A New Youth
Posted: 13 February 2007
Word Count: 128
Summary: My brother is 12 going on 25.... I sometimes think I don't know him at all.
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Slumped on a sofa, stubborn!
Cap peak high, dominant!
Displaying his class of street cred,
as oversized sports shoes
and mudcaked tracksuit bottoms
twitch to the RnB bass.
I look into his moody eyes,
behind the macho expression.
I wonder what his teen mind thinks,
as he lights a forbidden fag,
swilling from a plastic cider bottle,
bought by an older lad
"How is school these days?"
He almost looks through me, laughs,
"Its alright!" He hasn't been for days.
He's quiet but wanting to talk,
about gangsters, rappers and gunfights.
Now he's animated, why?!
I try not to encourage,
But I long to understand,
his fascination with pitbulls,
crime, cannabis and the hood,
guns, girls and spilt blood.
What will he become?
What will they all become?
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 15:17 on 13 February 2007
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Hi Lisa. This is scary, isn't it? It's good to read another side; to realise that these are sons, brothers, little boys, really.
I am Head of Year 10 (14/15 year olds) and while there are some hard cases they don't seem too bad generally. I know that often their mums are at their wit's end with their behaviour at home and on the streets.
Although your last question, standing alone, is very poignant, I wonder if the poem needs it. Is there another way to get across that there is concern for them all and not just the writer's brother? I'm not sure.
'Enjoyable' isn't quite the right word. Thought-provoking certainly.
joanie
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 Account Closed at 12:48 on 14 February 2007
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| What will they all become? |
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If it's any comfort, my younger brother went into law. He's at the Middle Temple training to become a barrister. Not that it stops him going down the pub every night with his mates...
I like your poem. It sums up a familiar attitude.
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.JPG) Zettel at 12:13 on 15 February 2007
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Lisa
At 12 don't worry too much - there's still hope!
Your poetry sings. Its rhythm always imposes itself on me as I read it. Sometimes one has to re-read a poem (especially mine) to get the cadence right - to get the stress on the right syllable to make the line work. With yours I virtually never have to do this. It is a very special skill.
e.g.
as oversized sports shoes
and mudcaked tracksuit bottoms
twitch to the RnB bass. |
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mind you, you do know what rhythm those lines have don't you? Rap! Maybe that's what you intended. Either way, a pleasure to read.
regards
Zettel
<Added>
PS
Remember the fundamental law of male adoloescence - not being understood is the whole point.
be patient
Z
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 James Graham at 15:05 on 15 February 2007
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Hi Lisa. Apart from what's already been said, this is such a complete portrait - including all the gear, plastic cider bottle, neatly summed up attitude to school, wide-ranging interests (from gangsters to pit-bulls). Like Joanie, I have lots of experience of working with teenage boys, and recognise this portrait immediately. 'Alright', as I recall, was the highest term of praise many of my pupils could manage. After a visit to the theatre, to a show they had clearly enjoyed (you knew by their body language) they would tell you it was 'alright'.
'What will they all become?' - I think you could leave this last line in. Some of the teenage interests and influences the poem touches on are pretty general, shared among the age group. I felt the last line could be justified for that reason.
James.
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Jordan789 at 06:56 on 21 February 2007
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Howdy Lisa. Really an interesting read. I copied it down below and made some really basic changes. I took out some adjectives and deleted a line or two that was already implied by the images, and I think it cleans up really well. I still have a slight hang up in the third stanza, but I'm not terribly sure why. I wonder if somehow different dialogue can be poised, something that will maybe reveal what is told to us in the second half of the poem? I guess I feel that some of the dialogue are wasted words and could be used a bit more potently.
"He's quiet but wanting to talk,
about gangsters, rappers and gunfights.
Now he's animated, why?!"
I wonder if he wants to talk, and who he wants to talk to. Do people talk about gunfights? I think the poem loses some steam in here because it's too overt. I'd like to see him being animated maybe. What made him animated? I think part of the problem is I don't think I could see the speaker sparking interest in him. And if it is done, how is it done? Can it be in some redeeming way, say, by mentioning something about a family member, or a quality that the speaker(who takes up the role of moral guardian it seems) would deem positive?
The ending is nice and shows this concerned narrator, and for some reason I don't like the mention of "pitbulls, / crime, / cannabis and the hood,/ guns, girls and spilt blood." Again, I think this will work better if the same idea, of his sort of wayward interest, is revealed, but in a different, perhaps more subtle or thought-provoking way.
One quick afterthought, that rhyme in the second stanza reads like a mother goosery. I'd axe it. It seems more apparent from my changes, but I think you can work it out.
Anyway, here is the poem with very slight revisions:
Slumped on a sofa,
Cap peak high,
as oversized sports shoes
and mudcaked tracksuit bottoms
twitch to the RnB bass.
I wonder what he thinks,
as he lights a fag,
swilling from a plastic cider bottle,
bought by an older lad
"How is school these days?"
He almost looks through me, laughs,
"Its alright!" He hasn't been for days.
He's quiet but wanting to talk,
about gangsters, rappers and gunfights.
Now he's animated, why?!
I try not to encourage,
But I long to understand,
his fascination with pitbulls,
crime, cannabis and the hood,
guns, girls and spilt blood.
What will he become?
Let me know what you think.
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Ambitions of Lisa at 09:29 on 21 February 2007
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Thanks to Joanie, 21st Century Juliet, Zettel, James and Jordan for your comments. Much appreciated.
Re the last line; I think it refers to the growing culture of youths who seem to be distancing themselves from people of my age as is natural. However I'm not ancient at 28 and still know how to have a damn good time haha. I hope the last line portrays the lack of understanding.
I do wonder about what they will 'all' become in the future and it's great to hear about success stories.
The 'Rap' style rhythmn was not intended, but if it is apparent in the poem then I'm pleased, as it is quite apt.
The dialogue used was intended to be descriptive regarding the interests of this new youth culture. It was also my intention to have the reader build the images via use of imagination. However I can see Jordan's point about wanting to know more about how and why the teenager becomes animated at talk of his interests. It was also intended to come across as being slightly vague as this shows lack of understanding on the narator's part.
I agree this could be slightly re-worked. Maybe a poem written from the youth's point of view would be interesting also...??
Many Thanks
Lisa
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