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A Black and White Photograph of Green, Blue, and Memories of Love

by Jordan789 

Posted: 10 January 2007
Word Count: 300
Summary: ho ho, was i a love struck fool! still am, i guess.


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A Black and White Photograph of Green, Blue, and Memories of Love

I miss those nights like that sore spot after
a tooth is set free to roam around the sewers.
when she and i would lie next to each other
smelling of the same, each other,
and being of the same and me inside of her
and her on top of me and hopefully sweat and
the panting release as our world turns grey
but our skin burns red.

night time, on a silk bed spread,
her back against my chest and i kiss
the top of her back once to tell her,
yes, i am awake and thinking about her.

she was me and with me,
but now she is there and with me here i cannot be her
and she cannot be me, only with the memories:
the hair in my mouth and the taste of her lips and
how she smiled sometimes.

like coffee flavored ice cream and midnight deserted hallways
bound by tortilla chips and cheese salsa.

one hand against sleeves over skin
tearing fabric then tossed to the floor like flaming paper embers
and when she climbs on top of me and slides me inside of her
and then i think yes, this is what we were made for, for now.
this and the rest of it.

me leading her through streets lined with people we don't care about,
only the hand that leads us forwards under the skyscrapers and maple
trees of once upon a time.

the promises we never made except with that look and the way i wanted
to plan out our good bye so each word shook through her chest,
but when the time came all i wanted to do
was not let go,
and to hug
under the morning.






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Comments by other Members



Swoo at 22:11 on 11 January 2007  Report this post
Hello Jordan
This is such a sensual, sexual poem. It's a treat, as a reader, to be privvy to such intimacy. The sense of longing, of regret and remembrance comes through powerfully and, for me, without corniness.It's genuine. Unpretentious.
It's so hard to write about intimacy in a way which creates a new or interesting voice, without cliches, but after reading and re-reading this I feel like I know you in a way I shouldn't - i.e. I'm drawn into an intimate feeling as a voyeur. Interesting. It works.


Getting a technical hat on for a minute - if it was my poem (I wish it was ) then I would start it with

Night time, on a silk bedspread,
her back against my chest and I kiss
the top of her once to tell her
yes, I am awake and thinking about you.


get rid of the doubled 'back' and make the speaker's voice direct - not speaking to 'her' but to'you'. Maybe?

There's so much gorgeous imagery in this I feel very clumsy trying to change it - but just one other thing -

and being of the same and me inside of her
and her on top of me and hopefully sweat and
the panting release as our world turns grey
but our skin burns red.


The passion comes through so beautifully.

Maybe get rid of the 'of' as in 'me inside of her'.

Me inside her is enough?

this is lovely:
Her hair in my mouth and the taste of her lips and
how she smiled sometimes
like coffee flavored ice cream and midnight deserted hallways
bound by tortilla chips and cheese salsa.


as is this:

Each word shook through her chest,
but when the time came all I wanted to do
was not to let go
but hug
under the morning.



Some really beautiful and memorable words.






James Graham at 10:45 on 12 January 2007  Report this post
Just reading this for the first time today, maybe not getting all the detail but noticing the mood/tone that's conveyed. There's a real feeling of loss, strongest at the end and in the lines 'she was me...smiled sometimes'. It's a blues tone...my baby done left me, I'm feeling so low...and it comes across quite strongly so that a reader who's a complete stranger can think, 'Yes, that really is sad'.

In that middle section I've just referred to, should it be 'now she is there and me here', leaving out 'with'? Seems to make more sense. I like these lines - 'she was me and with me'...'i cannot be her/ and she cannot be me' all these paradoxes that reflect the confusion we feel at those aftermath-times.

There's a different tone mixed in, though. We're aware of it because it's how the poem starts:

I miss those nights like that sore spot after
a tooth is set free to roam around the sewers.


It's the kind of humour that represents a shrug - a 'What the hell, life goes on' sort of humour. Those opening lines even suggest that losing the ex-partner is like losing an aching tooth. The other lines I take to be humorous are 'like coffee flavored ice cream...' If that's a simile for 'the taste of her lips' it's an extravagant one, and has a comic effect because the taste of her lips starts to get lost in the (even better?) taste of tortilla chips and cheese salsa.

I also like the lines

me leading her through the streets lined with people we don't care about,
only the hand that leads us forwards under the skyscrapers and maple
trees of once upon a time


as they capture a sense of two people so absorbed in each other that familiar things like neighbourhood buildings and trees seem remote, things out of another life. 'People we don't care about' is a very nice touch, on the same theme.

I agree with Swoo that the tone of the whole thing is very genuine and never corny. Describing sex, describing a relationship, it can be hard to avoid corniness - but sniffing around the poem for it, I can't find any.

James.

joanie at 15:30 on 13 January 2007  Report this post
Hi Jordan; this is deliciously sensuous. Worthy of many reads!

joanie

DJC at 17:57 on 13 January 2007  Report this post
Jordan - this seems very personal and close to you. You get a real sense of how you feel here.

Darren

Jordan789 at 04:08 on 25 January 2007  Report this post
Hey all. Thanks very much for responding. I appreciate the feedback. I had written this some time ago, and I don't know why I felt the urge to put it up here, but I'm glad I did, mostly because I like it.

-Jordan


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