Synopsis
Worth More Dead

Derek Mandrill, a low status English lecturer, realises he is worth more dead than alive and wants nothing more than to impress his long suffering and hard up wife. He has his chequebook stolen on a shopping trip during his summer holiday. He discovers the man who has stolen his chequebook - incidentally Derek’s lookalike – in a bank, cashing a cheque in his name. In the ensuing chase and fracas, the thief dies (Derek chases him until the man has a fatal seizure on the bonnet of his own car). Derek fakes his own death by switching clothes and personal effects with the dead man and assuming his identity.

He attends his own funeral and is spotted by an ex girlfriend, an enemy of Derek’s wife’s, who becomes his confidante. The police officer in charge of the investigation into Derek’s ‘death’ becomes much too friendly with his grieving wife and gets his feet under the table.

The series would revolve around Derek’s ill-fated attempts to keep up another’s identity, the increasingly obsessive surveillance of his wife and his attempts to contact her about the life assurance and other policies which she knew nothing about. At every point, his efforts are thwarted by the omnipresent and ever suspicious policeman who senses a scam and always forces Derek to flee or withdraw. It would also explore the relationship between Derek and his ex girlfriend who is unhappily married and the security guard who ends up shielding him in a department store from the net that is closing in on him.

SCENE 1. INT DAY. PERSONNEL/ HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE IN BRIDGEWATER COLLEGE OF FURTHER EDUCATION IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND.

H.R MANAGER, STACIE MCGOOHAN, IS, STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR. DEREK MANDRILL GASPS WITH FRIGHT AS SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE LOWER BACK.

HR manager:
Helloooo. Derek. You wanted your updated pensions documentation?

Derek:
Yeah, sorry, lost the last lot. Accident with a..

HE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES A CARETAKER MOWING THE LAWN

Derek:
Lawnmower.

HR manager:
Aw. I killed one of my garden gnomes with a lawnmower.

CUT TO FLASHBACK OF STACIE BRANDISHING A DECAPITATED GARDEN GNOME AND WAILING UNCONTROLLABLY. ON THE WAY OUT, DEREK SKIM READS HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS AND MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH TO HIMSELF

Derek:
Bloody ell, I’m worth more dead than alive...

H.R manager:
Any way, enjoy your holiday – going anywhere nice?

Derek:
Hmm. Sore point.

CUT.

2. EXT DAY. OUTSIDE THE COLLEGE.

DEREK IS TALKING ON HIS MOBILE TO HIS WIFE, KAREN, WHO IS SEARCHING FOR HOLIDAYS ON THE INTERNET.

Karen:
The cheapest I can find in 499 for a week in Corfu, unnamed accommodation.

Derek:
Hmm probably above a noisy taverna that smells of the drains.
Karen:
Or 549 for Majorca
Derek:
That’s 5 hundred and forty nine?
Karen:
No, Derek, it’s a bunch of random numbers and I’m Carol soddin’ Vorderman. Yes, it –
Derek:
It’s just that this isn’t one of those adverts for you know, Futon Planet or World of Kettle or something..
Karen:
Derek, are you listening?
Derek:
Look, we break up for a long hot summer at 12.30, I’m off into town to buy some DVDs and maybe some summer clothes that will make me look like a nineteenth century colonialist. Ring you late afternoon?
Karen (haughtily):
Or maybe you could see if you could do better in a travel agent in town?

CUT

3. EXT: DAY. OUTSIDE A TYPICAL HIGH STREET TRAVEL AGENT.

DEREK PEERS THROUGH THE WINDOW AND, SEEING THE QUEUE, DECIDES TO GO OVER THE ROAD TO RETRO RECORD SHOP, ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’ INSTEAD.
WIPE TO INSIDE ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’.

4. INT DAY, INSIDE THE RECORD SHOP.
‘MMMM’ BY CRASH TEST DUMMIES IS BLARING OUT OF THE LOW QUALITY SPEAKERS ON THE WALLS OF THE SHOP.
WHILST RIFLING THROUGH THE INDIE SECTION, HE FEELS SOMEONE BRUSH AGAINST HIM. HE LOOKS UP FROM THE PIXIES BACK CATALOGUE AND SEES SOME PAINT-SPATTERED TROUSERS WALKING OUT OF THE STORE AT CONSIDERABLE PACE. DEREK FEELS FOR HIS WALLET, WHICH HE FINDS BUT THEN FEELS IN THE OTHER POCKET, WHICH IS NOW EMPTY.
DEREK PANICKILY ADDRESSES THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER, A LUGUBRIOUS BESPECTACLED LOAFER:

Derek:
My chequebook, it’s gone!

