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Brotherly Love

by Sparrow_splitter 

Posted: 18 September 2003
Word Count: 1483


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


BROTHERLY LOVE

I

As soon as Karl woke up he could tell that something was different. He had two clues which led him to this conclusion: One, the stabbing pain down the right hand side of his abdomen. Two, the fact that he had woken up in what appeared to be a hospital room; there was all manner of machinery beside his bed, the likes of which Karl had only witnessed on TV.
Karl felt terrible, his head was throbbing and his vision was blurred. His memory was pretty hazy also; the last thing Karl remembered was opening the door to three strange men. Strange in the sense that Karl didn’t know them, and strange in the sense that humans were not meant to be that large. His memory went blank thereafter and he didn't have a clue how he ended up in this much pain, in this hospital room.
‘He’s awake’ Karl heard a familiar voice say, ‘Karl can you hear me? It’s Samantha... Can he hear me?’
‘I’ll go get the Doctor,’ a stern sounding woman said routinely.
Karl tried to lift his head to see Samantha; he strained for a moment but just couldn’t manage it. Samantha moved closer and hovered over him; she looked into his eyes warmly and smiled ‘you’re going to be alright.’
‘What happened? How did I get here?’
Samantha didn’t answer him, she had turned around and someone else had entered the room.
‘Doctor he’s just woken up,’ Samantha said.
A man in a white coat appeared in Karl’s field of vision. ‘Mr. Roberts, how are you feeling?’ it said.
‘Rough!’
‘Well that’s to be expected, you’ve been through quite a dramatic operation, but everything seems to have gone well. You will feel weak for a day or so but I have every confidence that you will make a full recovery. Won’t be long before you can be discharged.’
‘What happened?’
‘Well there’s a detective outside, he wants to talk to you. What I will say is that it would seem you’ve donated a kidney.’
‘I’ve donated a kidney?’
‘Yep. Not sure who to, or where the operation was carried out. Some fine work though. A skilled surgeon must have performed it. It’s quite a complex procedure you know, can’t just have any old fool running round doing this sort of thing.’
Karl was finding it hard to take this all in. It was all too much to comprehend for the moment, he was beginning to feel weak and just wanted to sleep, which is what he did.

Karl didn’t know how much time had elapsed since he had passed out; he was feeling a lot stronger now though. He could see Samantha asleep in a chair next to his bed. The machinery was still surrounding him, beeping monotonously.
An attractive young nurse walked into the room and had a look at the machines. ‘How are we feeling this morning Mr. Roberts?’ she said as she fluffed up his pillows. He was beginning to feel rather cosy, that was until a bolt of pain shot through his right side making Karl remember this kidney fiasco. ‘Could I have something for the pain please?’ Karl asked trying to sound infirm until he realised that he actually was infirm.
‘Certainly Mr. Roberts, I’ll tell the police that your awake now if that’s ok?’
‘Yes’ Karl said. He was quite keen to speak with the police, he wanted to find out exactly what happened to him and how over the course of a night, he had lost an organ which he’d formed quite an attachment to over the last twenty-eight years. From birth really.
‘Hello Mr. Roberts, Chief inspector Stone’ a big man said with a northern accent and a cheap suit. ‘Just a few routine questions if you will sir.’
‘Routine questions! I’ve had a fucking kidney stolen’
‘Well we still investigate in the same way, doesn’t matter what was stolen. Do remember any of what happened?’
Karl played the events back in his mind ‘I was at home, the doorbell rang, I answered… then three big men rushed me… next thing I remember is waking up here, in this bed.’ Chief inspector Stone was writing this all down in his notebook. ‘The Doctors tell me that you were tested for possible donation of a kidney ten years back, could you tell me about that?’
‘That was for my brother, I wasn’t a match… He died nine years ago.’ Chief Inspector Stone wrote some more. ‘And you were contacted recently by the Thompson family.’ Suddenly Karl’s mind made a connection. He had been contacted by the Thompson family last year. Apparently their daughter Rhion (they kept telling Karl her name, ‘Rhion’), had Glomerulonephritis (a disorder of the kidney causing them to no longer function in a meaningful way) and would soon be suffering from complete kidney failure. It seemed that Karl was the only person with a known tissue match. Their whole family had pleaded with him, telling him she was only six over and over again. They were rich, they offered him money. A lot of money. Karl didn’t need the money but he had a feeling that he might need both his kidneys. Why the fuck should she have it when his brother had died. No one had a spare for him; he was left pissing through a machine right up until the end. Fuck her. They upped the offer a few months later. Fuck her.
Chief Inspector Stone left to make inquiries.

