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constant orchestration

by pene 

Posted: 19 September 2003
Word Count: 139
Summary: the cycles continue!!!!
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Theres a symphony of voices
playing tunes inside my head,
reverb back and forth
singing joy, shouting dread.
Non harmonious harmonies
fighting for a place,
day dreaming rhymes
taking head space.
A constant orchestration
not with God nor with the Queen,
the universe is aching
perfect rhythms what we heed.
Heart beeps on an emotional screen
x-ray dont show,
the severed shafts of arrows
around the breaking heart that grow.
Nor the holes in the sky
made by man and woman too,
how ever decreasing ozone
paints the sky too vivid blue.
Theres gaps in human auras
where the devil gets his in,
theres gaps in the astral ceiling
CFCs let in the sun.
Is that breakbeat I hear
off beat neurons in my brain,
the tuning of an orchestra
or the ephemeral screams of a nation
gone insane?






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Comments by other Members



olebut at 21:35 on 19 September 2003  Report this post
pene

good to see you again and yet anothe rprofound and great poem although I think perhaps a song lyric too with a few minor changes

take care

david
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peterxbrown at 02:20 on 20 September 2003  Report this post
This is a powerful and effective poem pene.I am not 100% sure of the lines,"perfect rhythms what we heed", and "made by man and woman too" because they do not have the quality of the several special images which abound in this insightful work.I look forward to reading much more of your groundbreaking work. love and respect as always, peterb xx
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Lisa at 19:47 on 23 September 2003  Report this post
Hi Pene - really profound. I think the first four lines are so strong they could stand on their own as a poem.

Great stuff.

Lisa
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fevvers at 20:47 on 25 September 2003  Report this post
Hi Pene

There is some lovely writing in this poem. I found its current form too dense and I feel some of the best lines are at risk of being lost because of it. Give it a bit of space, let it breathe.

I would also suggest you think about looking at the poem without end rhymes - I know you write a lot in end rhymes and sometimes it helps to write in a different way or take a different approach to our writing - one person I know who writes only in free-verse has started a whole sonnet sequence to keep her on her toes, another writer has taken to writing only in the mornings (usually a night bird). These changes in writing are important to help us evolve as writers.

See what you think

Cheers
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Ticonderoga at 23:09 on 19 October 2003  Report this post

Pene,
It's a rap! Nice one. Some lines are a little loose rhythmically and let down the vast majority, which have driving power. Small suggestion: 'CFCs let in the sin.' (?)


Best,

Mike
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