Record shop man:
We haven’t got anything by them.

Derek:
No, did you see anyone take my cheque book.. that man…! Oh, forget it – you dopey arsewit!

AS HE RUNS OUT, THE MAN WHINES, ‘YOU ARE’. DEREK LOOKS DOWN THE STREET BOTH WAYS AND SIGHS, DEJECTEDLY.

CUT

5. INT. DAY. INSIDE THE BANK.

DEREK TRIES TO GET MONEY FROM THE CASH MACHINE BUT THE ATM RETURNS THE MESSAGE ‘INSUFFICIENT FUNDS’. HE DECIDES TO TRY TO RAISE A COUNTER CHEQUE OR USE HIS CREDIT CARD AT THE COUNTER TO GET SOME MONEY. WHILE HE IS THERE, HE PLANS TO REPORT HIS CHEQUEBOOK AS STOLEN. HE NOTICES SOME PROMISING STILETTOS IN FRONT OF HIM IN THE QUEUE. THE CAMERA PANS UP THE WOMAN’S STOCKINGED LEGS AND EVENTUALLY TO HER FACE AS SHE TURNS AROUND AND MEETS DEREK’S EYES WITH FROSTY HOSTILITY.

Attractive woman:
Were you checking out my arse just then?

Derek:
No, I was looking at how the queue is shaped and in fact moving like an anaconda.
Attractive woman:
Don’t lie, I saw you in that mirror.
Derek:
Do you think I’m some kind of -

AS SHE POINTS TO THE MIRROR, DEREK SEES THE REFLECTION OF A MAN IN THE SAME PAINT-SPATTERED COMBATS HE SAW RUNNING OUT OF THE RECORD STORE. EAGER TO SEE IF IT WAS THE SAME MAN, HE EXCUSES HIMSELF TO THE WOMAN AND SHE WATCHES HIM MOVE DOWN THE QUEUE BY THRUSTING HIS HIPS FORWARD THEN BACK, PROVOKING THE IRE OF EVERYONE HE BRUSHES HIS GENITALS OR BOTTOM AGAINST. THE BANK TELLER SAY’S ‘THANK YOU MR MANDRILL’ AS THE MAN, WHO HAS THE SAME GOATEE BEARD, BONE STRUCTURE AND HAIR STYLE, TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.
A YOUNG MALE GOTH BLOCKS DEREK’S PATH AND MAKES HEAVILY MADE UP EYE CONTACT.

Goth:
Mr Mandrill, do you remember me – you taught me between 2003 and 2005? I don’t think you’re a sex offender like everyone behind you.

DEREK LOOKS BEHIND HIM AND EVERYONE IS GLARING AT HIM AS IF HE HAS JUST RUN UP AND DOWN THE QUEUE MASTURBATING WITH HIS TONGUE OUT. HE RUNS AWAY IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF.

Goth: Or maybe he is.

CUT










6.EXT. DAY - A CHASE THROUGH THE STREETS
AS DEREK CHASES THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF THROUGH THE STREETS THEY EXCHANGE SOME HEATED WORDS. THE THIEF IS A HELIUM-VOICED BUFFOON.

Thief:
What are you chasing me for?
Derek:
What are you doing with my chequebook?
Thief:
Who says it’s yours?
Derek:
Of course it’s mine, you idiot –it’s got my name on it.

Thief:
What if I’m also called Derek Mandrill?

Derek:
There’s noone else in the local area with that name.

Thief:
But I look like you, we could be related.
THE THIEF STOPS AGAINST A LAMPPOST AND MOTIONS TO KEEP DEREK AT ARM’S LENGTH. HE IS OUT OF BREATH.

Derek:
I think if there was someone who looked a lot like me who had my name in the area I would know about it.

Thief:
You would if he nicked yer chequebook
THE THIEF SLAPS DEREK ABOUT THE CHEEKS WITH HIS CHEQUEBOOK THEN RUNS OFF AGAIN. DEREK GIVES CHASE AGAIN.

Derek:
So you’re admitting it now?

Thief:
No way.

Derek:
But your pants match the description of the ones I saw in the Vinyl Frontier.