II

Eighteen months after it had happened and finally Karl was in court. Police had been quick to apprehend the Thompson family and Karl had been quick to apprehend a lawyer. He wanted the Thompson family to go to jail for as long as possible, even Rhion for handling stolen goods but she was too young to be charged with anything.
He wanted his kidney back; he knew that for sure; that was what today was about. It was his kidney and he had a right to it back. It didn’t matter that Rhion would probably die if the kidney was taken from her young corpse. It was Karl’s kidney and he wanted that bastard thing back.
The Thompson family were staring at Karl, hatred burning from their eyes as they waited for the judge to make an appearance. Karl didn’t care; he had been violated in the most shocking way imaginable. The Thompson’s thought that they could buy anything they wanted; just before this hearing had started, they offered him even more money to drop it. Karl would never need to work again. He told them to fuck it up their arse; he told them that he would get their money and his kidney back and that he was going to donate the money to the Heart Foundation (which seemed ironically amusing to Karl).
This was a most unusual case and the public gallery was packed, mainly with press. Karl had been told by his lawyer to settle out of court but Karl wanted that kidney back. His lawyer was just scared because he didn’t know if they could win or not, there was no precedent for a situation like this.
‘This is a most unusual case,’ the judge said as he got proceedings underway.
Mrs. Thompson began to sob; Karl rolled his eyes in disgust. He was the victim here, not her.

The Thompson’s defence was good, it should be, it had cost them enough. The only trouble was, and something the Thompson’s lawyer had tried to skirt over, they were guilty as hell. Their whole argument had been based around Rhion. Before she had the kidney she was in a hospital bed most of her life. It hadn’t looked good for her, she was almost certainly going to die. The Thompson’s had done what any normal parent would have. Any normal parent with plenty of cash available.
They put Rhion on the stand to show what an amazing recovery she had made, how much life had been pumped into her young body with that kidney, trying to appeal to the jury’s parental instincts. But they were guilty as hell.

‘Although it pains me to say it,’ the judge sighed as he read the jury’s decision, ‘Mr. Roberts is to receive his property back immediately, at the expense of Mr. Thompson.’
Karl cheered and hugged his lawyer. Mr. Thompson burst into tears.
‘You wont get away with this,’ Mrs. Thompson snarled at Karl, ‘I’ll have you killed you disgusting piece of human filth, you’re not taking my girl away from me.’
Rhion hugged her daddy, blissfully ignorant of her fate.
Karl began to laugh as he and his lawyer made their way out of the courtroom. He had an operating theatre to get to this evening and he didn’t have time to waste exchanging unpleasantries with the likes of her.









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Comments by other Members



writersblock at 19:04 on 18 September 2003  Report this post
Hi welcome,

I liked the story very much - but something about the final sentence was....
anti-climatic? disappointing? I'm not sure - it just left me feeling (as the reader)let down somehow..?
Just my opinion as a 'Mr Average reader.'

Anyway I thought it flowed nicely...

Regards,
writersblock


Account Closed at 20:00 on 18 September 2003  Report this post
This is very powerful and with a dark strangeness that I like. I did feel that Karl starts off with a kind of off-beat quirky charm and then seems to change personality half way through a little - is it possible to bring back some of his humour, and maybe have less swearing as well (though I know I have too much swearing in my stuff too so it's pot calling the kettle grimy here!!)?

Like the other comment, I think you may need a punchier ending - can Karl have something deeper he holds agains the family which gives it a poisonous little twist at the end (can't think what though at the moment ...)?

Just a simple point - you don't need the word "Karl" quite so much at the beginning - one or two of those mentions would be smoother and still logical as "he".

Anne B

Account Closed at 22:00 on 18 September 2003  Report this post
Hi there, and welcome to WriteWords. It's funny that this sort of thing does actually happen in the US, where there is a stunningly horrendous black market for human organs.

