, her shoulders
how she turned around when you weren't looking






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 16:20 on 19 February 2007  Report this post
Well done, Xenny. There is a huge sense of achievement, isn't there? I just love it!

This is lovely. It's wistful, somehow; I think it's because the lines fall away, ready to be completed at a later date, if the writer thinks it's necessary. I have a strong image of a figure in slow motion, dress and hair flowing.

The total lack of punctuation adds to the feel of it, I think, and I love the final lines.

I can't say that I found the repetitions invisible, but I think that the often obvious repeated words add to the poem's appeal.

I shall keep returning to re-read because I feel that there is a story in there which is emerging only very slowly.

Well done; a good response! I'm glad you enjoyed the challenge.

Joan

Xenny at 17:23 on 19 February 2007  Report this post
Thanks very much Joan. I'm really glad you liked it.

Nell at 18:39 on 19 February 2007  Report this post
Hi Xenny,

I just loved this. The words and the way they and the ideas repeat give one a really strong feel of song lyrics - I'd love to hear it set to music. The images you've put together, the way they change subtly with each repeat make this magical, like a thought that leads to another and another until one ends up somewhere quite different. Her hair is falling, the music is falling from the stero; she turned around, she said she's been around - it gives one the sense of a series of shifting illusions, so that by the end of the poem you have to go back and read it again to try to catch hold of them. And yet... the idea that seems to run through is of him looking at her hair, her turning almost in time to catch him, and I've just this minute realized how incredibly clever that is in view of what I've written earlier about trying to catch those illusions! You've really taken this form and made something very special. There's no strain in the repeats and the lack of punctuation reinforces that feeling of association of thoughts running on. Brilliant - you should be very pleased with yourself!

PS. No need to "Be Gentle With Me!" my comments would have been exactly the same if you'd selected "Go On! I Can Take It!"!!

Nell.

roger at 13:27 on 21 February 2007  Report this post
Hi, Adeline, darling (sorry, I just couldn't resist - bet no-one's ever done it before, eh? cough, cough)

Anyway, I shouldn't really be here because I'm in no way a poetry expert, but I do know what sounds right and what says something worth saying. Your summary indicates that this sort of thing is new to you. If that's so, then your achievement is indeed a very big one. I can only agree with Joanie and Nell, and trust me, they know what they're talking about.

Xenny at 02:08 on 01 March 2007  Report this post
Nell and Roger,

Thanks so much for the comments. I'm really touched that people like it so much. I know formal poems aren't my strong point so it's made me feel very happy :)


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