Thief:
Circumstantial evidence – never stand up in court.

DEREK IS NOW OUT OF BREATH AND THE THIEF IS PANTING AND WHEEZING AS THEY CONTINUE THEIR LUDICROUS CONVERSATION AND AN THE THIEF CHANGES DIRECTION SWALLOW-LIKE, UP A SIDE STREET.

Derek:
The police could match the your DNA with what they find on the trousers.
Thief:
Look, you can have the damned trousers!
THE THIEF REMOVES HIS TROUSERS WITHOUT TAKING OFF HIS BOOTS AND THROWS THEM AT DEREK. NOW UNABLE TO SEE, DEREK HURTLES HEADLONG INTO A BUSH. WHEN HE DISENTANGLES HIMSELF FROM THE BRANCHES AND FOLIAGE AND PULLS THE TROUSERS OFF HIS FACE, HE HEARS SOME GHOULISH PANTING, WHEEZING, CHOKING AND WHINING NOISES.
AS HE SLOWLY APPROACHES A PARKED ROVER 216, HE IS CONFRONTED WITH THE SIGHT OF THE TROUSERLESS BUT BOOTED THIEF SPLAYED OUT ON THE BONNET, APPARENTLY DROPPING DEAD. AS THE THIEF GOES STILL AND QUIET, HE DROPS THE CAR KEYS HE WAS HOLDING AND DEREK CATCHES THEM. DEREK NOTICES HOW THE BADGE ON THE CAR KEYS MATCHES THE BADGE OF THE CAR.

CUT
SCENE 6: EXT. DAY A SIDE STREET
DEREK’S PHONE RINGS. THIS SCENE CROSS CUTS BETWEEN DEREK HUDDLING IN A DOORWAY TALKING ON HIS MOBILE AND HIS WIFE AT HOME WITH A PILE OF BANK STATEMENTS AND CREDIT CARD BILLS SPREAD OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. A LARGE GLASS OF RED WINE STANDS ON THE TABLE.
Derek:
Hi Karen, you ok?
Karen:
Not really, I’ve been looking at our finances and I really don’t think we can afford to go on holiday this year.
Derek:
What? Aren’t there some of your unused shoes that you could sell on Ebay?
Karen:
Are you winding me up? Derek, why are you panting.. have you been to a group masturbation session again?
Derek:
Funny, no, I’ve just been running for the bus.
Karen:
Oh good, if you’re coming home soon you can help me with
Derek: (a little too emphatically):
No!
Karen:
Is everything ok?
Derek:
No, I mean, well, are our debts that bad?
Karen:
They’re as bad as i want them to get
WHILE HE IS TALKING, DEREK IS LOOKING AT THE FIGURES ON HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS. HE READS AND REREADS THE BIT THAT SAYS, ‘DEATH GRANT – 3 TIMES ANNUAL SALARY PAYABLE TO WIDOW’.

Derek:
I’ll make it up to you..we’ll, you’ll be fine if you just give me a bit of time.
Karen:
Ah, is one going to sell one of one’s country residences, then?
Derek:
Don’t emasculate me by mocking my humble means.. you married me as a man of straw.
Karen (in a high Judy Garland voice):
Yes, but Dorothy thought the straw man could have taken me to the Emerald City.
SHE REVERTS BACK TO HER USUAL VOICE.

Karen:
I should have married Tin Man.
Derek:
He was gay. Look, I want to prove to you that we can… get by.
HE LOOKS UP FROM HIS DOCUMENTS AND THE SCENE CROSS CUTS BETWEEN DEREK AND THE THIEF TO HIGHLIGHT THEIR SIMILARITIES. HE APPROACHES THE CAR AND SPOTS A WALLET HANGING OUT OF THE THIEF’S JACKET.

Karen:
I’m sorry, Derek. Come home and we’ll think about sorting it all out – maybe we could do it in the nuddy.
AFTER RETRIEVING HIS CHEQUEBOOK, DEREK STARTS LOOKING AT THE CONTENTS OF THE WALLET: DRIVER’S LICENSE, CREDIT CARDS, A STORE CARD FOR BERKLEY’S – THE LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE; LOTS OF CASH.
Derek:
Look, I’ll see you.
DEREK POCKETS THE WALLET AND STARTS TO PLACE HIS HANDS UNDER THE PROSTRATE THIEF.
CUT