Unfortunately, for many of the victims, the perpotrators are far more difficult to track down than in this story.

But onto your story, I think it shows promise. You tell the story well enough, though as mentioned the ending was a little anti-climactic. I would have liked to see the Thomson's bribe a surgeon or two and have Karl die on the operating table and Rhion to retain the kidney or something like that.

Other than that, I think you could work on fleshing out your descriptions a little. Take more time in the story to show the reader where we are, what people look like, how they sound and what mannerisms they make. I also think the dialogue could have been lengthened a little to flesh out some areas, especially in the courtroom.

But overall, assuming you haven't written a hundred such stories in the past, I think this is a good platform on which to build, and reminds me to a certain extent of some of my earlier scraps of fiction.


Laters,
IB

Sparrow_splitter at 01:13 on 20 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks for all the feedback. I know what everyone means about the ending. It is a bit "and it was all a dream" sort of thing. I'm going to try and rework it a little.
I Think I will try and make the last half of the story slightly more substantial as a whole.

dr_mandrill at 12:11 on 06 October 2003  Report this post
It's a good story- great concept and I think you executed it well too.

I particularly liked Karl as a character. I know some previous feedback has said he starts off with a quirky off-beat humour and then loses it, but I reckon that's realistic (what with the anemia and all the urea in his blood).

Maybe to give the ending more punch, Karl should go over to Rhion and give her a firm but goodnatured lecture about stealing and the difference between right and wrong. She could hang her little head in shame.

dr_mandrill

Ticonderoga at 13:03 on 19 October 2003  Report this post


Excellent idea for a story; I agree with most of the previous comments, but there is something very po;erful here. A question: the beginning is very like a combination of the first paragraphs of Metamorphosis and The Day of the Triffids! You've combined them into something of your own, but were you aware of the echoes?
Carry on scribbling!


Best,

Mike

Sparrow_splitter at 10:53 on 21 October 2003  Report this post
Hi Mike, thanks for reading my story. The start of this was a little homage to Metamorphosis, which is one of my favourite short stories. I was unaware of any similarity to The Day of the Triffids though.

Sparrow.

Ticonderoga at 22:46 on 21 October 2003  Report this post

I did wonder; the K thing seemed pretty deliberate, but, one never knows, do one?

Best,

Mike

Becca at 17:58 on 25 October 2003  Report this post
Hi there Sparrow. I think the story has potential, it's about one incident as a good short should be, but I was very confused at one point. In the first scene he's in the hospital bed talking to a doctor who doesn't seem to know what happened, '.. it would seem you donated your kidney.' The doctor isn't sure where the operation was carried out, so it must have happened in the past, so why is he in hospital now? I felt there was a piece missing to explain it. Have I missed the point, should I assume he had kidney failure having only one left and got taken into hospital again?
At the end it's that the girl's going to have to give the kidney back? Can that happen in reality? Medically what would it mean to both of them? Sorry to sound nit-picky, if I do.
I think overall, if you could reduce the exposition it would tighten it up. One way of doing it might be to make the story linear starting with the Thompson's and the kidney stealing and working through like that, the way round you have it now means you have to backtrack and give a whole explanation,(exposition), of events when the most dramatic part of the story is probably when he was attacked by the three men, and that's where the most drama can be unfolded in the story. Does this make sense to you?
In theory the reader should feel empathy with your main character, but because he's truly foul mouthed, it's hard to think anything nice about him. Even vile people as main characters can be written about so that the reader has feeling for them, but 'He told them to fuck it up their arse..'? If there's anger and emotion there, put it in, make the reader feel it.
I know I sound harsh, but hell, a good story is worth taking time with.

Sparrow_splitter at 00:17 on 30 October 2003  Report this post
Hi Becca, thanks for the comments. I keep meaning to work on this story, but i never seem to have the time. I was planning to beef up the attack part as you have suggested, possibly putting some though into how he was found and taken to hospital. I kind of wanted Karl to be rather unpleasent towards the end, especially to the Thompson family, they had violated his body in a very unique way and I was trying to show how someone might react to that. I think you are right though, about needing the reader to empathise with him more.


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